One man's philosophy is another man's bellylaugh.

Jeff L. Howe

Jeff L. Howe
Strasburg, Pennsylvania,
April 19
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Jeff Howe is a bonsai enthusiast and harmonica player who has very good reason to believe that the Universe tastes like a cheap buck-fifty melon. He is a product of Walled Lake and a former Poetry Slam Champion of Milwaukee. He once shook hands with Rocky Colavito, opened for Leon Redbone and took a piss next to Mose Allison (no hands were shaken). All things considered, his best single day was July 4th, 1987 when he marched in the Marmarth, North Dakota parade in the morning, discovered a rare dinosaur skull in the afternoon, and then sat in playing harmonica with a drunken cowboy band until way past tomorrow. It's been downhill ever since. Jeff is a misemployed geologist who specializes in interpreting rock outcrops at 70 miles per hour. It's a gift. His daughter loves cows. ................................................................................................................... FOR MORE STORIES, PHOTOS AND HARMONICA RECORDINGS VISIT:


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JANUARY 31, 2010 10:14AM

Daughter Discovers Flaw In The Apocalypse

Rate: 21 Flag

It has been widely proposed that the world is hell-bent for some great time-ending cataclysm in the year 2012.  I don’t keep up with all of the details but apparently Nostradamus, the Mayans, a coven of witches, some Korean mathematicians, Billy Baldwin, Al Gore, the RNC and the Devil himself sat down for cocktails and came up with a fire and brimstone schedule for this decade’s most famous year.

The world is going to end people, and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.   

Now don’t get me wrong.  In 2012 I’ll have my lawn chair all set up, and a six-pack of beer at the ready just in case another crazed asteroid comes screaming through the atmosphere, or the five fricking stoned ponies of apocalypse come thundering down my drive.  But I’m not going to cancel any golf dates or have the dog put down in advance just because of it.  

But there is some good news.  My thirteen-year-old daughter has a fix on what the problem is with the Mayan calendar.  And since the fact that the ancient calendar is set to end in 2012 (thereby causing The End Of Time) is one of the signature pieces of evidence in this catastrophe, I thought her ideas might be helpful.  If we can dispel the Mayan notion, we might be able to cancel the entire Apocalypse. 

Whadda we got to lose?

But here, why don’t I shut up and let her tell you herself: 

“Well, the Mayans were making their calendars back, what, like THOUSANDS of years ago, right?  And there was a whole room full of little calendar maker guys whose only job - for their entire life - was to make the calendars.  Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year, century by century, millennium by millennium…  These little calendar maker guys sat in rooms with scrolls and scrolls of calendars, some rolling out the door and down the steps of the temple as they worked.  It was never ending.  It was a boring, dead-end job.  But every time one of them became exhausted and asked the bosses how much farther into the future they had to go, the bosses would crack their whips and snarl: ‘until the end of time’.

 “The calendar maker guys tried to look WAY out into the future and pick a year that time would NEVER get to… something so far into the distance so as to be impossible.  Eventually they settled on 2000 – Two Thousand.  TWO THOUSAND!  Nobody would ever get to 2000!

 “By miraculous coincidence, on the very day that Mayan civilization suddenly and mysteriously ended, the little calendar maker guys passed 2000 and continued to press on: 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004…   The agent of their doom (we don’t know what that was) entered the village.  2005, 2006, 2007…  It entered the temple and ascended the steps of the little calendar maker guy’s workshop.  2008, 2009, 2010… It burst into the workshop and found one last frightened little calendar maker guy holding a completed 2011 in his hand.  In an act of defiance, the calendar maker guy whipped out one more year – 2012 - but before he could finish it, the agent of doom consumed him, the calendar ended and 2012 stood forever as the End of Time.”

OK.  So I added a little bit… but it was her basic idea. I like it.  It explains a lot.  It’s a good story.  It’s our story and we’re stickin’ to it.



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I'm off for a ride on one of the five frickin' stoned ponies of the Apocalypse, which I found munching on frozen grass in my yard this morning. I take that to be a good sign. Back soon.
I like it! I live defiant calendar makers. Your daughter is a smart cookie. Can she solve other problems of the universe too? I think we should make a list for her.
"love" ... not live. Typo! I heart defiant calendar makers.
Great story Jeff, and believable. Your daughter is very smart. But I'm putting my money on Billy Baldwin. He's Alex's brother, and you know he's never wrong! hah!
Hmmm...I'd be curious as to how she fits that info in with the fact that Sir Isaac Newton (the gravity and laws of physics guy) calculated the end of times to be 2060...:-D

Of course Newton also died of Mercury poisoning, so take it as you will
Huh... who'd a thunk? How simple. If you remember... when computers were first invented they only went up to 1999. Now a computer is no Mayan. Not even close. Didn't build any temples, or Mayan Gold's Gyms or Port-a-Potties. But the concept is similar. I think she may be on to something.

And that is indeed Good News.

After those stone ponies eat your frozen grass, I'm just curious to know what comes out the back end? Rocks? That could explain a lot around my house.
"and a little child shall lead them" _ r
A pony ate some frozen grass
Then sat to rest and let time pass
But the icy mixture made methane gas
That exited out his frozen…
Sounds every bit as plausable as all those endless, mindless, "specials" I have seen on the Science channel, the History Channel, and Discovery Channel. Why not.
I think she should make the talking head circuit with this brilliant hypothesis.
You're both wrong. The data indicate that the world will end at 8:41 this evening. If you had a lick of sense, you'd guzzle the beer now and give a swig to your daughter. She's going to need it.
hats of to that sharp daughter of yours - thanks for the post! xx A
Jeff... I knew you'd have a good answer. Methane seems inescapable. Perhaps even Apocalyptic.
Quite a clever girl. Maybe a thousand yeards from now, she'll be the that era's Nostradumus.
Some people want the end to be 2012 so they can run up all their credits cards and stick it to the Man, knowing they won't have to pay. Really.
My biggest fear about 2012 will be in getting students to complete their homework (thanks a lot John Cusack). I mean if the world's going to end and all, why bother right? On second thought, maybe they're on to grading papers for 2012!
Nostradamus, meet your match in a logical thirteen year old girl. =o)

I don't discount humankind's capacity to do something extremely stupid and destructive to the planet, but I hope at the end of 2012 that a lot of sheepish calendar maker people will realize "Oh wow the world didn't end this year, we'd better get busy on those 2013 calendars....
She clearly takes after her Dad . . . wise young woman!
I thought it was the four horses of the apocalypse.

Note, the Mayan calendar makers didn't need to make a calendar for 2013. Technology has changed, stone's not needed. So, they did their job well, even if the end of the world doesn't come.
It probably will end in 2012, just when I become eligible for Social Security. Story of my life.
Hmm, sounds reasonable to me. All those calendars - can your daughter tell me how they hung them on their refrigerators?