I've decided I want a beautiful, sweet, rich, intellectual philanthropist as my "match".

In return I'll provide: I'll provide~~~~~what the hell will I provide?

I'll pro-vi-

be right back.

(pregnant pause)

I like long walks into - I don't like long walks.

I enjoy stimulating conversation (Okay, if you start to bore me, I will bore you back. I am also quite capable of preemptive boring).

What the f*#k is with these sensitivity questions?

No, I have not witnessed an ashram. I don't cook endangered species.

God does not speak to me. Since we argued and HE owes me an apology.

Where are the questions about sex? Are these sites for eunuchs?

So, if you're my perfect match at least you'll know I'm relatively honest, since -

I bring little to the table. I count on my perfect match to keep me in the lavish lifestyle I'm unaccustomed to.

I drink socially. Meaning, if there's no one around when I'm drinking I invent imaginary friends.

I smoke. Drinking and smoking help ward off the evils of reality (of course this does not include my perfect match).

When drinking and smoking don't work I go to a doctor for drugs.

Religious views? Um, really? I'm spiritually mythical, like a sprite or gremlin or unicorn.

It's probably best to stop here. Ya' know, leave the audience wanting more.

Thank you eh-armony, match.com, et. al. for distilling humanity to a few questions.

Humanity can be so complex.

Please refer to my aforementioned demands (what I'm looking for) and disregard my faults when choosing my perfect mate.

I'll be sitting right here by my computer 24/7 awaiting your response... Since I also sit here 24/7 awaiting responses to my 1007 resumes.

This will show my ability to multi-task to prospective employers. Hopefully it will outway my lack of skills and teeth.

Dammit, tha's infuriating. The fathct I know I mithspelled "outweigh" and am too lazy to go back and fixth it fortheth wind through my missthing teeph.

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I'm still waiting.

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Seriously, I don't any anger issues.

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But, this is pissing me off.

Okay, I'll entice you with a video pic: