The peddlar now speaks to the countess who's

pretended to care for him  

sayin 'name me someone who aint a parasite

& i'll go out and say a prayer for him"

DYLAN , 'VISIONS OF JOHANNA'

Being ‘disabled’, according to the Federal Government, my finances must be in someone else’s control. A ‘representative payee’ . My big sister L. She gets the SSI checks, deposits them, gives me rent money for my little boarding house room every week, plus a little extra. “Pocket money,” Dad used to call it.

  You would think this is rather a humiliating position to be in; a 44 year old man under the care of his 63 year old sister. But that would be missing the nuances of the situation.  See, I don’t have to do all the goddamn paperwork . I see her as my secretary,sort of.  A gentleman  needs a secretary to handle his affairs, yes?

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There is also the emotional satisfaction of giving my sister the somewhat illusory (not entirely, though) sense of protecting & caring for me. For she is childless.

 All she has ever had to pour her love unconditionally upon is a series of dogs.

 Georgie, my black lab nephew, 9 months old now, is her latest ‘good boy’. But he is a maniac. If he sees you approaching, he launches himself up against your chest in order to give you 15  kisses, on the face.  An uncontrollable canine avatar of unconditional love. Also a ravenously hungry beast, who ‘aint too proud to beg’, let us put it that way…..

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  Then the big game I play on her. I am almost ashamed to admit it, for it deals with issues of which I probably have little understanding. Mother – Daughter stuff.

  L. was at Mom’s bedside the night she slipped out of that restrictive coma she was trapped in, due to liver failure. Gently relocating to the All. L. whispered a promise in her ear: “I will always take care of Jimmy, don’t worry, Mom”

  This is serious shit. What is a good brother’s responsibility to such a thing as this? Play helpless, like I admit I do sometimes, as a survival strategy? Or blossom into someone , uh, worthy of managing his own affairs? Or a mixture of both? I want exactly the right mask, the right role, here…

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Addendum, from Georgie Puppy:

“uncle james is my alpha male always because he knows best how to manipulate things to his advantage, which is what I am trying to figure out with momma.  She has a new thing now. A personal dog-trainer who makes house calls. Whose mission is to ‘teach me manners’. This human etiquette is way too confusing for me at times, so I often slip up and have to be told ‘bad dog’ and get screamed at hysterically by momma , which, I gotta say,is kinda fun. Cuz she is paying attention to me.

I don’t want to be a run of the (puppy-) mill pet. I wanna be momma’s boy. I want her to love me and pet me and let me give her 15 kisses when the mood strikes me.

Uncle james is coming for a babysitting gig next weekend when Momma goes off with that new male, who sniffed out  ‘clean’ to me, so I like him, but not as much as uncle. We are gonna rock n roll!”