I wrote about about my previous relationship with the psychopath. I described how, in the aftermath of that relationship, I was afraid of relationships and emotional closeness. Actually, more than afraid. I was terrified. Well, recently I made a breakthrough and no one is more surprised than I am. 

I have a friend, let's call him Dee. I met him a few years ago and we had a friends-with-benefits relationship on an on/off basis. We agreed from the start that it was basically about the sex and would never move beyond that.

I started seeing him again after The Beast went to jail and for me, it was one of the ways in which I could forget about my pain, even if for only a few hours at a time.  Then in November last year something changed. Having him as a FWB no longer worked for me. After we made love I felt empty and alone, even though he was sleeping next to me. I knew it was time to end it. This was easier said than done but eventually I told him it was over and, for a while, he seemed to accept that.

Dee and I had always shared an intense physical attraction. I'd tried in the past to end it but he'd pester me to see him and eventually I'd give in and we'd end up in bed. When we were together it was...romantic and loving. I know that seems odd but it was like we were playing at being girlfriend and boyfriend. When he was with me, we were as loving and affectionate as can be but the fantasy ended every time I kissed him goodbye and we returned to our respective lives.

In working with my (wonderful) therapist I recently acknowledged that I want to be in a real relationship. I'm not in a hurry for that to happen but at least now I can consider it as an option with the right person. That was a huge breakthrough for me. It might not sound like much of a revelation but with my history (which I won't go into now), being able to admit to wanting someone to love me...well, that was mind-blowing. So much so that a few days later I crashed. I woke up one morning and couldn't face going to work or seeing anyone. I spent the next three days in bed. That's how big of a deal it was to me.

A few months ago, Dee started asking to see me again and wouldn't give up, no matter how many times I refused. He emailed, sent text messages and I received a few late night phone calls, begging me to let him come over. Nothing I said deterred him. I admit that I made no attempt to cut off communication. I wanted to be in contact with him still.

At one point I told him that since he was so obviously in need of physical relief, he should find someone to take my place. He replied that "it's not about being in need, it's about wanting to be with YOU". He repeated that sentiment many times thereafter - how he yearned to be with me, couldn't stop thinking about me. Yet, he denied that his feelings for me ran deeper. He was adamant that he did not want to be in a committed relationship.

A few weeks ago I faced the truth - I had (and still have) feelings for Dee. I like him more than I wanted to admit. I wanted to move beyond our FWB relationship to something more meaningful. And I was tired of pretending the opposite. So I told him I'd see him. A couple of nights later he came to my place.

It was intense, those few hours we spent together. We started off chatting -  catching up, talking about arbitrary stuff, just getting comfortable with each other. We were lying on my bed and gradually moved closer to each other until we were lying entwined, his head nestling in the curve of my neck. It felt so good, so comfortable.

Then he kissed me. Now let me tell you, we had fantastic kissing chemistry. We'd kiss until our lips swelled up and then we'd kiss some more. I loved kissing him and the feeling was mutual.

Yes, we made love. Afterwards I felt a mixture of pleasure and regret. I was swept away by passion (as corny as that sounds) and I was disappointed with myself for being unable to resist him. This time he saw the conflict and regret in my eyes. He was upset that he was the cause of that.

So I finally told him how I felt about him. I'd been afraid to confront my feelings because I thought that telling him would mean he'd have a hold over me. I now realised that admitting how I felt had exactly the opposite effect - I was empowered, not disempowered. I knew how I felt and what I wanted so I could make choices with my eyes wide open.

I said we had two choices - either explore where our relationship could take us...or go cold turkey and cut off all contact. No more emails, text messages or phone calls. Nothing.

We talked for about two hours. It was kind of funny but I ended up consoling him. He was distressed at the thought of never seeing me again and kept trying to convince me that we could remain friends without the sex. I knew from experience that we couldn't. The chemistry was just too strong. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. Eventually he accepted that we had to end it. Immediately. I've never seen a man look as sad as he did when he left.

That was nearly two weeks ago. He hasn't contacted me and I'm glad (and sad) about that. I miss him. I'm often tempted to contact him but I don't because I know I made the right choice. I didn't do it as a strategic move to force him into a relationship and I didn't do it out of fear of my growing feelings for him.

I did it because I can finally say that I want and deserve more than what we had. I want to love and be loved. I want to be with someone who wants all of me. I'm finally starting to be comfortable with the idea that I'm worthy of being loved. That's a really good feeling.