The biggest obstacle in achieving speeds nearing that of light is mass. M= E<c is the equation for rendering mass irrelevant in regards to attaining speeds approaching the speed of light.

When one considers this as an abstract vision, one must first imagine that your own weight has been taken out of the equation and is expressed as energy. Even morbidly obese people could, in theory, be hurdled through space at light speed.

Although the obstacles to rendering mass irrelevant are myriad, there is hope. Humanity has proven quite adept at rendering seemingly relevant issues, irrelevant.

Case in point: Thought. Humans currently spend 96% of their waking hours bloviating benign babble (BBB syndrome), adding to the white noise smoke and mirrors confusion currently emanating from the synapse-free zone known as corporate media (See any of the 99.99% of the media currently owned by 5 people).

As evidence I offer the lack of silence. Since thinking is both silent and requires neurons to fire "thought" throughout the brain, the seemingly never ending incessant babble is the evidence needed to prove the Dire Thougtlessness Theory, first proposed by Sir Isaac Newton.

Conversely, spewing spurious spittoon-worthy drivel requires very little thought.

Worse, allowing dunderheads to tell you what to think about (ex: Lindsay Lohan's fire-crotch) requires almost zero synapses, thereby rendering thought nearly irrelevant.

This "near irrelevancy" is exactly what is required to achieve near light speed travel.

However, the Ever Increasing Idiocy Model has given rise to speculation among the scientific community that the movie Idiocracy will soon be considered a work of non-fiction and be labeled a documentary (peer review currently pending).

With roughly 10% of all humans to ever live currently sucking oxygen (that would be better served rusting my car), scientists are baffled by the absence of genius.

Currently there are almost 7 billion (more than any other time on Earth) chances that there would be an Einstein or Newton or Da Vinci alive today, yet we get bupkuss.   

Scientists hypothesize the lack of thought coupled with the infinite explosion of the greed factor has virtually eliminated the desire for humans to do work simply for the betterment of humanity. Which runs conversely to a specie's own survival instincts (this is one definition of insanity).  

Basically its Darwin's Theory of Evolution and Survival of the Fittest redefined. "Fittest" being redefined as: Most willing to bend over (sodomize) anyone in order to increase your personal gain (See: The Scrooge McDuck Effect: How To Ream Your Friends and Influence People or Orificial Gratification For Greedy Dummies).

Prospects for interplanetary light speed travel took a hit when esteemed German  astrophysicist, Dr. Getme T. Hefukoutofhere, stated:

It would be tantamount to injecting all life in the universe with the plague if these fucking waste of sexual activity (humans) ever figure out how to travel to other worlds.

(Exasperated pause)

It would be no less egregious crime against life itself, than a person knowingly infecting another with AIDS. The Virus Humanite' must remain quarantined in the petri dish that is Earth.


Next Week's Column: Time Travel: Why It Doesn't Matter Since Most People Have No Idea What's Going On In The Present