One year ago today was the official beginning of my new life.  I guess the unofficial beginning was the day I made the decision and the words were out of my mouth. But today, yes, today was the official beginning. 

November first was the day I moved out of my house and into an apartment. I moved out of my marriage of 16 years and into the beginning of my new life. I was so scared, but so excited.

It was very unsettling for me in those weeks prior. I remember the day I signed the lease. I was walking back to my car. It was a bright sunny autumn day. I'd just signed a one year lease on a beautiful apartment in a beautiful neighborhood. And I felt like a loser. I felt lost. Like a sub-standard human being. My shoulders slumped as I walked back to my car. I hoped no one would drive by that knew me. I sat in the car, humiliated.

At the same time though, I was excited to be leaving F behind. I was absolutely certain (still am), that I was doing the right thing. I had no regrets or insecurity about my decision. Well, I did feel like I'd "lost" a bit. By not making him move out. By him "keeping" the house. Everyone told me I would be a fool if I left and let him "have" the house. Worrying about how it would look to my children. Would they think I "left"? Would they feel abandoned? This was an inescapable thought that ate at me day in and day out. 

The separation itself was an agonizing decision.  Almost as agonizing was deciding if I would stay in the house or leave it behind. It was a difficult decision to make. One that I made eventually after much mental anguish. It took awhile for me to accept  the fact that I could not take care of a large house and 2 1/2 acres in the country. If anything needed repair, it would ruin me financially. The house was 25 years old. Things were wearing out.  I knew I would have absolutely NO money for anything more than paying bills. With the state of the country and the state of real estate, I knew I'd never be able to sell the house. Houses weren't selling in town  let alone 20 miles south of town. I was afraid to be beaten down by all the work the house already needed, all the maintenance. I felt like the house would smother me. Not to mention all those memories. Every corner of the house....

Part of me wanted a clean break. A fresh start. Just leave it all behind. I took very little from my house. Again, against the advice of friends and family. I was "that" woman, the one we all know, who just wanted "out". Willing to leave most behind in her desperation to get away. I knew I'd regret not taking more. Part of me wanted to be gone, but a much bigger part of me was worried about leaving a "hole" in the house that the boys would be living in half the time. A hole that would scream at them every day "mom left!". 

Knowing though, that I knew in my soul of souls that I was doing what needed to be done, I was able to move forward. As my heart broke at the changes in my life and the lives of my children,  the loss of a 21 year relationship, still, I pushed on. Knowing that my very soul would die if I stayed.  What good would I be to my children if that happened? Because if my soul died, I would also die.

November 1, 2008 was a beautiful, bright, sunny day. Two girlfriends and a hubby from my neighborhood helped me that day.  I kept looking around at my neighborhood as we packed the van. Knowing this was it. What weird feelings I had. It's hard to describe, but unsettled would be the best way to describe it I guess.

Suffice it to say, everything got moved. My friends left, and for a brief time I was alone in the apartment. I paced. Looked out windows. Waited for my mother to arrive. Paced a bit more. She brought me her famous vegetable beef soup and some other goodies, and oh how grateful was I for the presence of my mother! Her very aura is soothing and loving and comforting.  After visiting a bit, I went and got my boys from their dad, and brought them "home" with me.

As they ran up the steps into the living room, they were so excited and yelled, "this place is awesome!!!" and they ran from room to room checking everything out.

And I smiled.