Atheist Bus Campaign creator Ariane Sherine and Richard Dawkins at its launch in London.  Normally, this man is an atheist.  However,  at this exact moment,  he is thanking God for the brunette in the undersized tee-shirt at his side.

Hello, God?  I am an atheist talking to God now, and God is not replying because God does not exist.  So why am I talking to God? I can talk to God even if He isn't there.  I was talking to my cousin on the phone,  even after she hung up. She had hung up about ten minutes earlier,  and the phone was dead. Talking to God is sort of like that.   There was no reply for a whole  ten minutes.  This proves that God does not exist.  Every time I talk to God, I can prove that God does not exist.  Because  God would  send a reply.  God would give me a sign or something, or maybe send me a coded message in the newspaper.  That obelisk on the moon in Space Odessey 2001.  That didn't mean anything.  A pile of crap in the forest means more than that.   Bartender, give me another drink, and which way to the John ?

Went to an atheist funeral the other day...
Poor fellow, all dressed up and nowhere to go.

How many atheists are needed to write a paper on evolution. Ten. One to write the paper, and nine to deny that God Did IT.

How do you torture an atheist?  You rip out his heart, hold it in front of him, and say , God Did It.

How do you kill an atheist?  You don't. You let God Do It.

Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Praying.
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. “Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.” Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him  how wrong he is.”

An atheist was arguing that , since there was no God, he could claim to be God .   The other man shouted back,  You CANNOT BE GOD. That was impossible.  Why is it impossible, said the atheist?  The man replied, because when my mother-in-lawi is in the house, she is God.

What do you get when you cross a Jehova's Witness with an atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door  and then denies you are home.

An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”

Two cannibals are eating an atheist, and one says to the other, “I can't believe how this guy tastes”.

An atheist was rowing at the lake, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just stopped. A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you dont believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?" The atheist looked up and said: Well, ten seconds ago I didnt believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!

You know you are an Atheist when:

you found "The Passion of the Christ" closer to a homo-erotic sado-masochistic fantasy than to any sort of an inspirational film.

you just can't figure out what to say when someone sneezes, and aren't sure why you need to say anything at all!

you've bookmarked a page of synonyms for the word "believe".

you are subscribed to the blogs of 50 other atheists.

you read the Bible to find jokes to tell your friends.

you can't decide what to do with your hands or eyes when the family says grace.

Ever hear about the dyslexic atheist ?
He stayed up all night trying to prove his doG did not exist.

A man says i will give anybody 100 dollars if they can prove they are jesus christ. so this atheist drunk guys says i can prove it, follow me.
so the guy follows him down to a crapy bar.  the man turns hows this prove anything, and the atheist drunk says hold on, just follow me in.
so they walk in the bar and the bartender says to the atheist drunk,
JESUS CHRIST YOU BACK AGAIN?

Taoism
Shit happens.

Buddhism
If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Protestantism
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Catholicism
Shit happens because you're bad.

Judaism
I was chosen for this shit?

T.V. Evangelism
Send more shit.

Hedonism
There's nothing like a good shit  happening.

Agnosticism
Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this shit.

Existentialism
What is this shit?

Stoicism
I Can Take any Shit

Atheism
There is No Shit.

Capitalism
This Shit is for Sale

Communism
This shit belongs to everybody.

Evolution
This shit evolved from other shit

Writers
I cant write shit

Politicians
It's the same old shit

Gasteroenterologists
This shit is gold.

Construction Architects Contractors
Put that shit on top of the other shit.

Physics
This shit is particle and that shit is a wave.

Medicine
Too much shit in the wrong place is not a good thing.

Gormet Chef
Dont put any shit in there.

Stock Market Invester  during 1929 crash
Holy Shit