Step 1: After 30 minutes on the train, halfway to work, notice you have a hole in your shirt.

Beyoncé is like that girl you used to be friends with, back when she was single and fun, but who you immediately stopped talking to upon her engagement, when she became unbearably smug and suddenly transformed into someone whose every other setence was "Im yirtze Hashem by you," as if she/… Read full post »

Bidding on commemorative Royal Wedding tea towels on eBay is surprisingly exhilarating, especially because I have no idea how much a pound is worth.

Bidding on commemorative Royal Wedding tea towels on eBay is surprisingly exhilarating, especially because I have no idea how much a pound is worth.

I once tried to burn a newspaper in an aluminum pan because I needed ash. Unfortunately, I vastly overestimated how much newspaper I should use, while equally vastly underestimating how quickly and enthusiastically the newspaper would burn. I got totally freaked out by the bonfire in the pan and trie…

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("Same" being pointless thoughts that lead nowhere and are too long/too stupid to post on Facebook. Which is really saying something. Or maybe it isn't. I'm not sure, but I think these apple pesticides might be melting my brain. Which is probably why this post makes no sense. That, or it's…

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...and also I'm not sure how much I want to embarrass myself in front of 248 of my closest friends/people I don't talk to anymore.

Functional adult moment of the day: Found a weird-looking and severely bruised apple in my desk drawer with the label still on, suggesting that I hadn't washed…

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Conversation I just overheard in the bathroom at work and ran back to my office to transcribe before I forgot it:

Woman washing hands [slightly yelling]: Your chin looks great, by the way.

Woman in handicapped stall [also slightly yelling due to sinks and handicapped stall being on opposite ends of la/…

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Remember that Modern Family episode where Mitch and Cam go shopping at Costco, and Mitch gets so excited because they sell diapers and coffins, so you can literally get everything you need from birth to death?

Well, Amazon is totally getting in on this game:

Stage 1: Adopt a rabbit. Buy a sleek… Read full post »

People (like, at least 2) have been complaining that I never update my blog, but I've been reading a lot of other, much funnier blogs lately, and also I'm jet lagged, and I had two cups of coffee and a mini Krackel today, so I'm going to bombard this page with…

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maybe this is the answer. Because my friends are just as crazy as I am.

Gchat, 1:30 pm:

Friend: I'm in class and my professor just said that there are hearing aids for dogs and cats. We must purchase one. Oh - speaking of dogs, this morning I was…

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that make me wonder why anyone is friends with me.

Friend's gchat status, 11:20 am: How much avocado can one eat in a day?

Me to Friend, 11:23 am: i think you can go pretty freaking crazy on avocado. if it's a question of moderation. not like tuna where you need…

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The other day, Boyfriend and I were walking around downtown. At one point, we wandered into an art gallery and the owner came over to us and said hi.

Boyfriend said, "Is it ok if we look around?" and the guy -- who was middle-aged, balding, and significantly overweight…

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*Warning: The following post contains not-quite-spoilers (two vague scene descriptions) from the new Coen brothers movie. If you don't know which movie I'm talking about or you hate Coen brothers movies, you're probably fine. Otherwise, see the movie before reading this.*
--

"Hell is other people." - J… Read full post »

that moment in an elevator just after you don't hold the door for someone but they press the elevator button and the doors open back up just in time for them to catch your look of dismay as they steps in and give you a malevolent glare that clearly says, "You…

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Note: This story originally began as an email to my boyfriend. Below is the explanation I sent him, followed by the story.

Hi Boyfriend! This started as a short email to you about how the Mounds/Almond Joy dilemma has tormented me for years, and you should know about it, because… Read full post »

Dear Facebook,

I love you because you allow to easily keep in touch with friends and family all over the world, and because you make it okay for people like me to Internet stalk without feeling creepy. But Facebook, I don't use you for virtual farming, or to take quizzes on what…

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My friend Alice recently introduced me to an ancient healing technique that can revolutionize your life. Better than self-tanner or therapy or acai berries, it's easy, it's free, and it will make you a better person.

As Alice described this mystical journey of mind and body, I listened in fascination…

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Conversations that make me want to live in a cave:

1: Conversation with my mother

Mom: Who's that guy who wrote on your Facebook page?
Me: Oh, he's my neighbor.
Mom: That's nice! (ominous pause)
Me: Yeah, he lives downstairs.
Mom: How nice!
Me: (suspicious) Mmhmmm...
Mom: He's cute!
Me: Oh...ok...
Mom: So,/…

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On a lazy Sunday not too long ago, siezed by a sudden and inexplicably urgent need to vanquish the dust bunnies that had been lazing complacently about my bedroom for the past five months, I swept the floor.

My attitude towards housekeeping can be described, at best, as "sporadically energetic." Perio/… Read full post »

Starbucks, 9:25 on a Monday morning

Me: Tall vanilla latte, please.
Barista: Can I have your name?
Me: Um. (inappropriately long pause) Ilana.
Barista: You sure?

This is why I cannot be interacted with before I've had my coffee. Starbucks should invent some sort of system by which coffee can be procured…

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In 1995, The Rules was a bestselling dating book, advising women to “Be a creature unlike any other,†with guidelines for how to walk, smile, and breathe. Once you’d attracted the man, the rules were all about playing hard to get: “Don’t talk to a man first,†“Don’t call him/… Read full post »

Winner of the "most surprising end to a story" award:

"...and then my nephew taped its mouth shut, dragged it into the pool, and wrestled with it."

10 points to the first person who guesses the subject of this story. Hint: it is not a human infant.

Guest Blogger! Thank you to the lovely Fudge for allowing me to publicize her dating mortification for this blog. If that's not friendship, I don't what is. You are truly amazing. -Ilana