It’s the hideous, screaming, bone jarring “BAM!” that I can’t get out of my mind.
It keeps echoing over and over and over again in my head like a gun shot going off next to my ear. It’s the broken glass and the sudden rudeness with which my car’s path was altered, throwing me off the road, through the grass and into the bushes. It’s the smell of oil and steam, the creaking of fresh bent metal, the hissing of fluids and the total bewilderment.
And it’s finally finding the wits to push open the bent door only to stumble out into the dark to the sight of another mangled car, make that two cars, make that a car and a truck… with people trapped inside them.
Bystanders, witnesses, motorists are already out of their vehicles – calling 911, directing traffic, tending to the injured. It is bad, very bad.
And I may be at fault.
I lean on my trunk and watch the activity in a stupor. My hand is dripping blood but I am alright. Others are not so lucky.
In the distance, the wail of sirens comes nearer.
• • •
I first heard that sickening “BAM!” fourteen months ago when I was struck by a driver talking on a cell phone, who sailed through a red light and plowed through the side of my car. My car was totaled and I ended up driving an old beater that I purchased with the $1504.38 that the insurance company gave me for my troubles.
But more significantly I became afraid. I was wounded psychologically – I was terrified to drive. I drove timidly, defensively, afraid that at any intersection, at any stop light, at any moment I would again be visited by the “BAM!”
And I went on that way, driving like a coward for fourteen months until last Friday night when, on the way to the local high school football game to pick up my daughter, I pulled out of a bad intersection and right in front of a car that I never saw.
BAM! SCREECH! CRASH! HISS.
Silence.
• • •
Something inside has really snapped this time. Something inside is not right… a form of post traumatic stress I suppose. I am quiet, sullen, tired, withdrawn. I can’t speak above a whisper. I’m afraid to go outside for fear that a piano will drop out of the sky and on to my head. The very thing that I was afraid of, that I was looking for, that I dreaded, actually happened. A second car is totaled, people are in the hospital. The “BAM!” was out there waiting for me all along.
The insurance company gave me a rental car for a few days, although I don’t want it. When I picked it up, and put the key in the ignition, I burst into tears, bawling my eyes out in the back lot. I drove it home like a child walking alone through a spooky forest.
I have already purchased an all-zones monthly bus pass and find that with some walking and some patience, I can get to work and back each day. I’ll have to get up a lot earlier but it will give me time to read the paper, jot stories in my notebook or snooze. I’m not going to rush into buying another car, I’m going to stay away from cars for awhile. I’ll put the $1,441.04 that they gave me for my beater in the bank and think this one over. Maybe I’ll use the money to buy a new laptop or put out a POD book of stories instead.
But I can’t get back behind the wheel again just yet. Not for a while at least. I’m just too afraid…
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jmac1949
Lisa Scroggins
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Deborah Young
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Comments
Good thoughts for all of you. Thanks for sharing.
Accidents happen. We all have brain farts now and again--you're just having to deal with a tough lesson. Shake it off and get back in the game.
Set back. Wait for the right moment like you're doing.
Come back on the four count and bring it back uptempo.
You'll know when.
This sounds really stupid,but I say it anyway because I know it works.
First I want to say that I wish you all the best to overcome this post traumatic fear which it is.
What I am getting at is this:
"Self fulfilling prophecy".
Every now and then,I worry about different things like the children's safe way to school,other matters,too.
I know then that I have to do something about it mentally.And it works.
I am not saying that you caused the accident by giving it too much space and attention.
All I want to do is help you to understand that you can work on your situation from now on.Good Luck!
-R-
rated with love
The way you described the sounds of the BAM! is exactly how I would have for the auto accidents I've been in. It's just this loud BAM or CLANG and by the time you realized what's happened, it's nearly done and over with. And I can definitely relate to that. Well done sir.
I've been in five auto accidents. I've been run over on a bicycle -- twice! I've fallen down two cliffs and out of a sixty plus foot height out of a tree to a creek well below. I've been thrown off horses more times than I can count.
In one of the bicycle accidents, I was thrown over the bike as it was crunched up by the front bumper of the car. I am not sure how far I flew in the air, or how far I rolled, but I am pretty sure my total travel without the bike was over a hundred feet.
That one accident, of all of them, caused me to feel as you do. I re-lived the accident over and over again every time I heard brakes squealing. This lasted for about a year and a half. It wasn't as debilitating or fear inducing to me as it seems to have been for you -- I can't possibly explain why that might be.
I know what you're going through and you can get through it. Take your time and get your head straight. I have to agree to a small amount, though, with Heidi. But only a little.
When we act out of fear, or live in a fearful state of something bad happening -- really bad -- such that it begins to overtake the self control of our good sense, we tend to experience the worst that life can throw our way. We distract our awareness of our world and surroundings out of this nagging worry.
This doesn't mean that fear or a good sense of danger should be ignored. It means we recognize it for what it is; and then make sure that we are being more aware of our surroundings, more attentive to our focus to the task at hand and that, in a world populated with others, much like ourselves, that we cannot take our safety -- or danger -- for granted.
Maybe it's because I look at society as an extension of the pressures the environment puts on a population to survive and improve. In large metropolitan areas, the driving is more dangerous there than in other places. Yet, the number of accidents, per capita is not a direct correlation to the increased number of vehicles, driving time or miles traveled.
People develop sharper reflexes, senses and acuity. At the same time, there are way too many people doing things they shouldn't while driving -- and many, many times, they get away completely clean and make it to their destinations. Sadly, there are times when they are the cause of an accident and the repercussions can last, emotionally, physically and psychologically for many years afterwards. And usually not as often to them as to the ones they placed in danger.
I say, get back on the horse soon. Not when you think you're ready, because it sounds like you might not be ready for a long time. It's all too easy to establish a new "comfort zone" of non-action and non-participation out of fear of something. And when that happens, you are not in control of your own life and choices; the fear is. When this condition persists, you'll find yourself being ever more anxious outside of that "comfort zone," no matter how crippling being in that zone actually is. It's the devil you know at that point.
Life is uncertain. Once born the only guranty I know is that, at some point down the line, you're going to die. Every breath you draw is another moment to savor. How can you do that if you live in fearful anticipation of the next "bad thing?"
This is not an analysis of you, just my overall observations of others and myself over many years, having gone through many similar and or related events that would, in many cases, be a normal cause of being mentally and emotionally scarred or wounded by a potentially life ending event.
You're not dead now, so don't live your life as if it were more fragile than it already is. Savor it. Be aware, be afraid, and be brave. For what is bravery than overcoming, facing and meeting with a cry on your lips, those things you fear?
Hang in there and keep writing. That helps, too.
--R--
It sounds like not getting behind the wheel again may be the most sensible thing. Give yourself time to calm down. Driving again after a bad accident is always hard.
Keep Breathing. And if it will help, talk to a therapist.
rated
After a similar serious scare that went right into my body like a car wreck's effects, I was almost paralyzed for weeks after with a fear I didn't understand as I wasn't fearful up until that moment....it takes awhile, I learned.
Be patient with yourself, you'll recover soon.
Best wishes to you!
Then they will read this and know they are NOT alone.
And it will help.
This story tumbled out of me pre-formed and already written. I had all I could do to hang on to the keyboard... it took me only 20 minutes. My life is simultaneously rich and impoverished these days, I won't bore you with the details. But that, in itself, is the SPICE of life....but that's another story.
Thanks again. Be safe.
step in the right direction.
Jeff. I'm glad you're writing about it. It helps. And I agree with Buffy. It helps. I would also suggest reading books about 'grief.' It occurs to me that you are grieving some loss of sense of safety.... FWIW.
The second was last December, in the first snow storm of the year, driving to work. I went into a spin going around a curve, and went into 180 degree spins back and forth, until the car veered of into the ditch. Luckily, the ditch had a lot of big rocks at the bottom, and they slowed the car to a stop in about 20 feet. I wasn't hurt, but the car was ruined. It ended up costing me about $3000, counting buying another car, a lesser one to boot.
I still drive, pretty much the same, but last year's wreck made a difference. I retired from the job rather than risk another winter on that bad road, which has claimed many lives.
I still go through a little when I think about these wrecks, but am mainly glad to be alive, and I realize we all end up dead eventually, so we just do the best we can. I mostly ride a bike now, and don't really like driving. There are so many idiots on the road, especially drunks, that you never know what you're getting into.
If you aren't a particularly good driver, you might want to avoid driving altogether. It's worse every day on the roads, and no matter who you are you're going to have near-misses pretty much all the time. One more "boom" and you might suffer debilitating damage.
One suggestion I can make is to get your brakes checked, and make sure you have a short push on the brake pedal. It can make the difference between life and death.
Car accidents leave ghosts, no matter how insignificant the results are, it's the loss of control - for a heartbeat your life and future aren't yours. I'm not sure that we ever completely forget how suddenly that can happen.
I think wistfully of those six months in San Diego.
Rated for abruptly irreversible for life.
This was beautifully written.
Most vividly, I remember climbing into my newly repaired car to drive myself home.
Cosmetically my car looked like nothing had ever happened. Before I started the engine, I checked the rear view mirror and saw my reflection and felt my fear. The car seemed fine. Only I was wrong. Then tears, so many tears, and shaking. I remember the tears. And the fear. Thinking of you, Jeff and glad you found a way to share what many never share. May time and calm help ease what you are feeling now.
Jeez! I'm back at work and just decided to check to see what you've written lately and whammo! I'm so sorry this happened to you and wish I could say something worthwhile, healing or therapeutic somehow. But I'm at a loss except that I looked into how animals deal with trauma, after my experience being pounded by a maniac and found that: they hybernate for awhile and allow other members of their species to do their work. When they are ready to face the world, they get up and literally "shake" off the trauma physically. They then go about their business.
I hope soon you will be able to "shake" the fear off even if you never get back inside a vehicle.
And the parkinson's part breaks my heart. Please keep in touch.