I have always been a big fan of dinner parties.  I gave them when I was a broke student.  I give them now that I have an honest-to-god formal dining room.  I come from a culture where food is love.  I never need an excuse to feed people, whether it’s burgers off the grill in my kitchen or four courses for New Year’s Eve by candlelight.

I think a lot of people are intimidated by the idea of a “dinner party.”  It conjures up visions of a perfectly coiffed housewife in an apron serving up impossible concoctions at a perfectly set table in an immaculately clean house.  The list of excuses that one comes up with is endless.  “I can’t cook that well.”  “I have two kids, where will I find the time or opportunity?” “My house is always such a wreck.” “I’d much rather go out.”

And it’s true, to some extent.  The natural desire to please others, to have them think well of us, can make entertaining a stressful experience.  When we think we have an audience, we’ll kill ourselves to make everything perfect, and that’s not fun.

But dinner parties don’t have to be that way.  Over the years, I’ve learned that entertaining your friends at home can be a blast on any kind of budget, under any kind of circumstance.

When I was a broke grad student, I’d invite nine of my classmates over for dinner.  Each would be instructed to bring an ingredient.  One brought a pound of pasta.  Another brought some onions.  Others were enlisted to buy wine, crackers, or whatever other ingredients were needed.  We’d all cook the dinner together, drink wine, and talk late into the night.

There’s a group of us who get together often, and between the five couples there are eight kids under ten.  We cut open hefty bags, cover the table with them, serve big platters of spaghetti with tomato sauce and eat with our hands, no individual plates.  Yes, the kids and adults all together are complete chaos.  And it’s a blast.

But I can also invite the board of a professional association that I sit on over to my house for dinner and create impressive fine dining ambience. 

There are tons of entertaining gurus who can teach you how to make elegant centerpieces using a vegetable peeler and crepe paper.  There are tons of chefs who can instruct you how to make a perfect coq au vin to serve your guests.  God knows there’s heaps of products on the market that offer to make you into a stylish hostess.  And you know what?  None of it matters.

The dirty little secret of the modern dinner party is that most people don’t come into your home to have a super-elegant, overly “done” dinner.  There are plenty of five star restaurants available if one wants to have that kind of hyper-stylized experience.  They come to your home to have a personal, intimate experience with you and yours. The modern dinner party is not about inviting someone into your house to impress them.  It’s about inviting someone into your home because they are (or are starting to become) part of what I like to call “chosen family.”

One of the things that is great about family is that they’ve known you for so long, and with such depth, that there’s really no “putting on airs.”  Even if you try to do it, you can’t.  You get busted pretty fast.  And chosen family is no different.  You’ve revealed enough of yourself to your chosen family that there is no need to pretend to be something you’re not.

When you realize how much you’ve already accepted your guests into your lives and your hearts, accepting them into your home shouldn’t be such a big deal. The things you are doing for a modern dinner party are not so much about making yourself look good, so much as about making your guests feel welcomed and treasured.  It’s a small attitude adjustment, but an important one, because it takes the fear out of the whole endeavor.

So with that most important principle firmly set forth, the nitty-gritty becomes a lot easier.  The basic tips of how to host a modern dinner party without going crazy are:

TIP #1:  You don’t need to do everything. 

No one is good at everything.  Personally, my bête noir is dessert.  I haven’t got the kind of patience and attention to detail that makes for a gifted baker.  So I don’t do it unless I feel really inspired to it.  I rely on the bakery department of my local grocery store.

I also hate cooking side dishes. Honestly, I have limited time to cook when I have guests over, so I try to keep to the simple stuff.  I am not above buying preprepared side dishes like roasted butternut squash or sautéed green beans.  Take it from me: the rice cooker is your friend.

If you are a really bad cook overall, there isn’t any shame in even ordering food in and serving it.  I have a girlfriend in New York who has hosted dinner parties that way on occasion. The most accomplished society hostesses use caterers and private chefs, yes, even for dinner parties.  You are not depriving your dinner guests of anything (except perhaps nausea) if you opt to have someone else cook dinner. Even if that someone is Lo’s Famous Noodle Palace.

TIP #2:  Use what you’ve got

I am the daughter of a dish-aholic. And I think the disease is genetic.  My mom has no less than eight different dish patterns that she uses in regular rotation on her dining table.  These dishes range from the really expensive fine wedgewood, to the stoneware she picked up on sale at JC Penney. I have seen her use every pattern at one point or another with company.  Some are only fit for breakfast with weekend guests.  Others only make an appearance when she does a formal dinner.

I have only 4 dish patterns, so apparently my affliction is not quite as acute as my mother’s.  But like my mother, I don’t believe in acquiring a dish pattern only to let it sit in a cabinet.  I put my good dishes on the table every chance I get.  What the heck are you saving them for?

The piece of advice I always give to young folks who are doing wedding registry is to find nice tableware that is dishwasher safe.  Why?  Because the only reason I don’t use my fine china more is that my husband bitches when he has to clean it by hand. It did, however, give me a fantastic excuse to buy nice china that would go in the dishwasher. [Evil grin]

The flip side of this advice is to remember that even humble mismatched dishes can make for an interesting and appealing table.  Don’t let the fact that you don’t have fancy gold rimmed dishes with fancy designs on them and crystal stemware prevent you from thinking you are “fit for company.”  Because the fact of the matter is that long after people have forgotten the dishes you used or the food you put on them, your guests will remember the fun they had, the conversations they participated in, and the friendship they forged with you.

TIP #3: Elegance is better (and easier) if it is simple

I am a big fan of informality.  Especially when you have kids. But sometimes you want to make a big thing out of it.  Sometimes you are celebrating.  Sometimes you just want to make it extra special for your guests.  Sometimes, you want an excuse to dress it up.

And this is where most people freeze up. Maybe they’ve watched too many design shows and read too many magazines and feel pressure to create something worthy of a page in ELLE Décor. Maybe they feel like the level of fancy one is capable of is directly proportionate to the amount of cash one has to spend. Maybe they think that elegance is simply not part of who they are.  Only those kind of people are elegant, not us regular

folks.

And I say – bullshit!

A fancy table is like wrapping a present before you give it.  Lavishing the attention and effort on making it look pretty is part of showing your guest how special you think the occasion (and your guest) really is.  Of course you don’t have to do it.  But the extra effort is often appreciated.

Creating an elegant table is actually a relatively simple process:

Use a simple cream or beige hemstitch linen tablecloth to make a nice surface for your table. When you are done with the meal, and the table is clear, all the drops and drips and bits can be handled in the wash.  Linen is a classically elegant fabric, but it is also strong and can handle a good washing. (I always get amused by people who fear washing linen in a washing machine, as if people have not spent centuries beating it against rocks to clean it.) What’s more, if you are not the type that likes to iron (uh, that would be me), you can use a washed linen tablecloth and still have a rumpled elegance to your table.  Selecting an off-white color allows for further forgiveness on things like stains and wrinkles. 

Get matching linen napkins to make it complete.  Since you’re keeping everything else simple, you can get creative with the napkin rings (if you choose to use them at all).  If you don’t want to buy some, use strips of fabric or ribbon with beads attached to the ends. By the way, if you think you can’t afford to buy a tablecloth and napkins, you can purchase linen for about $7 a yard and make them

Keep the flowers simple.  Flowers all of one species and color (tulips or roses are both nice, hydrangeas if you feel like it) in a clear glass vase will do very nicely.  Who has the time for complicated arrangements? Plates should be simple too.  Restaurants overwhelmingly use simple white plates for a reason.  They always look charming, and they set off the food.  Use whatever glasses you have for whatever beverages you’re serving. 

Candles make the mood serene.  Choose unscented, white or cream candles.  Votives, pillars or tapers, it doesn’t matter.  Metal or glass candleholders can add some charm to your table. 

This is more than enough to make any table beautiful.  If you want to take the time and the effort to do something more creative, I say go for it. Not only does it provide a great opportunity to set the mood and express yourself, it’s can be a lot of fun to play.  But if setting an elegant table makes you nervous, this plan is foolproof.

By the way, if space permits, set the table hours before the guests arrive.  I try to do it sometime in the mid-afternoon before company comes in the evening.  That way I am not scurrying trying to take care of it in the midst of trying to dress myself, putting away the mail and fixing the meal.

TIP #4: Unless it’s the most formal of occasions, put your friends to work.

Most of the time when guests come over, someone will make the offer. “Can I help?”  I was taught that was the polite thing to do.  And I guess I hang out with like-minded people, because most of my friends feel the same.

Some people think the offer is just a guest being polite, so they don’t take the offer seriously.  Some people have trouble letting others operate in their space.  Some people just don’t want to appear to need help. And of course, if it’s a really formal dinner, your guests should remain guests.

But there’s a good reason to take up the offer, even if you end up asking them to do something that you could just as easily do yourself.  Remember, the modern dinner party is about building and cementing relationships, not showing how much of a hero you are in the kitchen.  And the only thing that is more of a bonding experience than eating together is preparing the food together. It also solves the problem of how to both entertain your guests and get the food ready at the same time. So, open that bottle of wine, set up one of your guests as your sous chef, and have a few laughs while you get things ready.

A modern dinner party is supposed to be fun. First, last and always. There’s no point in doing it otherwise.  And the reason why I offered “tips” in this essay and not “rules” is because there are none. If you don’t like cooking, don’t.  If you don’t like eating at a dinner table, don’t.  If you don’t like using plates, don’t. 

Put friends and food together and you have a dinner party.  That’s all you need, the only essential element.  Almost every other choice you can make after the decision to put a dinner party on is up to you. There’s really no wrong or right so long as everyone is enjoying themselves. 

Like a lot of things in this world, if you’re not having fun, you’re doing it wrong.

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