My day was  productive.

I did “Good” in the world,

and was rewarded---if you believe in karma (I do)----

by warmth and

 enjoyment-of –company

by the person who maybe knows me best.

She made me laugh out  a lot of guilt

 and sin and shame and guilt.

After her comment,

which was brilliant as always, I understood things better.…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………It is difficult to develop the context for the comment.

 It has to do with my big sister.

 She thought I was “manic” a few days ago when i went up to visit her,

when I was just being me.

 She said, “I liked you better yesterday.” ...when I was quiet

 and docile and in

 confusion.

When I was how I always was, growing up.

 ...................................................................

see,

Mom used to call big sis when I got out of control,

 staying up all night, reading , thinking, writing, living on coffee, stumbling around our suburban house at 2 am wanting to watch cnn.

Shit like that.

Mom needed her sleep.

She slept poorly the last few years of her life, worrying what would ever become of me, her precious jimmy, her late child (at 40, after 3 miscarriages), her compliant companion in sitting around the house waiting for ….something to happen….……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..What well, what happened is occasionally I’d get manic---

i.e. associational, brain on fire,

seeing the cosmos clearly for a split second,

needing to communicate it, and no way on earth to …

and getting delusional from isolation

---And mom would call big sis, a social worker, who would come down and get me “the help I needed”.

 And then go home to her own life.

Mom and sis had issues.

 Sis loved, and still loves me, from afar.

She comes down to CT when I am in trouble.

alas, often she made the trouble worse.....

she is social worker extrodinaire, a beauty of the soul, but...

 Her clients are all in trouble, and she gets them help.

The help I needed was different,

and this person I speak of, who made the joke,

 was the one who helped me in the hardest time of my life,

when mom, then dad, died

when sisters were sistermothers....

………………………………………….

.She was remarkably sane.

My friend.

I wasn’t.

There were issues between us, but they are all in the past, I hope.…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….I so sis called me manic and i ignored sis when she said she liked me better depressed and anxious.I did what I wanted to do, which was talk to other people with things to say I needed to hear.

Sis apologized.I forgave her.……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..I I told another dear friend today, “we bipolars do not have a disease.”

“no, it’s chemical”

“well, yeah, but it is a gift.”

She agreed.……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………I shall soon write a post which shows jesus Christ to be a bipolar. Stay tuned.………………………………………………………………………………………………………………but...this is about my beautiful hard working creative friend

 I met with today,and her joke  

..Which is the best joke I have heard in many moons…

(thank u, dear woman..)

…………………………………………………………….

Ok, the joke…

(S=big sis)

I told my friend who knows me best my hurt, and she laughed and said, “Well, what is S. gonna do? Call herself to come help u?” 

Brilliant.……………………………………………………………………………

.Ah, mental illness …quite a cross to bear sometimes….other times we feel and think and

be

better than anyone,

but

briefly.

the brevity is the key. it can be destroyed by shame.

from careless helpful words, alal..

 Up and down is the thing to remember if u got a mentally ill, or gifted, person, in your life or care.Up and down. Thank you, friend, for bringing me up.