I just spent 15 minutes looking at beautiful images of your country. In hi-def.

 

Millions of women and many of their boyfriends and husbands (who would rather be watching sports) sat tonight in front of the television and said, "oh, how I'd love to go to Turkey." This includes my girlfriend and her sister who sat next to me and couldn't stop saying it. "Let's go to Turkey on our next vacation!" many of them will say tomorrow. "I'd like a ticket to Turkey," many will communicate to their Expedia accounts in the coming weeks. "Here's a thousand bucks, Turkish Airlines."

"The Bachelorette" took its group of strange men fighting for a sweet n smiley blonde girl to Istanbul in this week's episode, set to a dazzling background show of color, light, touristic wonders and lively sounds. Your economy will, I am willing to bet, profit in the coming year from an extra boost of tourism simply because millions of Americans watched a silly show in which beautiful footage of the eastern bull was positively featured. 

  

(And eastern bull it is, for lately the government of this well kebabbed, colorful nation has begun signaling to the world a strange code, which seems to go something like this:

WE - ARE - (static) - GOING - TO (static) - (static) - FORGET - ABOUT - ALL - THIS - GODLESSNESS - (static) - WE - ARE - A - MUSLIM - NATION - THE - REVOLUTION - IS - COMETH.

Because the great nation which once welcomed the Orient Express in all its Victorian glory cannot help it. And it's a shame, because Turkish girls are hot and it will be a great shame for their government to ban skinny jeans and low cut tops.) 

Ah, Turkey. You've done so well for so long. After the decline of your emperors you turned to secular, seemingly sane governance (from the limited viewpoint of an outsider) but the fecal matter that is religion has begun creeping its way back into the veins of leadership.

THE - REVOLUTION - IS - COMETH (static)

The nation which until recently was making a strong case for EU entry, which conducted military exercises with its Zionist Aggressor two doors down neighbor, which managed to be one of the few countries in the world tourists go to in order to see a huge mosque instead of a huge church - can no longer help itself. You are ready to shit your pants. But not in fear. In - self expression. 

It begins by doing nuclear business with your new bff, Iran. And we all know what happens when your new bff is the bad girl in school. You start missing class, doing drugs, and taking boat rides through international blockades. You begin hating on the ugly girl with the big nose. In fact, you stop playing with her. You take your ambassador out of her room. You tell her "you can't fly over my house anymore." You become a bitch. And then you end up learning a valuable lesson. 

You learn that in the end, the ugly girl ends up making more money than you because she's spending more time in science class than mosque club. You learn that the people you really want love from are not the ones who do drugs and threaten the uncool kids, but the ones who watch The Bachelorette. The ones who really liked you before you became such a bitch because you were SO pretty, and wanted to come visit your country, spend their money there, eat your food, see how you live. 

But nobody  wants to go to a country that's going through an Islamic Revolution. 

You don't see The Bachelorette going to Iran to film an episode. You don't see a sting of tourism flocking to Teheran to better the its economy by making all the Americans say "Oh, it's SO beautiful, let's go there on our next vacation!" 

 

Don't be idiots. Topple your government.