Ishtar in the City

The life and times of a Crazy Cat Lady in South Africa

IshtarCT

IshtarCT
Location
Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa
Birthday
October 01
Bio
I am a single 30-something from Cape Town, South Africa. I'm in IT (I believe for sins committed in a past life), currently working in the public sector but for many years previously in the private sector. I adore reading and am a proudly acknowledged book slut. I like being on my own and have made peace with the fact that I'm one of those people who live in their own heads. I like knowing stuff simply for the sake of knowing. I love cats and am an unashamed sucker for any cute kitty pic.

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Salon.com
JANUARY 11, 2010 8:51AM

Depressed again...I'm so tired of this

Rate: 4 Flag

I seem to be sinking into another bout of depression. I've struggled for years to make peace with having depression; the idea being that if I accepted it I could find a way to manage it. But I'm not managing it. Oh there are times I feel great, in control and able to see all that is positive in my life but...now is not one of those times. Now I simply feel beaten down.

Medication, therapy, positive thoughts...none of it is working now. I'm low. Really low. And sinking. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of feeling tired. I want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out. I don't want to hear another voice. I don't want to smile and pretend everything's ok.

And I'm scared. Because it's at times like this that I think of how much better it would be if I simply stopped living. I wouldn't have to work so damn hard just to feel like a human being. I wouldn't have to cope with being with people and all the pretending..."I'm fine! I'm great! No complaints!". What else can I tell them? The truth? What could they do with the truth? Nothing. There's nothing they can do. I've battled the darkness all my life and I haven't yet figured out a way to defeat it so how could anyone else? This is my demon. I have to exorcise it.

I hate feeling this way. I really do. I work so hard to make positive changes, better choices, be more optimistic. You have no idea how hard I work at it. Yet, no matter how hard I try, my fucked-up brain always turns on me.

I really don't want to go into full-on woe is me mode but I guess that is inevitable when I'm in a depressed state. I don't feel like a nice, reasonable person. I feel like an apathetic, angry old cow. Yeah, yeah, I know that anger and apathy aren't exactly bedfellows but this is how I get when I'm depressed...angry at everything and everyone but too apathetic to actually do anything about it. There's a bitter humour in that.

So. What do I do now? What I always do, I guess. I stick it out. I try and try and try some more. And hope desperately that the good days will reappear sometime soon, so that I can once again look at the world in all its Technicolor glory.

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From one sufferer to another, hang in there. My work performance has gotten so sloppy over the past few weeks that I just had to have a brief meeting with my boss "admitting" to my baseline depression and current Really Bad Case of seasonal affective disorder. (Fortunately, he has mild SAD himself and comes from a medical family, so no demerits.)

You are in my thoughts. One suggestion: Have you talked with your prescriber about a change in your meds? Sometimes they just stop working and need either a dose adjustment or a swapout.
Thanks for your comment dopeddude.

I'm also battling with concentrating on my work and even the smallest task feels like a huge mountain I have to cross.

My meds have been changed and I'm waiting for that change to start working. I was on several different SSRIs but in the end they all stopped working and the side-effects became too much to handle. It turns out I'm really sensitive to increased levels of Serotonin. My doctor just switched me to one of the older tricyclics so we'll see how that goes. Another possibility is a new drug, which works on melatonin. The studies look good and my doctor has submitted a request to the drug company for me to get the drug, as its still in the approval stage in my country. That will probably take several months though.

I really hope you feel better soon. I'm glad your boss understands. Look after yourself, ok?
I hate getting depressed too. People think if you're doing all the things you're supposed to, then it won't happen anymore. Meds, therapy, happy thoughts... but here it comes again, a mind fog making your world a darker shade of gray. I hate feeling like if I get depressed it's the start of something bigger. Can't I just be in a bad/sad/low mood? I like to think that maybe I'm just a different, special, sensitive person and it's ok to notice when the world is feeling like a prolonged act of futility.

The trick is getting out of it because staying "there" is exhausting, especially once I start crying. I can easily lose a whole day from an hour of crying too hard. My solace is trying to remember that it doesn't last forever. I've been going round and round for years so I know what goes down does go up eventually. It's the fear that it will never end that gets my suicidal thoughts percolating. So I try to distract myself and stop judging myself for feeling depressed.

I always find it funny that depressed people are so much less judgmental and more supportive of other depressed people that they are for themselves. Isn't that odd? Maybe we just need to pretend that it's just some friend of ours who's feeling down and then it wouldn't seem so all-consuming. I have yet to succeed in distancing myself from my depressed mood, but it sounds good in theory.
Hi bbtyphoon

I share your fear that it will never end. It's odd but I can think of suicide without actually feeling suicidal. I don't want to die but when I am really low I just get so tired of it all. Dying would be like finally getting away from the darkness that has dogged me for so many years.

You note something else that struck me too...how depressed people are kinder to others than they are to themselves. I'm the epitome of patience and understanding when my friends are going through rough times but when it's me...well, you know how that goes.

What keeps me going is that I know if I end it, I will be doing irreparable harm to those who love me, especially my three nieces and a nephew who are my favourites. I simply can't hurt them like that so in a very real sense, they keep from giving in.
I empathize with you. I also get very depressed. You said you're taking a different drug now. I hope it works. I used to take Trivail before I started on Prozac. That helped although the side effects were feeling like I am walking around all day in a bubble, which made me feel self conscious.
If you need to talk, email me. You can reach me on my blog through the email.
The good news is: things change. Remember that when you're feeling really low.
Take Care.
Kim
Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I randomly came across this on the web, and I don't want to go in-depth like a damn autobiography, but I wanted to let you know I'm fourteen and I was suicidal. Am. Was. I don't know where I am now, it's hard to tell, but something like depression just doesn't go away like a headache with just a cure of a pill. It takes time, as awful as that sounds. And I know what you meant about "being scare" and "how much better it would be if I simply stopped living", but out of personal experience, it does absolutely nothing. Pardon my bluntness, but I attempted suicide, and if you ask myself and anyone who has tried to end their life, you will find that nearly all of them have regretted it. I really wanted to leave, just to get the hell away from myself, my head, and my inner problems. And it's not like I had a horrible life - I wasn't raped when I was five or sexually molested by my uncle or dying of famish. I was lucky for living in a nice home with people who loved me, and I was about to leave that all behind? Because I was feeling "the blues" and because I was just purely selfish? I'm just reminding you as well as myself that sometimes, you are not the only one on this earth, you are not the only person, ever, as lonely and empty you feel, there are others who will be waiting for you to get better. And I'm glad that fate, god, destiny, the-great-mighty-one, whatever you call it, didn't let me selfishly take my own life. I tried, and failed. But that is the one failure I am proud of.
And I'm not saying you should attempt to commit suicide, but it was a serious wake up call for me, a splash of cold water to the face, if you will. And I'm only fourteen, with a whole lot of living left to do, so if I can overcome this, so can you. Just remember that everything is TEMPORARY. So all of this, what you're going through, will have to end eventually. And if you keep it up, find something that can keep you busy, because I found that when I just sat home and pitied my life, it only made me feel worthless, which wasn't helping much. So find an activity! Play tennis, golf, bad-mitten, or if you're horrible at sports like me, take up a hobby like painting, writing, blogging, or even horse back riding (which is extremely therapeutic, by the way). Just anything to keep you feeling motivated and worthy of doing something. Hope you do well, and best of luck! :D
- Gaby
bbtyphoon,

Your comment is something I'll save for a long time. "Prolonged act of futility", what a phrase, and how right you are!

Just wanted to say thanks!