There's a new store that recently opened here in Rochester. It's called Christian Floors. I had at first thought that it might have been someone's name. Well, as the old joke tells us, that's what we get for assuming. Turns out, this place is indeed a Christian-based business, and their logo has the crosses to prove it.

I'd never quite thought of flooring as something faith-based, unless of course it had some sort of gilt etching on marble, or perhaps parquetry with symbols and signs and angel feathers, something like that. It seems to me that a faith-based floor could be a hazard. Suppose you woke up one morning, after a bad night, feeling a little depressed, and your faith just isn't as strong as it might be. Will your floor still be there? If you're sleeping in a multi-story structure of some kind, are you going to be able to get out of bed without plunging to your death? This just isn't the sort of "leap of faith" that one thinks about regularly. I'd rather be sure that a Christian floor is nailed down... oh, sorry about that...

Still more distressing is the notion that flooring might be, in some way, proprietary. If you have a Christian floor, can someone of another faith walk on it? Your agnostic friend might not believe that your floor is really there. Your atheist friend might find himself bursting into flames were he to set foot in your home. If the floor is Catholic, can Protestants feel comfortable walking all over it? I would worry that floors for the Latter Day Saints might have to be kept behind some sort of curtain, or perhaps it only wakes you up early in the morning, knocking on itself and brandishing literature.

I suspect that, before long, competitors will creep in. Christian Floors may be one thing, but surely the Jewish Foundations company will lay the groundwork? I suspect that the Islamic Prayer Carpet Store will help provide proper covering as well. There could even be specializations. The Baptist floors would be water-resistant, and not suitable for dancing. The Church of England floors would be easily divisible in case of divorce, and would in no circumstances be amenable to Italian furnishing. Floors from the Presbyterian company would be solid and thrifty. Quaker floors would be plain and never, ever squeak during a Meeting unless the Spirit moved it.

Will other faiths, religions, or philosophies follow suit? I could imagine the Buddhist Doorway Makers, specialists in providing the Nothing that lets you go between rooms. Zen redecorating should be easy: It is what it is -- job done. Druidic floors would be stone or wood (no substitutes). Wiccan floors might grow lighter or darker with the cycles of the moon. Taoist floors would have to be level and well-balanced. Those worshipping the Flying Spaghetti Monster would no doubt have floors that are easily cleaned.

All things considered, I'm not sure that a faith-based flooring company is such a terrific idea. If nothing else, I'd be concerned about trying to have multiple beliefs in one household; where would one end and another begin, and how would we cross the threshold between them? And Heaven (you should pardon the expression) forefend that we'd have to keep having faith in our ceilings and roofs as well. However, there is one potential compensation. Once the job is done, and they expect payment, you can send them away, telling them that if they truly believe, the money will appear in the mail any day now.