Yesterday evening, I accidentally attended mass. I really wish I hadn't.

My friend and I were in beautiful Montreal for the weekend, clubing, bar hopping, eating, and, in my case, attempting to speak in French, an endeavor at which I failed miserably. We ended up in Old Montreal, where we decided to step inside St. Patrick's Cathedral. Even though they make me feel awkward-- are non-Catholics supposed to put that drop of water on their forehead? are my heels making too much noise while people pray? is everyone judging me?--I appreciate their beauty. My gay friend (I'll call him Tom), who was raised a Catholic, always gets emotional and nostaligic about this sort of thing, so I left him alone to wander off by himself while I took a seat and started reading a book of songs.  More and more people started walking in, and then all of a sudden, a female voice from the front of the church boomed, "Please stand for mass." Then the priest came on stage. 

Oh, shit, I thought. Where the hell is Tom?

I had no desire to stay. First of all, I'm an atheist.  Pretending to pray alongside true believers, whenever I have to (e.g. for funeral services), always makes me feel like an imposter. Who am I to enter these people's space and go through the actions they take so seriously? It feels fake-- it is fake-- and it feels wrong. Second, I have a lot of problems with the Church. By sitting there and taking part in its services, aren't I being complicit in its misogyny and homophobia?  

I wanted to go, but I didn't know where my friend was. Just then, I looked to the front of the church and saw his back. He was staying.  

Slightly annoyed, I stood up and bowed my head with the rest of the worshippers as the priest said a little prayer.  He knows I'm not religious. Why is he making me stay? This is going to be so boring.  I was overheated. I felt out of place. I didn't know the words to the response to the prayer.

But my mood brightened when the organ started playing and the woman who had announced mass told us to open our books to page 120. She began to sing Responsorial Psalm 95*. I was struck, as I always am in church (the few times I've been in recent years), with the beauty of the song. "If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart," go the lyrics. Harden not your heart.  A few hours of church won't kill you. Be open-minded.  How can you claim to be tolerant when you can't even listen to other perspectives? 

So I tip-toed to a better seat. I took off my coat. I bowed my head in submission. I was going to do this.  Everything was fine and dandy until the priest said, "It is a sick society that allows"-- what? the super-rich to control elections? corporations to be considered people?**-- "the destruction of life in the womb."

Fuck. This is so my luck. The one time I go to church, he has to bring up abortion, of all things. Just grin and bear it, Jacqueline. Be respectful.

My mind reeled as he talked about other things. Why am I here? I don't believe in this shit. I could be doing something else.  

 "Some people say, 'The Church is too old-fashioned? When will it 'get with the program?' so to speak? Well my answer is, it won't," said the priest. "'When will the Church accept marriage as being more than between a man and a woman?' Never."

Just grin and bear it, Jacqueline. 

"'When will the Church accept unnatural forms of contraception?' Never." 

That was too much for me. As I stood up to leave, I saw Tom, many rows ahead, stand up as well. When we got outside, he said, "This reminded me why I stopped going to church. I'm not going to listen to hate speech."

"I honestly don't know if saying you're against gay marriage is hate speech, but the 'unnatural contraception' thing did it for me."

"Well, we both come at it from different perspectives. You're a woman. Obviously that bothers you more."

"Why did you make us stay in the first place? I knew it was a bad idea."

"Because you don't walk out when mass starts. You just don't. I felt weird about leaving, but I had to."

I felt bad for my friend. This is someone who really believes in God, believes in Jesus Christ. He's invested in religion in a way I'm not, and probably will never be.  

So that concludes my latest experience at church. Nothing I've just said is particularly groundbreaking, but it was just too perfect not to write about. Note to self: Never be dragged in to attending mass again. 

*The woman in this video isn't her, obviously, but it's a pretty close version.  

**I realize corporations don't have personhood in Canada, but that was my immediate response as an American.