JULY 24, 2010 12:11AM

My Heart is Breaking

Rate: 35 Flag

I'm divorced (apart almost two years now) and share custody with my ex. We have two boys, age 9 and 14.  My 9 year old called me sobbing about a half an hour ago, and wanted to come over to my place because he'd been grounded. I painstakingly drew the story out of him...which was hard to do because he was crying so hard.

But, A little background first: Yesterday his grandfather bought him an air soft rifle. This is a pellet gun with co2 cartridges for propulsion - or whatever you call it.  WHAT?!!? you say? That was my response as well, and then some. The ex and I discussed it and we both agreed of course that there are MANY rules that go along with this. (thanks Grandpa!!) This morning he called me at 8am, wanting to talk about his new gun. He admitted he was holding it on his lap, but the "safety" was on. I said "Where's dad?" and was told he was at work. I instantly called the ex to say "WHAT THE HELL????". It turns out he'd violated rule number 1. Do not touch the gun without an adult there. And I knew we had a problem on our hands.

So, my son tells me by phone,  as he's sobbing, that earlier in the evening, he had his gun out on the deck because he was going to shoot some cans. His older brother antagonized him by messing with the cans. Let me tell you, it doesn't take much to provoke the 9 year old. He's got a temper and a short fuse like I've never seen before. His brother knows that, but still continues to provoke him. Well, the 9 year old, in all of his 9 year old lack of emotional maturity, pointed the gun at the 14 year old and "threatened" him. 

 As you can imagine, brother told on him, and he was instantly sent to his room. He broke rule number 2: never, ever point a gun at anyone - EVER. 

 So now, his gun has been taken AWAY. Which is the only thing to do of course....

 So, as I'm discussing this with his dad, my older son sent me a text that said "Sam's crying uncontrollably because he wants his old life back where you and dad weren't divorced, not because of the gun thing". 

And my heart broke as I read that. And guilt floods over me. I'm sick. I'm shaking. 

 What have I done to my children? 

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the children, divorce, the children

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And my stomach is in knots....
j lynn
July 24, 2010 12:13 AM
I've been divorced for seven years, and I have a 13 year-old son and a nine year-old daughter. My son takes great delight in teasing and bothering his sister until she cries. I wish I had some brilliant words of advice for you.
RATED
littlewillie
July 24, 2010 12:31 AM
We all make choices that lead to consequences...some positive and some negative. We also make mistakes. It sounds like you will need to learn to live with your decision and the ramifications. Meanwhile, just keep talking with your boys, but most of all, listen to them. If they need help dealing with the adult decisions that they had no control over, make sure they get the help. The good news is that kids are pretty resilientl, so don't get too stressed about it.
I Love Life
July 24, 2010 12:42 AM
J- Change is so difficult for everyone, one thought, children know exactly how to push our buttons, your son is in trouble with one parent, so he says to the other exactly what will make her feel terrible and forget what he did, perhaps, perhaps not, just a thought from a parent whose children are grown. Take care.
rita shibr
July 24, 2010 12:52 AM
Shhhhh... deep breaths.
"What have I done to my children?"
I'm going to imagine you didn't say that... or post this.
What did you do? You conceived them and brought them into this world and loved them-- and will continue to. Not your fault... none of this. Ok?
tr ig
July 24, 2010 01:36 AM
Ohhh... it's a horrible feeling. I remember all the times I used to think the same thing. What have I done, what have I done. On a logical level, I knew I did the right thing. It's not healthy for kids to grow up in the middle of a bad relationship, so I solved it the only way I could. But still, the question is there. Thing is, we can't steer a speedboat out on the ocean if we're looking at the back of the boat. Hang in there, it will all work out okay. (you know that, of course!)
the ranting boomer
July 24, 2010 01:57 AM
I did not see that coming and have no words of wisdom to offer, just support.
cartouche
July 24, 2010 06:58 AM
I am so sorry, this must be so painful. But in the long run, it is better for your kids if you and your ex move on and are happy in your separate lives while co-parenting them. It sounds like you and your ex are trying to remain a united front when it comes to parenting and this is very important. This is a MAJOR accomplishment and give yourself credit for that as I am certain there are times it is very difficult to do. It is important your kids grieve so that they can transition to their new lives, so in some ways it is better that your son is expressing his feelings rather than keepig them bottled up. But I know that's small comfort right now. Hang in there.
Antoinette Errante
July 24, 2010 07:26 AM
Changes happen to everyone after a divorce. Not just the two people who sign the papers. It affects the children. The relatives. The family pet.
Children do not like changes. The want the past.
But now is the aftermath.
You did what you could. Don't blame every single thing that happens on the change. Understand and forgive. let yourself heal some more.
Cry if needed. Don't sweat the small stuff.
I am truly sorry for this pain. I just ended my marriage last year. My adult children are still healing from the changes. Sad for me too.
I hope you find peace today, if only for a moment.
Mission
July 24, 2010 07:45 AM
I guess you can tell I'm not a parent, because my first response would be to download some hurt and rage onto the child who sent the text. It was hurtful and unfair as only a 14-year-old can be. Please don't let your divorce be a weapon that your children can always use against you. You and your husband had your own, adult reasons for going your separate ways. And now you are doing the very best you can. Courage.
blue yonder
July 24, 2010 07:48 AM
That mother guilt is always there, right below the surface, isn't it? In this case, you really don't have anything to feel sorry or guilty about. You took the best course of action for your family. As a child of divorced parents, I can tell you that it's better to live in a peaceful home with one parent than one filled with fighting and tension and two parents.

Kids will push your buttons and they will try to make you hurt, especially if they are sad, hurt, or angry. This statement from your 9-yr-old is stemming from his sadness over losing the gun. He's just twisting it in his mind to make it Mom's fault since she's an easy target and will react. (Notice he didn't blame grandpa for giving him the gun in the first place? Or dad for taking it away? Or the older brother for tormenting him?)

Hang in there. You're doing fine, and your sons will be OK. Grandpa needs to be smacked upside the head, though!
Lisa Kern
July 24, 2010 08:46 AM
As much as it hurts like a bitch when they do this, it's all part of processing the sheer enormity of growing up. Lisa Kern pretty much nails it on a practical level, and your sweet brother completely rocks the emotional side.

Hang in there, Mom.
Linnnn
July 24, 2010 09:05 AM
I can relate to your whole post. Been there, still there. If you break down your actions, step by step, you will see you have done exactly the right things. Children act out to get it out. They will be fine, and you are/will be fine. R-
Dave Rickert
July 24, 2010 09:26 AM
First my heart goes out to you. I am some 30 years past the divorce from my children's father and there are still 'moments'. But I do understand now that these moments are less about me than about him who kept his children emotionally and physically blocked from him. I hate that I have had to carry the freight for this on and off for years. Getting past the guilt is a good first step as others have sagely pointed out. You did what you thought was best. Will you make mistakes? You bet! And what a teaching moment for your kids...that we will make mistakes, have to take the consequences for them and learn from them. Here's what I'd tell Little Guy:
Honey I am so sorry you are upset about the gun. But we thought you were mature enough to handle it and observe the rules and it is clear you are not there yet. Hopefully you'll get there one day but it is not this day.
Now, about our old life. I'm glad you remember it as being all wonderful and light but I can assure you it was not that way. It was a very hard decision to make because Dad and I did not begin thinking we would not grow old together. Change is difficult but breaking all kinds of rules whether with a air gun or anything else will reap consequences. It is a lot better, if not easier in the moment, to sit down and talk about things. It's okay to be sad about missing our old life. There are things that I miss about it too, and I get sad as well...but it doesn't last forever and the times get shorter and shorter as we adjust to the change.

I hope any of this helps.
Patie
July 24, 2010 09:40 AM
Your last sentence tells what your children know absolutely, that you will do what it takes to love, protect and FORGIVE them, that's why they contact you.

From what happened it looks like your young guys are "horribly normal" because they would have done the exact same thing if you were still married so you must be doing something right. They did naughty, they got caught and now they squirm and point fingers and the last finger pointed at the divorce.

I'm sorry you hurt for them but I'm glad to hear when they're in trouble they call you. The danger is when they feel they can't turn to their parents. You have a 14 year old turning to you! Good job mom, keep it up.
l'Heure Bleue
July 24, 2010 09:42 AM
It has to be enormously difficult co-parenting out of two households, and my heart goes out to you. We have a rule in our house that has always extended to visiting grandchildren, nieces and nephews: No guns of any type, even toy guns. We've had complaints about this but I stick by it. I hope you can bring some healing, comfort and sanity to this situation for your son's sake.
Kathy Riordan
July 24, 2010 10:07 AM
Stop the guilt. Kids know how to push your buttons. Yes, divorce is sad beyond belief, but there comes a point in life where you have to realize if it isn't working then get out. Life is too short to be miserable. Kids want their parents to be together, of course. Everyone wants a happy family. We don't always get what we want. That's life.

My son was a senior in high school when I left his father, then his father moved immediately to Asia. His sister moved to Africa and his older brother was also transferred to Asia. My son was livid that he was the one stuck with me. I dealt with his anger for over a year, but I never gave up. I knew I had done the right thing. Now he knows, too.

They do come to grips with it. It takes time and they need to work it out, so this too shall pass.
MiddleAgedWomanBlogging
July 24, 2010 10:38 AM
I agree with Lisa. The little one messed up, and now he's going to blame everyone but himself. The big one feels bad that his brother is upset, and he recognizes that he had a big part in it, and he's going to blame everyone but himself too. Kids do that. Kids of married parents do it just as often. Boys will be boys, push their boundaries, and then get really ticked off at the world when they're busted.

Sure, they're sad. Their world has changed. A huge part of growing up is learning to deal with that, and it breaks a parent's heart every single time, but you didn't do this to them. (For that, you can thank Grandpa.)
High Lonesome
July 24, 2010 10:41 AM
Kids of newly divorced parents spend a great deal of time holding the hope of their parents' reconciliation alive. And as others have said here, they are not above pulling out all the stops trying to use their antics to make it happen. If you accept the guilt trip, they see it and decide their tactic was effective and will use it again. If you don't accept the guilt trip, they move on to the next one.

There is nothing about divorce that is easy for anyone in the family. But it will work itself out over time, I promise.

Lezlie
L in the Southeast
July 24, 2010 10:51 AM
I'm sure it doesn't help to hear this, but I'm crying for you. Literally, this moment. I am so, so very sorry that heartbreaking text came in. I know kids don't understand what parents feel, otherwise he wouldn't have sent it, but now we have it in our lap and must deal with the pain. Please try to be strong. You divorced for good reasons, I'm sure, and everyone will eventually be happier without the division and pain a bad marriage brings. My heart is hugging you...
Outside Myself
July 24, 2010 10:59 AM
oh my gosh, I am familiar with that pain, but only from my elder son's point of view. ironically, he's 25 and still suffering the fall-out of my divorce. I can also empathize with the sting you may have undoubtedly felt from that verbal blow (truth?). there's no easy solution, but i hope time helps all of you.
bethybug
July 24, 2010 11:06 AM
Divorce sucks. That said, whatever the reasons that brought you to it were probably valid and overall you may feel better in your own life because of it. No one likes change especially children. I respect that about them, grounding them in sameness and routine helps them be stable. However, if chaos ruled and arguments substituted for communication, then what change you have wrought is best in the long run. You mention his anger issue and such. Maybe it might be good if you have not done so, to seek some counseling. In a way counseling for youth can help shape incidents in their lives in good perspective, give them tools to cope, alert you to larger issues which might need addressing and provide a sounding board that might not exist in the same way. Time also teaches us things about how children react. He is in trouble right now, so he might be pushing a few buttons, spreading some blame around for his own sense of justification of his lack of ability to respect the limits of his using and playing with the gun. Children are clever and can manipulate us beyond many boundaries, but it is in their best interest to maintain the boundaries. The guilt of the parents is easy fodder. The best solution is to be confident in your own decisions, maintain that confidence, keep communication open and work to help them understand that their behavior is their responsibility, they cannot deflect it on anyone else. A big lesson for children to learn, responsibility for their own choices, behavior. Kids with anger issues can practice acknowledging, processing and dispatching it. Yes, I am angry, because etc., I can talk about it, work with others to fix it, think about why I am so reactive and once I am calm dispatch it and further learn about myself and how to make that incident less important to me. Just a thought. R
SheilaTGTG55
July 24, 2010 11:06 AM
i was a kid of divorce and have been divorced and married two guys who were divorced with kids. the kid's doing what a lot of them do: diverting attention onto a person he KNOWS will feel badly so he doesn't have to (feel badly or acknowledge he did something really awful). think about what his life would have been like (and yours and his brother's) if you had stayed with that ::ahem:: lovely narcissist.

don't eat the guilt, jlynne. it's not good for you. or him, actually. xoxoxo
femme forte aka candace
July 24, 2010 12:06 PM
I am overwhelmed with the loving responses I've received to this post. I can not thank you all enough for your kind words of support, they mean so much to me!
Each of you have excellent points and advice and support. Truly, I'm amazed at the good people here.
I will try my best to respond to each individually. Unfortunately, I must approach the day and do my daily duties. But I'll be back.
I just adore you all.
j lynn
July 24, 2010 01:17 PM
I read this yesterday but didn't know what to say. I've been in your shoes and I can tell you that it does get better.

Someone told me that it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one. Remember that when you doubt your decision.
Major Mojo
July 24, 2010 01:30 PM
So what punishment was mete out to Grandpa and Dad: Grandpa for giving a nine year old a gun as a gift without getting permission from mom and dad, and Dad for not securing it away? I think they should be grounded for 2 weeks instead, but that' s just me.

And what everyone else said.

I imagine motherhood is just a string of heartbreaking moments which, once healed over, create an ever stronger heart.
Eff Muppet
July 24, 2010 01:56 PM
j lynne. This is a worrisome story.

I had a .22 caliber rifle when I was 8 years old. I knew the power of weapons, so I've always respected the things and the harm they could cause. I never used it to hurt living things (but I lost count of how many new cars on trains passing my hiding place in the woods were murdered :-)

But divorce is a stranger to me, thankfully. I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but coming from me, that would be pure nonsense, so instead, I'll simply say that your love for your children can defeat the dark places they encounter. Kids are resilient and they'll get through this.
Boomer Bob
July 25, 2010 11:19 AM
What you did is bring beautiful children into the world. What you've also done is teach them that sometimes we have to make hard decisions to save the lives of all involved. You did that for them. They'll understand that someday, and love you for it. Forgive yourself, and...everyone else involved if you can. And love yourself, too.

You visited my blog this morning so you know it can be done. But OH, the first few years, even for us, were bizarre, too. Take heart from what you read...and try not to kick yourself this way.

Really thinking of you, now that I've read this...
Keka
July 25, 2010 12:16 PM
You may have just saved them from a plethora of mommy/daddy fights that would have affected the way they view you, your ex, and marriage. You did the right thing - the BRAVE thing.

That's what you did.
D Art
July 27, 2010 01:52 PM
children heal...they are made out of plastic daily
gotta get to them early in the day and form them...
if you can't, you will be thought of without any reverance
for your motherhood,your fatherhood, etc...it is presence

that matters...and you can get that...if only telephonically...
presence is what none of us know,
all of us yearn,
and never got: it can be one damn word...

the gun? dont worry...he made his statement
and now will listen eagerly for his parents' presence on this mess...
Way2 Black
August 31, 2010 10:35 PM
I know that must have been hard to share, but I appreciate it. As a new mother I ask myself so many questions about right and wrong and how. I wish I knew the answers. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone.
M L
September 01, 2010 01:27 AM
Oh, my! It is all a mess for quite sometime. But kids are elastic and will grow through it. My boys did and are happy adults now. I had many nights with similar thoughts that you have been having. It is going to be okay. Fight off the guilt. The little guy got emotional after a trauma. Not that big a deal. Young boys live in the now and in a couple of days will be into something else.
Dr. Spudman44
September 11, 2010 05:52 PM
It is tough on kids...no doubt about it,..and not easy on adults either.
I hope all works out well.
J D Smith
September 11, 2010 05:54 PM
I'm sorry. It seems the guilt just goes on and on. But one day I finally got that divorcing the dad meant giving the kids more of ME without all the BS. Hang tight, you'll be okay.
mypsyche
October 11, 2010 09:47 PM