Dear Men of Match.com:
I would like to first preface this letter with the statement - that the views expressed below are solely my own. I am not, nor do I claim to speak on behalf of women everywhere. However, I will say that I am likely speaking for most. Not sure of this, but I'm just sayin'... If you are a woman, or otherwise, and would like to agree/disagree with anything I have stated below - I welcome it! That being said...
Many of you in the "inner circle" know of my recent dabble in the exciting world of Match.com (please note the blatant sarcasm in that sentence. Thanks.) My subscription to this "program" is about to expire, and while its been fun, I won't lie, I'm not so sure I'm completely sold on renewing... Why? I'm bored. I'm over it. It's like you can't find enough d-bags in the "real" world, so they've put them all in an online store... So in the hopes that maybe some of you out there will pass this, what I believe to be, solid advice along to any friends you may have experimenting with Match, or eHarm, or Chemistry or whatever... I've made a list of "DON'Ts" for all you guys out there trying to score the big "Match" made in heaven success story. Do with this information what you will - these are just my opinions. Nothing more.
Note: For those of you who have had success with Match - I wholeheartedly applaud you. Please do not mistake this note as a bash on Match.com. It is not. Rather it is a BASH on the men I have encountered, leading me once again to believe that I am officially a douche magnet.
- Don't "Wink": You are men. Therefore you are all born with balls. USE THEM!! Winking is the most cowardly way you could ever try to catch a girl's attention. SEND AN EMAIL!! Say something witty, make me laugh. But wink? And not only will I not wink back, but I will likely write you off from the get-go. If you're that shy online, you are no match for me!! MAN UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Don't pay extra to turn your "background" green. Contrary to Match.com telling you that you will "get noticed more," to be honest - this green background makes no difference to me, other than I know right off the bat that you're kind of a sucker for marketing ploys, and maybe a little narcissistic.
- Don't Be a Douche. The following are ACTUAL messages that I have received from guys on Match.com. In no particular order:
From ja_prince: Hi, Your sweet smile is so scintillating and alluring that I couldn’t resist emailing you. oh how i wish for the chance to be in the company of a true goddess like you. How I wish for the opportunity to love and cherish you as God himself would desire a true royalty like you be treated. If given the chance I will love you endlessly and cherish you with every fiber of my being just so that you will know that my only desire would be your eternal happiness. If given the chance to prove it and to show my true character as a loyal and loving man. I would take you on a journey of endless love and fill your heart of happiness for the rest of my life... if just given the chance. <--- Um... He did not get the chance...
From liljohn25: That tongue of yours is driving me crazy. Seriously, how much can I pay you and what would you do with it? <--- No - I'm not joking. This is an actual CUT AND PASTE. And the photo he is referring to is my current Open Salon profile pic.
From jimbo727: Now mind you, "Jimbo" emailed me, I had written him back. He responded. But before I could respond AGAIN, I received the following (grammar, formatting, and spelling have been left as they were presented to me so you can get the full effect): Hello Autumn......speaking of......it sure feels like it outside!lol So what is new and exciting?What kind of stories do you write?Maybe you should do stand up because your profile cracked me up!
Okay you luv being Irish.....No Way(insert sarcasm here!lol)Your the life of the party....really(insert it one more time!lol)The only problem I have with you....drinkers sure,story teller of coarse...but non practicing.......you have No Irish Catholics?
So tell me more about you,how do you spend your downtime these days?Out side of going to Ireland what else is on your to do list?
Would I still make the grade if I was 8'1?Or only willing to climb three flights of stairs.......we can do like runners do and pass the torch(aka da bottle!lol)and you can take the last flight........because if your drink that has to be like your climbing the alps!lol
Okay I hope I at least got a smile out of you,and look forward to hear from you!Have a great day,Cheers!Jim <--- Excuse me, what?
And now I'd like to introduce you to "JamesBrown32" who took douche to a WHOLE new level. After winking at me THREE TIMES (to which he did not receive a response), he finally emailed. We went back and forth one day and he finally just asked "Too much emailing. Can I just call you?" Now THIS, was music to my ears. Way to hop, Jim! This email, texting, IMing - we're not 7th graders. Good for friends, but if you want to actually get to know me, and date me? PICK UP THE PHONE AND TALK TO ME!!!! Glad to see someone was using his "pair!!" Um... too bad this feeling did not last long, as Jim asked/told me the following during our first and ONLY encounter:
- So, what do you do for fun? Are you a frat guy kind of girl?" <-- What does this EVEN MEAN?
- "I've been out with A LOT of girls from Match. A LOT. And it gets kind of annoying - I mean, some of these girls look NOTHING like their profile pictures. They tell me how hot they are and then I meet them and they look like f*cking linebackers." <-- Seriously?? And you want me to GO OUT with you??
- During our 6pm, Friday evening phone call...
Jim: "What are you doing late night tonight?"
Me: "Late night?"
Jim: "Yeah, a buddy of mine got promoted, so he's having this bar thing. But I figured after, I could give you a call at like 11:30 or 12:00 and you could meet me out for a drink." <-- [because all first dates should take place at midnight on a Friday after you've been drinking with your buddies... sure...]
Me: "Yeah, probably not. I'm really tired, I think I'm going to stay in tonight."
Jim: [NO JOKE this is EXACTLY what he said:] "Well how 'bout I give you a call around 11:30 and let the phone ring twice and that should give you the motivation you need to come meet me."
Me: "You can call me if you want. But I'm not answering the phone." <-- And yes, I really said that.
- And FINALLY... Jim: "So here's what my week looks like Monday I've got [this], Tuesday and Thursday I've got [this]..."
Me: "Friday I'm going to Michigan for my college's homecoming"
Jim: "So it looks like Wednesday is your shining opportunity to hang out with me..."
Me: "Yeah... Let me look at my schedule and I'll let you know..."
After writing him off IMMEDIATELY he then called AND texted the following Thursday "What are you doing the rest of the week?" (I did not respond) AND AGAIN on Friday "How's Autumn doing today?" (I did not respond) AND AGAIN on Saturday night at around 10pm "Hey Autumn! Want to meet out?" (I did not respond) AND AGAIN on Monday morning at around 7:30a "Good morning Autumn." (I AGAIN, did not respond). During this time I also received one call daily from a "Private Number" which since I've never answered or responded, has stopped occuring, leading me to believe said "Private Number" was ALSO Jim the Super Douche! Good luck to ya Jim!! Ass!
Over the douches... Moving back to the list...
- Don't take post pictures that you took of yourself standing shirtless in your bathroom. - Now, let's talk about profile pictures. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, do not post the following:
- pictures you take yourself, of yourself, when the camera is clearly visible in the picture because you're taking it of a mirror
- pictures of you with children that do not belong to you. Posting pictures of yourself with other people's kids does not make me want to date you. It makes me think that you are desperate and trying WAY too hard. You already filled out the "Wants Kids" in your profile. Simmer.
- pictures of you with so many other people, that it is IMPOSSIBLE to know who you are. Am I supposed to play "Where's Waldo?"
- pictures of random landscapes and scenery from your world travels WITHOUT ANY PEOPLE IN THEM. This tells me nothing about you, except that you went to Spain once. WHO CARES????
- Do not create headlines that say: "Looking for my Princess" or "Are You The One?" or "Are you my Mrs?" Vomit.
- When we DO actually meet, and go on a date DO NOT do any of the following (these ACTUALLY happened to me as well):
- tell me about your dead parents, awkward
- order another drink when I don't
- wear white socks and black shoes with shorts... on a date or EVER!
- drink not one, not two, but yes THREE pitchers of beer by yourself (okay, this didn't happen with a boy I met on Match, but needed to be added to the list just the same...)
There, I have said my peace, and hope that I have helped the world in some small way. I will now go about my business, dating the world's men one DOUCHE at a time!!
Until next time... thanks for reading!!
-A
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Kerry Lauerman
Joan Walsh
Salon.com
Comments
Now, if I can offer some friendly advice. Your photo (with the tongue hanging out) is cute and shows that you have a sense of humor. But it might also give the impression to many guys that you a "fun" chick. I can tell you from a man's perspective that that photo probably does more to make you a "douche magnet" than anything else.
From reading your post, your wit and sense of humor comes through loud and clear. Show them a more serious photo to filter out the douchebags. Let them discover your wit as they get to know you.
Now you've got me thinking of writing a Match.com story about the women there.
Its a lot harder for a guy than you might realize- even with your own criteria. If they're too soft-- a wink, for instance, you write 'em off. If they come on too strong, you write 'em off. If they paint their background green, you write 'em off. If they come on too wimpy, you write 'em off. If they say the wrong thing, you write 'em off.
So you give 'em half a shot-- a quarter of a shot maybe-- to get through your gauntlet, and if they don't make it-- do they get another chance?
How about you-- how accurate are you in your description? I know a lot of women are not even close. They say they're slender and beautiful and witty and funny and love to walk in the rain and all that blather-- and then... well, let's just say there are some equally "interesting" cases out there (I'm being a bit more charitable).
Actually, online is a really good way to find a match. My suggestion is to use the 'don't' list you posted above within your profile, turned around in your favor. Make it say you "want a guy who only orders another drink if I do...." and be creative and fun while you put your 'rules' out there. Then if and when a guy responding doesn't get it, you know to move on down the list.
Have fun with it!
~ Do NOT ask a woman you have never laid eyes on to meet you at a MOTEL! (YES, I had that happen back when I was dating... more than once)
~Do NOT expect someone else to change their plans at the last minute because your "first choice" to meet for the evening canceled at the last minute.
~Do NOT call me when I am in the middle of putting dinner on the table OR before I have had that first pot of coffee... I'm LIKELY to rip you the proverbial "new one" and then slam the phone down in your ear with a few 4-letter imprecations. (my BOSS has a habit of calling me BEFORE I get that first pot of coffee in me... and hasn't figured out that I am positively SURLY before the caffeine IV is inserted)
Very funny post.
That'll teach you to go looking on Match.com - WTF were you thinking?
And they seem to think women who post on dating sites have dating "handicaps" is the odd thing. Whereas in traditional dating, men have the ball in their court where hooking up is concerned. If they are relatively attractive (which online the vast majority of men historically are not), able to put words into sentences, and have an income, they could actually just go up to a real woman they find attractive, say in the frozen food section of the grocery, chat her up, and ask for her phone number so online men seem like they have the dating "handicap" to me.
But I loved your post and it seems we have all had similar experiences.
So I wrote it out in a post, and I linked to yours. But the short of it is: You have clearly been looking in the wrong place or imputing the wrong search criteria.
True, the guy was a loathsome cloying prose slug and you should have poured salt on him, but you are aware that you're sporting the sort of lingual appendage that bathes my cat in his dreams, right? (He took one look and said "The _time_ I could save! Slurp... up one side! Slurp... down the other! Prrrrr... back to sleep.")
Of course, being a sophisticated (i.e., heavily medicated) sort of guy, I would have eschewed the excruciating single entendre and instead said something witty-yet-warm about driving open convertibles into car washes or having wet towel fights in locker rooms.
P.S. Is it the shorts & white socks, the white socks & black shoes, or the shorts & black shoes? I too have very strong feelings about this.
Man, 61, seeks woman 35-45
Man, 59, seeks woman 25-45
Man, 55, seeks woman 35-50
On and on and on. I wrote to a few, asking, "Is there some reason? I've buried my Mom who lived vigorously until nearly 98...most women I know who marry older men are widows....is there some reason you don't even want to MEET a woman your own age?"
I think the ones who annoyed me most were those who'd make the cutoff 5 years younger than themselves. As though they just needed that negligible "seniority" edge. Isn't the general power imbalance sufficient. Clearly, if a 50 y/o woman would be okay, it's possible a 55 y/o woman would be too...but that would make her his equal.
Most never answered. One who did explained that women his age couldn't keep up with him, as he's extremely fit. I believed him, he looked frisky and answered sincerely.
But the whole thing was so dispiriting--rejection on account of a bit of bio-business that's not all that accurate a reflection of who I am...that I gave it up.
Hope I get up the nerve to look again sometime.
(Dittos on the tongue photo, funny but too triggering for a I'm-delightful-but-expect-respect kind of interpretation.)
Good luck...
Did you honestly think that posing with your tongue hanging out, in a bar (the background definitely looks like a bar) would NOT illicit a response like "That tongue of yours is driving me crazy. Seriously, how much can I pay you and what would you do with it?"
I have a friend who does the same thing (and this is on her Facebook profile!) ... a while ago she put up these sultry, seductive photos emphasizing her pouty lips and come-hither eyes, and then proceeded to complain when she got hit on by unsavory guys (some of them in their 60's!) and wondered why men are "douches".
Uhh, haven't you learned yet? This is a sex-filled world, and guys -- especially on a dating site! -- will take any even slightly lascivious-looking photo as an invite for strictly carnal pleasure, nothing more, nothing less.
How you portray yourself in your dating profile and pic has EVERYTHING to do with the type of responses you'll get in return! This does not mean you have to pose as a buttoned-up librarian and strictly quote your work resume online, but please, enough with the cutesy "fun-loving" half-drunk pics, or saying up front I'm "up for a good time, drinks after work, like to go clubbing, etc.", because, guaranteed, you're going to attract the casual, fly-by-night type of characters.
Present a slightly more serious, grounded side of yourself online, and once you start getting responses from worthwhile guys, wait till the first few dates before showing off your fun, flirty side.
It amazes me that women can be this stupid when it comes to their online profiles and how they want to portray themselves. I hear and see complaint after complaint of this sort (from other online dating veterans and my own single friends) and all I have to do is see their profile pic and read the first few words of their profile and it all makes sense as to why they attract the "douchebags" in the first place.
So don't blame the men all the time. Yeah, there are plenty of douchebags out there trolling the dating sites ... just don't post a "douchebag" profile to attract them in the first place.
(Shaking head) ... sometimes I just want to give my own gender a huge shake of the shoulders and tell them to "wake up!".
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Now - I feel the need to defend myself, as this "picture" of mine seems to have sparked a lot of controversy! Sheesh! First of all, yes. I did post that picture as my profile picture with the premise that I wanted to try to make sure that my "personality" came across. I'll also have you know, that two weeks in (I've now been on Match for nearly three months) I received that message from LilJohn about my tongue and PROMPTLY changed the picture (although I will say - in my defense - posting a picture like the tongue sticking out is a good way to weed out some of the d-bags. For example, LilJohn was actually kind of good looking, and his profile wasn't that bad. Had I had a normal picture, and he sent me a message I likely would have written him back. Little would I have known what who the man behind the curtain was...)
So for the past two and a half months, roughly 75% of the time I've been on Match.com my NEW profile picture is just me, smiling, at a wedding. Very tasteful, it's also the photo I'm currently using as my profile picture on my "professional" Facebook page. So what does this mean?
It means that these guys weren't idiots because I was sticking my tongue out in a picture. It means their just idiots. Do I think ALL men are idiots? Absolutely not!! I was simply just having fun with a life experience by writing about it! Just trying to make some smiles!! :)
Regardless of what you thought - I thank you again for caring enough to have an opinion. And contrary to what some believe from reading this I am not Debbie downer on Match, I'm still plugging away... That's the funny thing about life. You just never know... :) Thanks again all!!
I'm reminded of that famous photo of an older Einstein sticking out his tongue; Al - what a slut!
Lighten up folks.
You assume all men who wink do so because they are cowardly. However, correlation does not imply causation. Roses are red, but are all flowers red? No. It is safe to assume that a man who "Winks" MAY be a coward, but that is all.
I wink, because my time is valuable to me, not because of cowardice. The normal email response rate from females to males on match.com sits around 15-20%. Statistically speaking, don't you think it would be wise to wink first to see if that person has any interest at all?--Instead of spending ten minutes of your life writing an email which will VERY LIKELY be ignored?
I am willing to bet your flawed assumption has lost you some great opportunities.
The Case of JamesBrown32
You assume a man who "Winks" at you three times did so knowingly. On Match.com, there is no way to keep track of who I have and haven't winked at. My job is to find women who I am interested in, who are also interested in me. Worrying about who I have and have not winked at previously is none of my concern. It is just another time consuming task which would impede me.
I will post more comments as they come to me. My conclusion is that your rejecting people based upon assumptions (which may or may not be true) and this creates a path which only Players will be able to travel down (as they know EXACTLY what to say to skirt your assumptions).