I discovered last week that my ex, The Beast, has a parole hearing on 30 November. He started a 3-year sentence in May 2008, at a medium security prison. He is now in a minimum security prison. He was convicted of fraud so I guess they think he's not a threat because he didn't commit a violent crime.

He can be very charming and articulate and presents himself as whoever he thinks you'd most like to see. I know the parole board will see a man who is remorseful, humbled and sincere. Someone intelligent who unfortunately made a big mistake and who now wants to rebuild his life, quietly and honestly.

It makes me want to vomit.

He is a psychopath. He is a predator. Simple as that. He is incapable of empathy. He is incapable of honesty. All he can ever do is mimic being human. And that he does very well.

He will not change. There is no medication or therapy to cure him. He will continue lying, cheating, stealing and wreaking havoc in people's lives until the day he dies.

Within the first month of his imprisonment he was on the phone to an ex-friend and colleague, spinning her a story to reel her in as his next victim. Fortunately she'd already spoken to me and we'd compared stories so she spotted the con attempt. All he got for his trouble was a verbal lambasting and richly deserved derision.

I know he will be granted parole and I am afraid.

His crimes were always economic and his abuse was always psychological and emotional. So I'm not particularly afraid of being harmed physically. But, given the nature of who he is...I can't positively rule out that he might not try to torment me because I exposed his lies to the woman he duped into marrying him. I destroyed his safety net and he didn't like that.

I won't go to the parole hearing. The mere thought of seeing him again makes me physically ill. He still haunts my dreams. My nightmares are always the same. 

I wake up to find him in my home and am powerless to make him leave. He looks at me like I'm a specimen under a microscope. A thing. Not a person. He's never flustered or repentent, indeed he usually acts as if I wronged him. He leaves when he wants to. He tells me, "It doesn't matter what you do, I can get in any time I want."

More than once, while out shopping or walking around town, I saw men I thought were him. Each time my heart slammed in my chest, my stomach cramped, I couldn't breath and I felt a rising wave of fear and panic. Just knowing he's still inside will mean I am safe from running into him (Cape Town is a small city). Knowing he's been released means (for me) that I might not have such an extreme reaction if I see him again. I can prepare myself for that possibility, even if only in a small way.

I don't want him to be able to get into my head. I'm working hard to ensure that he doesn't stain my life forever. But I can't pretend I'm 100% certain he'll stay away from me. Until 30 November I can relax. After that, I think it will take months before I am assured he will stay away from me.