Attention cheating men: Nature didn't cause your infidelity
I feel so bad for men and their instinctual inability not to cheat on their significant others:
When a girl is literally unzipping your pants, men can't say no. We're not built that way.
This is a quote from a recent article in Marie Claire about bachelor parties and what really happens at them. The man quoted above used this line as an excuse for why it was OK for him to cheat on his wife at a bachelor party -- because when a woman propositions to hook up, a man's unstoppable instinct is to oblige. In fact, Dilbert creator Scott Adams recently went so far as to group "tweeting, raping, cheating, and being offensive" as examples of bad behavior that really are "natural instincts of men [that] are shameful and criminal" according to society.
This is a tired and untrue claim made by men who don't want to take responsibility for their actions -- that their sexual desires and urges are so powerful that if a woman is naked in front of them, they are helpless to overcome their instinct to get laid. What this really speaks to isn't a natural instinct, but a lack of willpower, self-control, and forethought. If a woman comes on to you and you are in a relationship where hooking up with other people is considered cheating, then you have the agency to decline, push her away, walk away, etc. If you literally can't fight these temptations and they overwhelm your life, you likely need to seek professional help for a sex addiction.
Hugo Schwyzer at the Good Men Project says that this type of bachelor party behavior isn't natural male instinct, but a social response from peers to prove one's masculinity and maintain male camaraderie by hooking up with women:
What’s curiously absent in the Marie Claire article (and in the research on male homosociality and heterosexual behavior) is lust. Most of us were raised to believe that young men are in a state of near-constant arousal, with sex first and foremost on their minds. The reality [...] is that orgasm is secondary in importance to homosocial validation.
I've seen this kind of male peer pressure countless times -- the most recent, documented example is from The Real World when Leroy harasses Dustin to kiss Cooke. Dustin seemed to relent only because of Leroy's goading, and I'm sure proving his heterosexuality to male roommates after his gay-porn-star past was revealed also factored into that decision. But what he lost in making his on-and-off roommate girlfriend Heather mad, he gained in respect and validation from Leroy.
The mantra that men can't fight their sexual temptations (see also this video which begs women to dress modestly because men can't fight their lustful and sinful temptations) ignores that people come equipped with reason and logic. And I know that many men don't employ the sex-crazed mantra, and many men wouldn't encourage their buddies at bachelor parties to cheat on their significant others, but this excuse is thrown around so much in regard to sexual behavior generally that it's unsettling. And it becomes most unsettling when used as Adams does, to excuse rape as a natural male instinct because men can't control their sexual urges.
Or as Dan Rottenberg wants to excuse rape, as the quintessential "drama" that men -- the "human animal" -- naturally crave:
Conquering an unwilling sex partner is about as much drama as a man can find without shooting a gun— and, of course, guns haven’t disappeared either.
This is an example of rape apologism that I haven't heard before -- that forcing a woman against her will to have sex with you is a real thrill that men naturally seek -- but follows the same rhetoric of excusing behavior because it's deemed natural for men to do. Considering that we're a species that prides itself on its intelligence, it's merely a matter of convenience to revert to the "it's just uncontrollable instinct" defense to escape accountability for "bad" behavior.
So instead of, "We're not built to stay faithful to our significant others," maybe cheating men should try being more honest with themselves. Some possible truths include, "I'm not really committed to my current partner," "I'm caving to peer pressure," or "I'm a douchebag who simply hopes to cheat on his partner, lie about it, and get away with it just because I can."
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Comments
There are biological factors involved in the human reproductive urge. The female component manifests itself one way…the male in another way.
Every male remembers when the urge was so great in youth that the condition “blue balls” occurred…when the physical pain involved in the urge was so great that relief from it was more important than anything else.
Obviously the maternal “instinct” is a necessary ingredient in the human condition. We honor it. Perhaps the male instinct to inseminate is more powerful than we want to acknowledge…and while it is not necessary to honor it, we can certainly treat it with a little less condemnation.
Yes, men should stay in control…and certainly rape, coercion, duress is properly condemned…but your oversimplification on this issue is astounding, Cathy.
What I'm condemning here isn't a natural sex drive, but its use as a scapegoat for behavior like cheating or rape. I don't think it's bad for men or women to have high sex drives -- I do think it's bad when they don't take accountability for their actions and blame nature instead.
While I think that engaging in deception is wrong, have you stopped
to consider that the societal norm may not be what is normal for our
species? Or why is it that We seem to be able to divide our love between more than one child, without the world exploding but we are not capable of sharing our love with more than one partner? Perhaps the narrow confinements that we are expected to live within are unrealistic and set us up to fail...
But lumping infidelity and rape into one pile is ridiculous. Men are not cheating alone .., what about the women they are cheating with? Where is thier reatraint? Moral compass? Your argument seems more like a blanket moral judgement for a behavior that you and society has deemed a sin... When the truth of the matter is that there are many reasons that people engage in extramarital relationships that are not always about sex.
But more to the point you are not making here is the second level of insight attained when one observes the aberrant behavior that results when the process is subverted, such that the female and especially the male urges are stymied.
But once again, however, your bagging together of various male behaviors as disparate, as completely different as rape and infidelity under the large rubric of “bad male behavior” makes it impossible to respond to your piece in any intelligent way.
And of course, that is part of your skill as a polemicist.
I'm not saying they are on the same level at all in terms of how "bad" they are, so to speak, but just that men's sexual actions, in whatever way they manifest themselves, are often deemed as uncontrollable sexual desire rather than the product of personal choices that a man made.
Also, yes women cheat, but their cheating isn't excused like this. As someone pointed out on a different website where I post my blog, women who cheat are labeled as homewreckers, mistresses, sluts, whores -- so this blog isn't to say women don't cheat, but that society doesn't excuse their cheating as part of a natural sex drive.
And to white and black, this blog isn't meant to be commentary on whether humans are naturally monogamous or polyamorous or what have you. Everyone has different preferences, all of which are fine and work for them. But when it comes to cheating, that is still a conscious choice you are making that is deceitful if you've committed yourself only to one person (I make that clear in the blog) or specific people.
@whirlwind: I'm not sure exactly what you're saying here ... that this sex drive is natural because you see the sex drive variances in animals? That these insatiable sexual urges have merit?
Social behavior and sexual behavior, though related, are not one and the same. Heterosexual men, it seems to me, have a very hard time obtaining sexual gratification from women in general. As for cheating, I think women are as likely to cheat as men are. Perhaps straight couples should take a leaf out of many gay couple's books where in most -though certainly not all- cases of LTRs, sleeping with other people is part of the equation. It certainly helps to keep many couples together by allowing for a natural male urge: to have sex with as many partners as possible.
Is this a natural female urge? I don't know, I am not a woman, and the women I've asked tend to say that it isn't. Though younger women often say that it is. SO is this social convention underpinning feminine sexual mores in the West?
I do, however, think there is evidence that men have biological tendencies that preordain them to be more likely to "cheat" than women.
People make bad decisions all the time, ie. drunk driving, smoking, spending too much money, screwing up priorties, the list is long and varied. I think some of these decisions, and lets face it decisions are what they are, are in some instances a product of biological urges bumping against modern societal and political mores.
That would be harmless were it not for this. A man accused of rape has the right to deny that he raped and the right to have the credibility of his accuser tested vigorously before he goes to jail for ten or more years. The fact that he is allowed through his attorney to test the credibility of the accuser is often interpreted as some sort of "absolution of his agency" in a rape that is assumed to have occurred.
Women may cheat as much as men, but so far it is not being argued that they can't help themselves because nymphomaniacal tendencies are a biological imperative. However, if arguing biological imperative is going to be a valid excuse for behaving very, very badly, I'm all for it. I've a number of urges that I can tap from the primitive unconscious that would be unsavory for society in general that I would love to indulge without societal or legal censure. For instance, I would love to ram in to the back of cars that cut me off --I'm sure with a little Googling, I can find a corresponding evolutionary argument for why that's behavior I can't control even if it is the the 21st century.
The marie claire article is clearly a piece of crap attempt at expose / tabloid style journalism using stories told by so called bachelor party goers...yawn
As for rottenborg he is a ninnie who was trying to spur readership by posting a controvercial editorial which backfired.. Again yawn
But this hardly amounts to proof of a misogynistic agenda to excuse rape or affairs ...
@white and black, that Marie Claire article isn't winning a Pulitzer, but the theme that men use their sex drive as an excuse for cheating is a real, common phenomenon.
@Brassawe, To say that there is no irrational absolution of men in society when they sexually assault? I think it's irrational to say that if a woman is wearing a skirt, she is asking to get raped, but lots of people feel that women are to blame for inviting certain behavior based on the clothing they wear. Or that if they drink too much alcohol, they are to blame for being raped because they weren't practicing proper judgment. Or that if they had sex with that person before, it isn't rape. Or if it's their husband, it isn't rape. Society has a history of making excuses for men when it comes to sexual assault.
I concede that people don't completely absolve men of rape because most people do think it's a vile, violent crime. But it's often not without dragging the women down in the process. I understand testing the credibility of an accuser in the court of law, as with any witness in a case, but should a woman merely having a sexual history make her accusation not credible? For some, it does, and that's a slippery slope.
Women are routinely held to a higher moral standard, and frequently receive higher sentences for the same crimes as men do. Don't bother to argue with me -- my husband is a criminologist who has researched this area for 30 years. The facts speak for themselves.
I have attended a rape trial, I have attended several rape trials in fact... I have interviewed rape victims and questioned rape suspects.
Cathy has made the connection of rape to infidelity on her own here because of a comic strip writer's ignorant statement..
Rottenberg is again an idiot who doesn't understand that rape is a crime of violence and power..who was then ignorant enough to use an analogy that a person who knowingly puts them self in harms way should expect to get harmed.. I am not defending Rottenberg.
I am questioning the "assumptions " Cathy has made with this comment ..
" So instead of, "We're not built to stay faithful to our significant others," maybe cheating men should try being more honest with themselves. Some possible truths include, "I'm not really committed to my current partner," "I'm caving to peer pressure," or "I'm a douchebag who simply hopes to cheat on his partner, lie about it, and get away with it just because I can."
She is making assumptions that a person who cheats is not committed... I think the problem truly lies with inability for both men and women to communicate honestly with each other about emotional and their sexual needs.
Emma..As for women who cheat the most common excuse used is my husband doesn't pay attention to me... (doesn't read her mind) it is swept under the rug..and then he likely he files for divorce as no man wants to be seen as a fool to his friends..
yes I agree mistresses are disproportionately vilified and blamed for home-wrecking ..
But again.. what is bothering me here is the simplistic assumption that a man is cheating because he is a douche-bag or not committed..
I read schwyzers article. what a bunch of lame psychologizing. male sex drive is very simple, very basic. its not intellectual at all. those who intellectualize it are just way off. yes, guys like to brag, but bottom line, guys like sex, maybe--probably-- more than women. obviously the bragging is secondary. they have a "taste" for it. an "itch". women will never understand this, they can only imagine it. [yes, I will never experience the less intense female sex drive either]
let me get this straight, you take a quote from a guy at a *batchelor*party*? and you're offended the stripper offered sex? free sex? huh? it sounds pretty unlikely to me. frustrated women imagine that other women are throwing themselves at guys, but obviously that is not the case in any culture on the planet, mainstream media brainwashing notwithstanding.
haha, EXACTLY. so what exactly is cw's point here anyway? cw, I guess you have a little bit of hard time imagining this, but imagine your dad's relationship to your mother, the thoughts that went through his head when they first met, when they were dating, all the way up to their marriage & your conception. have you ever pictured this? if not, why not? if so, in what ways does it differ from the thoughts in your essay?
I recommend the new book "a billion wicked thoughts". theres a good article in discover about it. Im sure all you panties-in-a-knot feminists out there will find lots to be shocked and get upset about. so write about every one of your objections in detail, and Emily will probably post it for you! wink
is apologism a word? thats funny it ends with "gism" and sounds a lot like orgasm hahaha
wait, guys egging each other on to have sex? with hot girls? you didnt seem to mention that part. the hotter the girl, the better. we even call em "hotties" :p
HORRORS
have you ever heard of Sex Positive? does the term mean anything to you? ms Sex Negative....
Personally I don't think monogamy is a natural state for humans on average, it's an unnatural state for most animals (there are exceptions). However, the nature of it doesn't excuse the responsibility to a commitment. Most animals respond to so-called hardwired instincts ; where we differ is that we've developed this emotional/intelligence (very un-hardwired) thing called 'considered choice', which means that we consider options in any given situation and make a choice as to how we're going to respond. That removes the 'it's nature' excuse from the human lexicon because we've chosen to (attempt to) overcome that hardwiring that I think Frank A is talking about. It doesn't completely negate it, that would be impossible, we are what we are, but we can exert effort to overcome a lot of it :).
I kind of think this is apples and oranges, both points of view are right, but the subject is either, not or.
Rated for probably gonna get slapped for this one.
Women know from an early age that sexual promiscuity is considered breaking a social contract, and can prevent them from materially secure marriages, social status and personal freedom if they are caught out. We are more tolerant of it now, as a society, that women or men would openly have non marital sexual relationships. Despite the fact that many men have visited brothels, men have also been subject to the severe sexual repression of the ages. The problem is when there is a double standard, which most people have in some things, to excuse themselves for behavior they don't accept in others. The disparity between the standards we hold for ourselves vs others is where the sociopathy lies. Not all sexually unfaithful are horrible people, but many are incapable of honesty and fidelity on many levels- not just sex. They treat their spouses the way that conmen will treat a mark, someone to trick or a fool. Infidelity is not necessarily the only way they have crossed the line.
Still, men rarely have to fear the violence and murder that so many women experience at the hands of family, husbands, society, should they be found out.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/opinion/editorials/2003-07-27-estrich_x.htm
If you wish to see an interesting discussion of the woman's dress issue that you refer to in you 5:44 pm comment, please see Donna Carbonne's blog entry that is currently number two in the top ten.
A police investigator was telling me how they are the most vile and violent he has attended in the UK.
This post is a tad too generalist for me, sorry.
"Women are routinely held to a higher moral standard, and frequently receive higher sentences for the same crimes as men do."
Please use this statement and ask your husband about the sentence of female school teachers who have sex with their students vs male school teachers who do the same thing.
I love your first statement.
It is almost impossible to believe that you can find one person to deny that there was a double standard in how we dealt with Strauss-Kahn.
So we can apply that to everything that follows in your comment.
And I love your last statement.
All scientists I know are happy to discuss the outcomes of their work because it may increase the quality.
It is almost impossible to believe that you can find one earnest responsible scientist/researcher who doesn't want to argue about his findings, because such men (and women!) are neither scientists nor researchers.
So I will apply that too: I will not bother to argue with you whatever preceded in your comment.
____
I can see your point here, but in defense of CW, I must say that I was impressed with the language used in her description of what may constitute cheating: "If a woman comes on to you and you are in a relationship where hooking up with other people is considered cheating..."
This acknowledges and respects the fact that not all couples are monogamous. Which brings me to my point. Not all couples, not all PEOPLE, are monogamous and I think it is very important in any relationship to be honest.
One comment mentioned having a perfect wife, but the wife wouldn't understand husband's desire/need for multiple sex partners. This is an example of a monogamous person sharing life with a non-monogamous person. What is a shame here is the dishonesty, not the cheating, imho. He may not "need" to leave his wife because he is not monogamous, but he needs to leave his wife because he doesn't share the same values, and he is being dishonest with her. You have the perfect marriage. SHE is living a lie. For the record, neither my wife nor I are monogamous. I get it, I really do. But the honesty is the important thing here.
It's difficult to "read" your post, not because you're talking nonsense, but because of the structure.
From your content, and from the comments, I recognize three basics.
1. Rape.
Rape is defined by the legislator as a crime. It seems to me that this is undeniable a position in favor of women and denouncing men, unconditionally.
The habit of criminals is to look for excuses. The fact that they in the case of rape look for appropriate excuses, like cloths and inviting behavior, says nothing about men in general, but just all about the criminals and their lawyers.
2. Cheating.
As I have stated in my post A SPARE TIRE ON MY CAR: when a man makes love with a women who is not his wife, two are cheating and two are cheated. (And they are probably cheating themselves as well!) Research does not indicate other possible conclusions.
And for sure, you have a hard job to find that only married men share the wrong bed with unmarried women.
3. Bad behavior of men.
Bad behavior of men towards women is part of our culture, alas alas, but has nothing to do with having sex. If you think cheating is a problem, you should do a research on cheating of men (bosses etc.) towards women in general, cheating which has nothing to do with sex.
It's a difficult subject, but I wouldn't be surprised if the non-sexual cheating is far more devastating for everyone’s happiness then the cheating in bed.
Besides, the victims of the rat race are not only women.
NB Non-sexual cheating from women to men is also not exceptional in our society!
I would disagree that every man (or woman) who cheats is unable to commit or is some kind of dishonest asshole. Marriages are complicated social arrangements that do more than guarantee sexual exclusivity. The main point I want to make, though, is that most people enter into marriage having spent zero time examining their suitability for monogamy. They tend to find out they're not so suited only after they are seriously entangled in a relationship that now includes, not just the two of them, but some kids, a house, a mortgage, a set of friends, a couple sets of in-laws, complicated financial arrangements and other cooperative endeavors. Ripping that apart, to my mind, is far more destructive than having a discreet affair, the secrecy of which in fact testifies to the commitment of the cheater to the primary relationship. The person having the affair, rather than trying to harm their partner or family, hopes to avoid any impact at all on them, while at the same time getting some urgent needs met.
It seems to me that our tendency to make up stories about our sexual drive (some of which you quote and others of which you produce yourself) makes it less likely that we will examine our behavior honestly and reach some less damaging choices than marital cheating, with it's explosive potential, or a bored and bitter abstinence. Men are not jungle creatures, women are not earth mothers, both have strong biological drives. Ev psych emphasizes the conflicting sexual strategies of men and women--men go for the scattershot breeding approach, women for the long-term sequestration of a mate's resources--but at the same time admits that men have a vested interest in maintaining a long-term partner relationship while women achieve benefits from having multiple or back-up relationships. We're not as far apart as cultural storytelling would make us. It's pointless to argue that men are the problem. We can't do this without them.
Cheating can only happen, if one partner is afraid of sexual encounters outside the relationship. As a gay man, I have known very few totally monagamous gay lovers. They may claim to be, but can always find one or both "cheating". Most gay couples either enjoy having "three ways" or they have sexual encounters outside the relationship. I have had two long term relationships in my life, one that lasted over twenty years with an open relationship. The other lasted four years and was pure hell! I ended up having to move three thousand miles to get away from a mental case who was constantly accusing me of infidelity, and threatening me and my friends.
None of this is pertinent however, to your story. However I do think you have very little understanding of how a mans mind works. Most men do not think " a little on the side" is any big deal. While most women do! I'm sorry to use the old cliche, but men and women are simply from different planets!
If there is no objective perspective and one is left to their anecdotes, you can pretty much guarantee the truth will not be served, but only the prejudices of the perceiver.
The roles of men and women have been designed for millenia to preserve the species, and these roles change constantly. I personally find more happiness accepting those roles than resisting them. The rest is intellectual claptrap. You don't say if anyone actually gave you anything to think about Cathy.