As the affirmed AntiPope, my first act, once the ceremony was over (a nice meal at Red Lobster then retiring briefly to the conference room me & my cardinals rented for the formality & anointment) ,  I say, “contraception is a-ok”. I will write an encyclical on it when I get the time. I’m busy out among the sheep. That is where a Pope, Anti-or not, belongs, not in a bubble car, for chrissakes.

   I told the local population around the Red Lobster that I was now their official anti pope. Most took it with indifference, from ignorance of history, no doubt  (“what the fuck man, good luck..); some were a little alarmed that they had to shift allegiance to me, and questioned me theologically. I passed with flying colors and a handshake, and anyone who needed a smoke, I gave one. A tiny minority were not having any of it, so I had to convert their sorry asses.

  Example: me and my boys (and gals…I allow ladies in my college of cardinals) were smoking and bullshitting at a bus stop (to take us back to our motel) in the vicinity of a St. Someone-or-Other Catholic Church, when Mass ended and the nice well dressed people came out.

  Cardinal Wendy said I should go do some work on their heads. She is a  firecracker, that gal.  On the pill, but considering a diaphragm. We are researching which one is best.  She & Cardinal Fred are deeply in love and considering marriage , which I advise them them : “whatever.’’

  A 70ish year old woman dressed to the nines asked me for a smoke, with a shy smile. I gave her one.

  “How was mass today?” I asked

“Inspiring. There was a good share of Latin in it, which I appreciate.” She sized me up. “Why would you possibly care, anyway, young man? Nice hat, by the way.”

 ‘Well, I have been appointed-annointed, all legal-like, the Anti pope, ‘’ I said grandly. We inhaled.

  “ That is kind of blasphemous and just damn foolish. What are you, a performance artist? Or on some reality tv show? “ she was grinning but obviously her ire was up.

  “Nope. Just an election by my cardinals.’’ I smiled . She melted a bit. I have a lovely smile.

  ‘Well, you are certainly a strange one. Do you know your Bible?”

  “Better than you!”

  “There is no doubt of that, ha. But I mean, do you understand God’s will?”

  ‘’I couldn’t help but, my dear! After all, I have been in study for forty years!”

  “Where is that ,” she scoffed. She took a petite step away from me, to get a good size up of me. And the boys in the background, writing down what I said.

  “In my head.”

  “And your head is , what, equivalent to a seminary? “

  “Most days.”

  “well then. Hm. What about this contraception thing Father Thomas was going on and on about? “

  “in latin?”

 “Haw. Might as well have been..no..I am adamant about it.  Too many children as it is, I say. What do you?”

  “Far too many, but more on the way if your Church is triumphant in this political battle brewing against our president.”

  “is he your president? As, ah ..antipope?”

 “Of course. Render unto Caeser , right?”

  “Wasn’t that about taxes?”

  “Sure but you get the drift. It’s a metaphor.’

  “Ok. Ok. Young man, I have seen a lot in my life. I have this Church to go to try to make me sane again. It has never let me down. “

  “Never?”

“Well..listen, we must teach that marriage is sacred, musnt we ? That premarital shenanigans are not good?”

  “What’s wrong with them, exactly?”

 “they are done outside the holy bond. That is my opinion.”

 “Did you stray outside the bond, either before, or after, the bond was glued?”

  “Ah..well..yes..but..before. And I paid dearly for it, let me tell you…” she was afflicted with a memory. Memories of past hurt is what makes you close-minded, I have found. Some act from the past that is long long gone yet still present in your conscience, which, alas, defines itself by your supposed transgressions.  The mistakes are the seeds of the crystal of conscience. I explained a ll this to her, in studious terms.

  “You may be right, but it doesn’t help much’

‘’I know.”

“Where life begins, is the question, right?” she bummed another smoke.

 “Many answers to that”

“You as antipope must know, certainly…?”

“Not exactly. But I gotta think it is when sperm meets egg, at the very very minimum”

 “mmm..ok.”

  “There are 15 billion trillion shortlived sperm looking to grab that one egg. What if we put up a sign that said, ‘the lady prefers not to be bothered at the moment’?”

  “That is only respectful of the lady’s wish, I suppose..”

  ‘Indeed. Anyway, I gotta go. Good to meet you, Martha my dear.”

  “You too.  Good luck on your..uh..holy business.” She strode off to her Buick.  Bumper sticker: “my grandson is an honor student at st. bridget’s high school”.

  “How’d it take?” said Fred. He was eager to get back to the motel and get on the internet to proclaim my ascendancy to the seat. I was in the mood for a drink. And some Bible study, of course. I find reading the Bible drunk makes it more inspiring.