I have been in serious despair for a long time.  Today I sent the following email to a old friend, worthy of respect and trust, who just happens to be a life coach:

 Hello, X. —

   I hope you are well, and that 2011 was generally good for you. I am sorry to say that this email is going to be all about me, although I always wish the best for you, and have been pleased to see from your website, etc. that you seem to be doing well — although I know that may not be as uncomplicated as it might look.

  I realize that this letter will be hard for you to read in places, and I ask your forgiveness for placing a rather large burden on you.  I also trust that if it's too much for you we can find an alternative that works for us both.

   As the subject line reads, I am and have been in a bad place for a long time, and am working to figure out the best next steps.  A significant part of the problem is that I am clinically depressed or close to it — which is hardly news — but one difference is that I'm no longer taking anti-depressants, and am reluctant to consider a return to them, because I view my crisis mainly as an existential one:  I had it before I was on medication and all the years I was on medication, and it still obtains.  I am hoping you might be able to help with this existential crisis, or suggest a more appropriate resource.  I've done therapy, done the drugs, and if anything the unresolved existential problem is worse because I'm older, massively disappointed with my how life has turned out, and now have so many fewer viable options than a younger person.  Your website bio speaks of being a late-bloomer, but I'm wondering if there's any hope for someone who's a non-bloomer. 

  For a long time my life has been devoid of both meaning and pleasure, and I find myself thinking about suicide a great deal.  This has been a source of deep distress, because I don't really want to die but I feel like I've hit a complete dead-end and can't see other options.  So instead, I have come up with the vaguest sort of plan: I am taking the suicide option off the table for a year.  Just doing that is a relief.  And my plan is to devote 2012 to solving my existential crisis, one way or another. 

  So what I'm asking of you is help with a one year-long project, the goal of which is to find a purpose for my life.  Is this a project which might fit into your life-coaching business?  One of the first, smaller projects you might help me with is doing some cognitive self-therapy on managing my depression.  I believe I have a workbook somewhere with that title, with exercises in it (e.g., monitoring one's moods, etc.), and I could use someone who could help me put those tools to regular use.  And I'm inconsistent about following through with things.

  I realize this is not a small request, and will understand if this is heavier lifting than you can undertake.

Thanks for your consideration, and best wishes for the New Year —

    Implosion

I figure if this project doesn't work out, I can always kill myself in 2013, or the next year, or some year after that.  But I've got to do this thing now or die.  Part of my survival project will be blogging about it, which I've never done before, but I feel this will be important for the project for several reasons.  

  Are people who talk about suicide just looking for attention?  Yup — and I'm sure the rest of them need it as much as I do.  

 And isn't everyone who blogs?