Note: This story originally began as an email to my boyfriend. Below is the explanation I sent him, followed by the story.

Hi Boyfriend! This started as a short email to you about how the Mounds/Almond Joy dilemma has tormented me for years, and you should know about it, because it's such a huge part of my life. But then I got really into it, and I started getting angry and saying offensive things about poor people and factory workers and gun control, so it sort of ballooned out of control and now it is much, much more. Probably too much. Almost definitely more than the topic merited. But it made me happy. We all need our creative outlet - you draw pictures on the computer, and I write angry stories about candy bars.
--

Killjoy

The slogan is "Almond Joy's got nuts, Mounds don't," right? But this is misleading. Everyone wants you to believe that they're the same, aside from the obvious disparity in nut content. Even Wikipedia, America's second most popular source of information (first is Dancing with the Stars) calls them "essentially the same confection" when, in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. NOTHING. Because Almond Joy has nuts and is slathered in delicious milk chocolate, while Mounds are nut-free and are enveloped in dark chocolate.

Clearly, the advertisers' dependence on the stupidity of the American people has failed. They think they can show us a commercial and we're so dumb, we'll just shove anything in our mouths with no questions asked, provided it a) comes in a package and/or is handed to us from a drive-thru window, b) contains both saturated fat and acai berry, and c) is made by underpaid child slaves in a tiny Asian island nation that we don't care about because we're American and we have guns so there.

Alright, advertisers. You may have a point. We're pretty dumb. And we love fast food and hate poor people. But I'm an American, and I refuse to be misled in my candy choices.

Here is my proposed new slogan:

Almond Joy has nuts and milk chocolate. Mounds don't have nuts, but they are also covered in dark chocolate. Candy consumer, you are now faced with a terrible choice: Eat the Almond Joy and be forced to pry the nut out with your hands, thereby becoming sticky with coconut, but also enjoying a delicious treat, or -- consider before answering, for there is no turning back -- eating Mounds to save yourself from the plague of nuts, but also making your life suck just that much more by being the kind of person who picks dark chocolate. Which will you choose?!

(Now who wants to turn this into a jingle?)