It’s been about six months since I’ve been on a plane, but now I can’t wait for my next flight!

Thanks to a Mr. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, getting through airport security is sure to be even more of a, ahem, blast than it has been. Mr. Abdulmutallab, in the event that you have been too caught up in holiday activities to check the news, is the brilliant Nigerian on a Northwest Airlines flight from Lagos to Detroit who tried yesterday to ignite some unknown powder with a chemical in a syringe. Like the numbnuts shoe bomber a few years ago, the guy apparently was sick on the day at terrorist camp when the chemistry of catalysts was discussed.

The combo, smuggled by the would-be terrorist/wacko taped to his leg, merely made a popping sound before igniting enough to seriously burn the perp before passengers and crew subdued him.

While there was no loss of life or plane, the damage has been done.

How many trees have just been killed to send out the memos at the TSA to every airport security checkpoint in the nation on the new procedures for dealing with preboarding passengers? Remember, the shoe bomber inspired the practice of having everyone deshoe when going through security. And the requirement for all liquids in carry-ons to be in Lilliputian bottles is thanks to a thwarted plot in 2006 that involved terrorists planning to smuggle bottled liquids onboard to mix together to create explosives. (I personally think the latter plot was instigated by the makers of toiletries intent on boosting sales of higher-margin small containers of their products.)

Now we are sure to face yet more indignities before flying because the TSA can’t escape its knee-jerk reactionary thinking that says all passengers now will tape chemicals to their legs.

So it’s obvious what the new directive will be: From this day on, all passengers, male or female, adult or child, must wear special “flying miniskirts” (no pantyhose or socks allowed!) so that our legs are bared for instantaneous inspection. Reportedly, Scotsmen everywhere are raising tumblers of single malt in celebration.

My suggestion for those guys whose legs are hairy enough to be confused with those of a werewolf is to make good use of a Lady Schick before queuing up just to keep the lines moving at the checkpoints.

Men seen at Newark Airport today, anticipating changes in TSA security procedures. 

But the day they nab the would-be terrorist who pulls a bomb out of his ass will be the day Jimbo avoids plane travel altogether….

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Post script: I heard on the news last night that new security procedures may include banning trips to the restrooms in the last hour of flight and requiring all passengers to stay seated in that period with no use of electronic devices. If true, I suggest that all passengers drink lots of water in-flight and urinate right where they sit. And do you think anyone with a laptop bomb will just detonate it a little earlier?

If this inane response wasn't so sad, I'd be laughing. You can't make this shit up. No word, however, on the mandatory wearing of skirts....