Irene Barnett's Blog

Left of Plumb

Irene Barnett

Irene Barnett
Location
Santa Barbara, California,
Birthday
September 23
Bio
Wherein I share some personal information with you in the 3rd party voice of Morgan Freeman – please adjust your internal audio accordingly. Irene Barnett is a working co-parent of twin boys named Drew and Sean. Her partner in the lunacy of raising children is Jim, a lovely, mild-mannered balance to her impatience, irritability and general weirdness. Irene is currently making the rent by assuming the identity of a high-powered executive for a software consulting firm that is based out of Seattle while she really tries to live the life of a writer in Santa Barbara, CA. Check out more of her rants at http://leftofplumb.com/

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NOVEMBER 15, 2012 10:55PM

An Organized Day of Sloth and Gluttony

Rate: 1 Flag

 Ah, Thanksgiving. It's the official kick-off of the holiday season. Or, as I like to call it, the start of my special 6-week alcohol bender cleanse.

I know this is a little early for a Thanksgiving blog but with the amount of tryptophan and vodka that will be coursing through my bloodstream next week, I figured it may be best to hit this one now.

And, maybe it’s good to get some of these thankful feelings in the forefront of our minds before having to spend time with your insane, dysfunctional families in tight quarters, having a food orgy as if they were all zombies at a brain buffet.

zombies
Save the cerebral cortex for me, Grandma!!

I thought I’d put together a list of the little things I’m thankful for. I know the norm is to be thankful for family, kids, good health, blah blah blah. But, I think we don’t stop to focus on those tiny little things that crop up every day that make us all question, if only for a moment, the need for the anti-depressants we are all taking.

So, here we go. Minutia I am thankful for.

People who are brave enough to give massages for a living. I can’t even begin to say how skeeved out I would be at the idea of having to oil up and rub my hands all over a complete stranger. The possible scenarios these poor saints must have to deal with….well, I just threw up in my mouth.

Awesome parking spots. This little thing can make my day. I somehow feel as if I have a force field of good luck around me for the entire day when I snag a spot right in front of where I am going. Conversely, when I see someone else with the force field, I am driven into a homicidal rage at the injustice of it.

People who are idiots because it gives me stuff to write about. I thank the cretans, morons, bigots, pundits, politicians and boneheads who give me mountains of material with which to mock them. They have given me countless hours of unbridled joy and I thank them and their cross-breeding parents.

People who wave when you let them into traffic. I love them! They make me want to not only let them in but also wash their car and buy them an ice cream. It may be my slavish response to positive reinforcement but, by God, it works! These people have been raised very well and most likely send hand written thank-you notes too. They always make my day feel more civil.

People who know how to write well. It’s like hearing angels sing.

People who make sense on Twitter. There are so few of you, I feel you probably know who you are. Let me illustrate this point by showing you the exact opposite of what I speak.

“AL mistake OMG Brian over Joe SO wrong my friend SO wrong I cant believe u made such a mistake Id go C Joe Buy Joes songs #SOWRONG”

Yeah. I have no idea. And I wasted valuable time just trying to read it.

My dog, Calvin. If he were a human he’d be a total mensch. He is all-knowing and, I believe, the Gandhi of the dog world. I am mixing my cultures and religions but that’s how awesome he is.

Emma Stone. I don’t know. She just makes me happy whenever I see her.

A BIG thing I am particularly thankful for. Everyone who is kind enough to take time out of their lives to read what I write. This is no small thing and fills me with joy. I feel anytime someone gets even the smallest giggle, an angel gets their wings. I truly believe laughter can save the world.

I will attempt to continue to make this site worth visiting!!

Now, put on those elastic waist pants and go eat a shitpile of dead bird because you KNOW how I feel about birds. Especially flightless birds. At least Thanksgiving helps diminish the numbers.

kid and turkey
Artist's rendering a mere moments before this child is pecked senseless by this feathered harbinger of evil.

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Well! Happy..........uh, Thanksgiving(?) to you too! I think. ;-)

Rated for Calvin

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And a Happy Holiday Bender to you as well!! Calvin totally deserves the rate and so much more! :-)
And a Happy Holiday Bender to you as well!! Calvin totally deserves the rate and so much more! :-)