One man's philosophy is another man's bellylaugh.

Jeff L. Howe

Jeff L. Howe
Location
Lyndon, Pennsylvania,
Birthday
April 19
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Visit the website: jeff-howe.net
Bio
Jeff Howe is a bonsai enthusiast and harmonica player who has very good reason to believe that the Universe tastes like a cheap buck-fifty melon. He is a product of Walled Lake and a former Poetry Slam Champion of Milwaukee. He once shook hands with Rocky Colavito, opened for Leon Redbone and took a piss next to Mose Allison (no hands were shaken). All things considered, his best single day was July 4th, 1987 when he marched in the Marmarth, North Dakota parade in the morning, discovered a rare dinosaur skull in the afternoon, and then sat in playing harmonica with a drunken cowboy band until way past tomorrow. It's been downhill ever since. Jeff is a misemployed geologist who specializes in interpreting rock outcrops at 70 miles per hour. It's a gift. His daughter loves cows. ................................................................................................................... FOR MORE STORIES, PHOTOS AND HARMONICA RECORDINGS VISIT: jeff-howe.net

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JUNE 12, 2009 9:18AM

On Ice Cream

Rate: 12 Flag

 

On the subject of ice cream, my family and I disagree.

To my wife and daughter, ice cream is a simple condiment - like ketchup or peanut butter or a jar of pickles - that can be saved and stored indefinitely until needed.  A carton of ice cream, when laid to rest, remains at rest until acted upon by an outside force. 

I am that outside force. 

Like a bottle of wine, a freshly opened carton of ice cream is ticking.  It is breathing, spoiling, begging to be eaten.  It is fresh, like lettuce.  To deny it, is to let the life ooze from it – reducing it to little more than spoiled, frozen milk with frost and freezer burn. 

My family is of the opinion that, a carton of ice cream, purchased for a birthday party and not completely eaten, can be placed in the freezer and left forever.  It should remain there indefinitely.  And if, in the distant future, another birthday party rolls around, they will look in the freezer to see if there is still ice cream.  When there isn’t, they holler to the toad on the couch in the next room, “Dad, did you eat the ice cream?!”

Of course I ate the ice cream.  Someone had to eat the ice cream. 

When the class wars finally break out and chaos ensues, modern civilization as we know it will be lost forever.  It will be ice cream that I will miss the most. 

 

 

 

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Comments

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Very "cool", Jeff. You would be in heaven if you opened my freezer right this minute. Haagen Dazs Peanut Butter and Chocolate, Swiss Vanilla Almond, Ben and Jerry's Heathbar Crunch, Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip and Snickers Ice Cream bars.
I can take one or two spoons and walk away. I just have to know that it's there. I owe you an e-mail, sir. Have been swamped.
Yes, someone had to eat the ice cream! And you had the perspicacity to realize that "someone" should be you. ;)

At the moment my freezer contains Haagen Dazs Chocolate Chocolate Chip, Haagen Dazs Mint Chocolate Chip, Ben & Jerry's Phish Food, and Weight Watchers Chocolate Cookies & Cream bars.

If the revolution means no more ice cream, I don't want to make it through to the other side.
This is obviously becoming an inventory on people's freezers...
My son has the same attitude towards ice cream - "Someone had to eat the ice cream." Of course, at 15, he has that attitude towards all "left overs." He is "that outside force." But I happen to agree - waste not, want not. And if ice cream is a casualty of the revolution, we must carpe the spoon.
Jeff, I have recently been converted from an Ice Cream heathen to someone of your Faith. I get it now. I understand about the delicate life span of good ice cream.

Unfortunately, many manufacturers of the treat produce it for the types of people who do like to use the same 10-gallon barrel of neopolitan for all the birthdays in a year.

He said to me once, "I love ice cream, so I never have it in my freezer," and I used to look at him strangely for that seemingly oxymoronic declaration. But alas, it is the hard truth. Recently having seen the light, I'm with you now, brother. We now hardly ever keep it on hand, if so, only in the smallest quantities possible, meant to be consumed that night. (Ideally, in bed.)
In Argentina there is Haagen Dazs, but the "real" icecream is made locally and bought by the kilo, it doesn´t come in cartons an you choose the flavours (infinite number of delicious possibilities); oh, I need icecream right now.... Rated.
Ever since I passed 40 (a while back, mind you) if I even look at the deadly Daazs I gain ten pounds. So I don't look, I eat. And then I swim. And cycle. And run, et al.
We have ice cream. We do emergency ice cream runs. It's not totally unusual to have 4 cartons going at a time. No wonder I've gained 20 lbs since I've been unemployed!
Great story!
I scream, You scream we,,..., What a great post, on something, I, a supposed ice cream expert, never gave a thought.
Quality.
Excellent post. Hopefully, when civilization ends, there will still be cows for cream, chickens for eggs, and something for sugar. And a well hidden bottle of La Vencedora. 'Cause there's always home-made.
Carey: When chaos breaks out, I want to have a basement full of whiskey. Not for drinking purposes - for trading.
... well, OK, if chaos breaks out I'll probably drink some of it too... c'mon over.
I got my lick in the other day, not with strawberry ice cream, but with strawberries themselves. "Someone better start eating these strawberries", says I, opening the fridge. "Why don't you eat them", comes the reply. "Well," says I, "I never know what I'm supposed to eat or what is being saved for some special purpose -- and I always get chewed out for hogging stuff."

Much to my surprise, my challenge was not taken up. But my antagonist doesn't know I saw the container of spoiled strawberries deposited in the garbage can later in the day.