Oh, I remember Valentine’s Day from my childhood so well... Mom would give me a bag full of snicker’s bars and milky ways, and of course Hershey’s kisses. Her caveat was: I had to share with her. This was the only time of the year, besides Halloween, that she indulged in chocolate.
Unfortunately, she is now dead. Has been for awhile. I don’t mind that too much, she was clingy. Since her demise, she has become easier to handle. Only a faraway voice in my head, now, Mom.
Except on Valentine’s Day. (And her birthday, too, of course..)
She comes booming at me every February 14th, because when she was alive she patterned my brain -neurons to create a space for her on this momentous day. Mom was always my Valentine, because no other girl wanted the role. Except my sisters of course. But what good is that? Yuck.
This morning she was up earlier than me. I had been dreaming about her all night (she has that much influence!) and wanted to talk.
“You don’t like candy much anymore, do you, James Mark?” she said as I sat on the edge of the bed and had the first smoke of the morning, wishing I wasn’t so f-ing lazy that I didn’t have the coffee ready to go.
“Nope. Chocolate is bad for you, someone said, “ I responded,lurching to the coffee maker. I grabbed the pot and filled it with water. 8 cups worth, plus of course the brown powder in the detachable thingy.
“Happy Valentine’s day, dear boy, “ she snarked.
“Thank you mom, same to you.” A bit of coffee was ready, so I poured it into my mug and sipped. I lit another cigarette & turned on the news.Syria was going downhill fast. Obama, whom Mom would have described as "one of the good Blacks", and no doubt had a crush on, had submitted a budget.
“Do you have anyone special today ?” she teased.
“Only you, mommy. You are always my girl,” I said.
“Shush , don’t say that. Don’t be facetious.” Ha. I pissed her off. She was worried about my over-attachment to her, I think, so she tried to be undesirable, not as if I would ever be that kind of boy..
With coffee & nicotine up in my brain cells, I was able to tackle her with tact and a tentative lovingkindness. She has to be 'handled'. With somewhat savage solicitude. Undermined by dear love, of course. That is unsaid. It is always unsaid, Love, in our family.
“How is your day, Mom? Did dad do anything special for you?” Ha. After years of telling me she & Dad wanted to be cremated & spread to the wind, I overruled her and stuck her in Dad’s grave, in a beautiful blue urn. They make you buy two holes, the cemetery, if you have two dead people to bury, so now there is an extra hole for me, waiting. I shall spend eternity with mom and dad. This gives me absolutely no comfort, because why the hell would I care what happens to my body once it is done functioning?
Mom was still pissed at me, though. She would have her revenge. She’d always said that once she died, she’d come back to haunt me…that wasn’t bullshit.
“Your father is as unromantic as ever. Damn him. He'll send me a card, as usual. We are not speaking recently, and this card wil just show he doesn’t, and never did, care about me. I was just a ‘haus-frau’, a house wife , to him. Damn German.”
“What did the card last year say?”
“Same thing he’s been writing since 1940. ‘Love forever, George’. The card was one his new friend helped him pick out. You know your father. Always schmoozing. All his old pally-boys are here, in the boneyard, so he goes out and talks with them all day. It was a dumb religious card. Your goddamn, excuse my language, is about as religious as an Aztec. Damn German. I never shoulda married him, my mother warned me ‘never marry a German’ . He is such a damn fool.” Mom was in her usual Anti-Dad mood, something we would share when she was alive. I had my own issues with Dad. He was too taciturn for my taste when he was on Earth.
(Don’t tell mom, but Dad & I finally can now converse intelligently…we speak every night before ‘supper’. He is a boy scout, a square Daddy Oh from way back, but, hey, that’s my Pop.)
“Mom, I have to go out now, so I shall say goodbye, and Happy Valentine’s day. Has Dad sent you anything yet?” I was dressed and off on a mission to buy some canned chili, on sale at the local Save A lot.
“No, not yet. Usually around supper time. “supper’! Stupid man, it is called ‘dinner’!”
“ok mom. Thanks for the good wishes. I gotta go.”
“Have your sisters called you? “
“Yep, L. did.”
“She is such a good girl. How is she?”
“In love.”
“Really?......”
“Oh yeah. Big time. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow, mom, ok?”
“Alright. But remember what I told you, even though you think you know everything…you need a ‘down to earth ‘ girl. Not a modern girl..” She was fading out…
“Ok mom, love ya..”
“Love you, James Mark..oh, this father of yours.”
Silence.
Good old Mom.
............................................
Later, as i was considering which chili to buy..
"James?"
"Now what?"
"Well, since when did you like chili?"
"Yesterday, 2 p.m. What do you want?"
"You havent told your little friends on the computer about me, have you?"
"Mom, cmon. What do you think? Of course not! Now go away."
"Alright. Oh, this father of yours, i love him dearly, but..."
"Ok, ok."
"Goodbye. Is your room warm enough?"
"Yes. Bye."
......................................
Only trace of Mom on internet (do NOT tell her:)
Eleanor Emmerling (1927 - 2004)
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Eleanor Emmerling
Name
Eleanor Emmerling
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Born
March 3, 1927
Died
September 21, 2004 (77 years old)
Last Known
Residence
Manchester, Hartford County, CT (Connecticut), 06040
Social Security Death Record
SSN
014-XX-1818 [ ? ]
The death certificate has been observed and verified.
We've found 7 records of Eleanor Emmerling
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Eleanor Emmerling family history & genealogy
Eleanor Emmerling (1927 - 2004) was a member of the Emmerling family. Eleanor was born on March 3, 1927. Eleanor died on September 21, 2004 at 77 years old.
Eleanor Emmerling's last known residence is at Manchester, Hartford County, CT (Connecticut), 06040.
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Comments
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cardboard heart-shaped V.D. boxes and`
`
a promise ...
all half-ate`
candies get`
given back`
so-I-eat`
the-grub. . .
`
if driving `
erratic @ `
V.D.'s Day`
`
tell cop that`
`
stops Ya dizzy`
Ya not a` sops`
Ya's no a editor`
Ya jest a appear`
a winebibber @ `
a Open-Salon @`
a Flunk-Sops @`
a soup--Slop @`
a hoes-Slops @`
a flop-flops @`
slops-slops @`
`
Ay, forget it . . .
`
a groom
struggling to call his-in-laws
Dick
`
huh . . .
`
go away?
ay,okay.
ay, smile.
that is all important.
scanner: well yeah, duh, we all want our mother.
but only younger & sexier, right?
I fear.
“I said: "Baseball is the hurrah game of the republic!"
He(walt) was hilarious: "That's beautiful: the hurrah game! well —
it's our game: that's the chief fact in connection with it:
America's game: has the snap, go fling, of the American atmosphere —
belongs as much to our institutions,
fits into them as significantly, as our constitutions, laws:
is just as important in the sum total of our historic life."
Conversation with Whitman
………………………………
if Copper stops me driving , I say, hey, what about that team?
(cop a good baseball fan)
He says, u a fan of the Team?
I say, out the side of my face, “oh my daddy and I spent
countless precious childhood memories
rooting for the team!!”.
Ah, a team player, is what copper will see.
I will proceed on my way uninhibited by Long Arm of Law.
Ya....I get that so much. I miss my mom and she IS so much easier to handle now. I don't have a holiday that I can channel her. She's just kind of here, in my pocket so to speak. I wish she were alive. But I remember how hard she made it, for herself, for us .
Happy Valentines Day James Mark! **
Solid advice.
Don't know where you would find one.
Post modern, yes.
Moms are quite amenable once their souls have passed.
They tend to support you more than they did
when, in life,
they worried their asses off about you.
xo & happy v day.
raw clay of a modern girl.
She will reciprocate,
once she is Risen,
and make you
a Man.
This is the myth i live by...................................
Some universal truths here James. Probably nothing grosser as a small boy than a Valentine to/from your sister. Egads and double yuck.
Mrs. sent me a text mail this a.m. : "I'm going to Skype ur mom tonight". She meant to send it to her niece about Skyping niece's mom. I texted back that mom might like a handmade card better.
Last time I saw Mom was two years ago today. Moved her into her new little apartment without all the hoarded nonsense of her life where she lived happily ever after for her last thirty days.
So we both heard our mom's voices first this morning.
Being a mom, I can feel the love that just pours out of me. Its hard to contain it. Its neat that your realized your mom tried to tame her love of you.
The Dad issue you have is a lot like mine. But, he can tell a good story its just such work to get him talking!
There is a sweetness when yr mom & sisters recognize u this day.
They maybe kinda loveless themselves.
Maybe they need an outet?
Candy for jimmy =ok by me…
SARAH..it build, hm? Well I am happy to hear this, that I build.
Thank u.
JL: Mom would find fault in a lot of it, but she would ascribe it to
My unique nature, which she had a hand it. she might be proud, but never
Outwardly..
my mom knew how to love. yet she was needy. Needed me. This meant
I had the advantage. Ha. I let her have it…fair is fair!!!
The Dad issue you have is a lot like mine. But, he can tell a good story its just such work to get him talking!
Thanks for FB
so is substitued doris day.
we bantered like brother
and sister, in the
later days. thanx
Did she not get on your nerves?
You managed to go for your chili.
Oh,by the way:I would feel more comfortable to have a spot of my own on the graveyard.
On 2nd thought:Who cares when we are gone?I certainly don't.
Do you?No,you don't,...you said so.
-R-
“How could you!!?” she said.
“Why not?” I was blithe.
“This is not how a son honors his mother, u know better!” she was “livid’ as she liked to describe herself.
‘’ I do what I want, mom. “
“you! You and your generation, all u care about is the sex sex . The innuendos. I feel sorry for you, young man, and I am disappointed.”
“Blah. So what.”
“Well…but..what about a better description of your goddamned german father? Why is it always THE MOTHER to blame? What about him? Put a real picture of him up. He was no rock, lemme tell u”
“What do I care about reality, mom? I spin it.”
“That is your ‘problems’, your ‘bipolar’ talking…”
“well,, you are in a good light with these down to earth postmodern gals, don’t worry…I wouldn’t do anything to smear you. “
“these girls? Well..they seem ok…some a bit forward…but you like that..these women? Don’t they have children?”
“ 67 percent of em do. The other put em up for adoption.”
“Fascetious, you. Well, I will go haunt these females of yours. Also some of these men. I am totally at a loss understanding them.”
‘’ hm.’
“what? What do you mean?”
“you got a crush on one of em…”
“I do not! Well, I haven’t made up my mind about them. Or men.or you. “
“ok. Email me when ya got an opinion.”
“I hate email”
“Well then just whisper..email would be easier, mom”
“I shall try. Oh, you. Young man. What happened to you? How did you become such a lunatic, was it your father’s influence?”
/////////////////////////
Dad, saying “ say ‘yes’, jimbo . shut her yap’
“yes, mom”
“stupid dirty german..ok honey, I still love you.”
“me too, bye ma”
//////////////////////////////
Dad: “acchh, what is her problem now? She barely speaks to me anymore, we in the same hole forever.”
“Dad, be nice to her.”
“I am always nice! I give her compliments every day. “
“about what? She is in an urn!”
“Oh, such a pretty one, just like her blue eyes.. oh, my el…did I tell you how we met?”
“six billion times”
“sorry. Oh I will go. Gotta go see the old mayor, McGee. We were friends once. He’s ten feet away.”
“do whatcha gotta do, dad”
“OK, just tell me how yer mother is doing..”
“K”
regarding after death stuff, who could possibly care? Buried, scattered,
shot into synchronous earth orbit?
Or mummified?
Or , my choice, dissolved in hydrochloric acid?
Flesh is a flash in the pan.
Soul is mighty, and immortal.
regarding after death stuff, who could possibly care? Buried, scattered,
shot into synchronous earth orbit?
Or mummified?
Or , my choice, dissolved in hydrochloric acid?
Flesh is a flash in the pan.
Soul is mighty, and immortal.
R
VICTORIA: We must treasure our moms whilst we still got them. We must continue to seek their love and wisdom even after they are in the dirt.
ASH: THANKS! Hope your V-Day was A-ok!
you are enchanting top to bottom!
just 4 u;
ANOTHER CONVERSATION WITH MOM;
mom: "well look at all these women on your,what is it, site?"
me: "so? ..dont you dare call em 'little friends'. they are full blooded wimminz"
mom: "women. why do you say wimminz?"
me: "for the flying fuck of it"
Mom: "stop that. why does YOUR GENERATION seem to need to be obscene? Can you tell me that?"
me: "yep"
pause
mom: "well? "
me: "i am thinking on it ..it is a tough issue..like all the issues we speak of..for that, mom, i love you..you gave me your brain"
mom: "well, arent you sweet..thank you..just dont smirk when u say it..do you mean it? did i do well by you? that damn GERMAN father of yours was a bad influence.."
me:"stop that nonsense. Dad was a great guy. kind, gentle, a bit Foreign, European, but....mom.........wasnt that his appeal?"
mom: "yes, it was. his father was a gentle man. he was a..oh he could fake it..but..oh..(boo hoo)
(me tending to mom in tears...for the ten thousandth time)
keri.
i shall get to work on the screenplay, with eleanor's help.
she always said , "oh writing is a hobby. get a real job"
thisll show her!
big time Hollywood writer.
idea:
boy loses mom. boy very attached to her, sort of,
but kinda..not..kinda like a sister, she was..
boy told "gonna haunt ya"
& it is true.
she & boy go through adventures, especially romantic (pg13)
& hard core sexual ones (R)
talking, tradiing ideas.
boy learns what it was to be born a woman in the beginning
of the 20th century..
mom, sister, learns what love is. or sex at least. hm.
He shall be played by James Franco or Johnny Depp because we need an actor who can be comfortable in traditional mindset, in a mindset altered by a few substancees and a mindset just on the other side - a guy who would have conversations with his dead mother and not think that was a problem.
being in love syndrome
this Valentine's Day
I can't seem to get my Mother to talk to me
She died in 1999
while other loves of mine
have risen into speaking to me
she remains silent
Her love for you is evident
all the concern about your well being
worrying if you have spoken to your sisters
and are staying warm
tried clicking the link her picture
but it was not there
My dear husband is in the ground in an urn
there is a place for me right there
for my urn in the same ground
a beautiful spot next to a lake
living life by a lake
and eternity
my non-dead ex husband
never speaks to me in life anymore
and I am thankful for that
I hope he doesn't bug me
if he should happen to pass to the other side
I only want to hear from the ones who love me
I am sensitive to criticism
especially from the dead
rated with love