Introduction 

The term “Rules of the Road” is actually a misnomer. In practice it is more like “suggestions” rather than rules. The word “rules” is used only to appease the “Authorities[1]” and should not be interpreted as meaning that a certain action is mandatory.  

In reality, all the “rules” of the road are mere suggestions to be followed at your discretion and subject to factors such as: 

• How much you paid for your vehicle.
• How much you’ve spent customising your vehicle.
• Whether or not you’re running late.
• Whether or not a traffic officer is within sight (yes, we know this is as unlikely as Julius Malema asking Helen Zille out on a date but still…in theory anything is possible).
• If you’re trying to impress your girlfriend / boyfriend / that hottie in the car next to yours.
•  Any other reason that occurs to you. 

Now, onto specifics…  

Speed Limits 

The sole purpose of posted speed limits is so that you have something to aim for. Speeding wouldn’t be nearly as much fun if there wasn’t an arbitrary number you could aim to exceed.  

Don’t worry about trying to distinguish between the signs for minimum and maximum speed limits. All you need focus on is the number on the sign – and then driving faster than that, twice that if you can.  

Stop Signs 

Stop signs are a tiresome leftover of days gone by when people didn’t have the rushed, hectic lives we lead now. In practice we all know that stopping (i.e. bringing your vehicle to a complete halt) is something only novice drivers do. (Give them a little time – they’ll learn.) 

In practice a stop sign works as follows:

• If you can’t see / hear any other vehicles, or simply if you feel like it – drive on as fast as possible without stopping. (You must drive fast in order to beat anyone who might be approaching from the other end who will also fail to stop.)
• If you are unusually thoughtful and careful you could slow down and then coast across the stop sign but only do this when you know you are not being observed because people will laugh at you.
• Pedestrians can safely be ignored. Roads are meant for vehicles, not pedestrians so vehicles have right of way – every time. Pedestrians should be nimble enough to jump out of your way. If they’re not, they really have no reason being out unsupervised and therefore inconveniencing you.  

Traffic Lights (Robots) 

It’s a good idea to familiarise yourself with the “official” theory behind traffic lights. This is so that you know what to say just in case you are ever stopped by a traffic officer (“Helen? Babe. This is Julius…).  

In practice, here is all you need to know about traffic lights:

Green Light

• Drive as fast as possible. Do not slow down!o   Ignore pedestrians – why on earth are they trying to cross at a green light any way?
• The millisecond the light turns green you have the right, no, the obligation to drive off as fast as possible, regardless of whether or not people are still crossing the road. Drivers with kinder dispositions might be tempted to wait for the elderly, disabled or blind. Don’t. These are merely ploys to gain your sympathy. You will be delayed by anything up to 1.25 seconds and that kind of thing cannot be allowed – it sets a bad example to novice drivers.
• If you do hit a pedestrian remember that it is their fault and you are under no obligation to stop. Your time is important and cannot be wasted on people who haven’t bothered to learn how things work. No court in the land will convict you under these circumstances.
• Failure to move off immediately automatically grants the drivers behind you the right to hoot loudly, shout obscenities, hurl objects at your vehicle, ram your vehicle and / or shoot you. This right is enshrined in our Constitution.

Amber Light

• The amber light is a quaint anachronism from times gone by and is retained merely because it is too expensive to replace all the existing traffic lights.
• In the past the amber light meant that you had to slow down and then stop in anticipation of the light turning red. (Yes, we know, people had a twisted sense of humour back then.)
• These days the amber light means that you must speed up because the light will soon turn red and you should get across before the drivers coming in the opposite direction decide to ignore their red light. 

Red Light

• Many novice drivers mistakenly believe that a red light is an instruction to bring your vehicle to a complete halt. This is a lie. The red light is merely there as a suggestion that you slow down to check for oncoming traffic before you proceed. That is, as with everything, purely optional. The question you should always ask yourself when approaching a red light is, “Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya?” 

Pedestrian Crossings 

A pedestrian crossing is a politically correct sop for people who can’t afford a car. You should not trouble yourself with learning all the tiresome rules about pedestrian crossings.

The correct rule is really very simple: you are allowed to drive on without even slowing down and you should under no circumstances bother to stop (see notes accompanying stop signs) as this just encourages irresponsible behaviour amongst pedestrians. 

Inexperienced drivers sometimes mistakenly believe that a pedestrian already on the crossing should have right of way. This is a lie intended to make you feel guilty if you hit the pedestrian. The actual rule is that once a pedestrian steps off the pavement (and sometimes not even then) they automatically give up all rights as well as expectations of safety. The road is meant for vehicles, not pedestrians! This cannot be stressed often enough and should be one of the mantra you live by.  

Traffic Circles 

Many people are confused by traffic circles. You shouldn’t be. The rules for traffic circles are really very simple. 

• There is no such thing as “right of way” – whoever drives faster gets in (and out) first.
• There are no proper lanes in a traffic circle – drivers usually arrange themselves in an approximation of lanes merely out of habit.
• It is advised that you wait until the last possible moment before switching “lanes” to exit the traffic circle – getting into the correct “lane” early on merely encourages unrealistic expectations amongst other drivers and this is something you should avoid at all costs. 
• As in many other situations, the use of indicators (lights on your car that flash) is strongly discouraged.  

Emergency Lanes 

The theory behind emergency lines is charming, though thoroughly impractical and unreasonable. If you took a Learner’s and/or Driver’s test before obtaining your driver’s licence you might remember being told that the emergency lane should only be used in, well, an emergency. This is not true. The emergency lane is for: 

• You to use whenever other vehicles are driving too slow for your liking and are therefore causing you inconvenience.
• You to use during rush hour – if they didn’t want you to use it they shouldn’t be tempting you with all that open space.
•  All vehicles costing R500 000 or more – remember, the more you pay for your car the more rights you have. 

Disabled Parking Bays 

This is another politically correct invention that causes needless inconvenience to the general driving public. If you are disabled you shouldn’t be driving in the first place – it’s only logical. (NB. As with most things, this does not apply to taxi drivers.) 

If the bay is available you have every right to take it. If a disabled driver protests – walk away briskly. Chances are they won’t be able to move fast enough to catch up with you. 

If you and a disabled driver arrive at the last available parking bay at the same time then the rule is simple: the one with the most expensive car has priority. You paid a lot for your car and that entitles you to the better parking bay. Any reasonable person will side with you if there are any nasty arguments.  

In the unlikely event that your right to a disabled bay is challenged, remember the golden rule – attack is the best form of defence. Yell, swear and threaten physical harm to the objector. If they still persist – run them down with your car. In legal terms this is called “justifiable vehicular manslaughter”. 

In the extremely unlikely event that you wind up in court on charges, ensure that you snare the Jaguar-driving judge who drinks too much “tea”. You’ll get a fair hearing.  

One Way Streets 

One way streets are illogical by their very name – after all, who can travel in two different directions at the same time? So don’t worry too much about this rule. You’re ok as long as you are driving in one direction only. 

Should you encounter another vehicle approaching you in the “right” direction, do not, under any circumstances, act apologetic and reverse. Retreat is never an option and only means that you are a sissy.  

What you should do is to hoot loudly and advance aggressively on the oncoming vehicle. For the more experienced driver, you might want to lean out of your window and yell obscenities at the other driver. If you’re the silent type you can glare accusingly at the other driver, while slowly shaking your head in disbelief at his/her sheer stupidity.  

Pavements 

Pavements were originally intended for pedestrians only. With the increase in car ownership (and the rise of the minibus taxi industry) this rule has largely become optional. You are now allowed to drive on the pavement if: 

• You’re really in a hurry.
• You are a taxi driver who’s spotted a fare and there is another taxi ahead of you.
• Your car cost more than the other cars in the immediate vicinity.
• There aren’t that many pedestrians on the pavement (except if there are children – for some reason many people get upset if you run over a child so try to avoid this if you can).
• You feel like it.  

General Rules 

Those drivers who are at a higher Zen evolutionary plane will probably feel encumbered by many of the “rules” listed here. Do not despair. Ultimately there are only two rules you need to remember. 

1. Taxi drivers are always right and always have right of way. Ignoring this rule could result in a savage maiming and/or premature termination of your life.
2. With the exception of no. 1, the more expensive vehicle always has priority.

Conclusion 

Driving a car is one of life’s great pleasures and you should make the most of it. Adherence to arbitrary rules at the insistence of petty bureaucrats gets in the way of your inalienable right to do whatever the hell you want when you’re behind the wheel. Keep that in mind and you will be assured of many years (or hours) of driving pleasure!