I seem to be sinking into another bout of depression. I've struggled for years to make peace with having depression; the idea being that if I accepted it I could find a way to manage it. But I'm not managing it. Oh there are times I feel great, in control and able to see all that is positive in my life but...now is not one of those times. Now I simply feel beaten down.
Medication, therapy, positive thoughts...none of it is working now. I'm low. Really low. And sinking. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of feeling tired. I want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out. I don't want to hear another voice. I don't want to smile and pretend everything's ok.
And I'm scared. Because it's at times like this that I think of how much better it would be if I simply stopped living. I wouldn't have to work so damn hard just to feel like a human being. I wouldn't have to cope with being with people and all the pretending..."I'm fine! I'm great! No complaints!". What else can I tell them? The truth? What could they do with the truth? Nothing. There's nothing they can do. I've battled the darkness all my life and I haven't yet figured out a way to defeat it so how could anyone else? This is my demon. I have to exorcise it.
I hate feeling this way. I really do. I work so hard to make positive changes, better choices, be more optimistic. You have no idea how hard I work at it. Yet, no matter how hard I try, my fucked-up brain always turns on me.
I really don't want to go into full-on woe is me mode but I guess that is inevitable when I'm in a depressed state. I don't feel like a nice, reasonable person. I feel like an apathetic, angry old cow. Yeah, yeah, I know that anger and apathy aren't exactly bedfellows but this is how I get when I'm depressed...angry at everything and everyone but too apathetic to actually do anything about it. There's a bitter humour in that.
So. What do I do now? What I always do, I guess. I stick it out. I try and try and try some more. And hope desperately that the good days will reappear sometime soon, so that I can once again look at the world in all its Technicolor glory.