Dinner started about 30 minutes ago, but I'm sick to my stomach and tired. Downstairs I hear my five year old screaming, "I'm not the eat faster guy!" while our four year old just screams. Both boys have autism and my husband is fighting a desperate battle to get them to eat. I'm upstairs with my hands cupped over my ears wishing I had ear plugs. If my husband didn't handle situations like this I don't know what I would cope. Our house won't quiet down until nine, or maybe ten o'clock.
Today was supposed to be an easy day: take five year old to get re-fitted for orthotics, pick up four year old from early childhood center, feed them lunch and then drop them off at pre-school for a blissful few hours of peace and quiet. Instead, my five year old reached to close the back door of the car just as I was closing it and his poor little hand was smashed. The emergency room at the hospital refused to give us ice, so I carried my crying son to the PT/OT clinic where we were supposed to have his feet measured. They gave us ice, calmed us down and measured his feet. I filed a complaint with the hospital about the emergency room, and drove my son home to feed him lunch and then take him to get his hand X-rayed. My husband was recruited to pick up our four year old, feed him, and drive him to preschool.
It was 2 o'clock by the time I dropped my five year old off at preschool. His hand is fine, just bruised, and he was happy he didn't miss snack time. I just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry for the rest of the day. I'm not sure why today is different than other days when I just suck it up and move on. Today I feel like I'm on the verge of just losing it. A padded room and a straight jacket sound like comforting things. On days like this one, I dream of an extended stay in the hospital away from this life. It's a good thing these days are not the norm, but I wish they didn't happen at all.
It helps to write. Somehow it relieves the pressure and I can keep going. The educators that smile and say my children don't need therapy because it costs too much money, the insurance lobbyists who say my children don't really deserve therapy even though we pay premiums too, and the politicians who only see my children as photo ops. It's enough to make a person sick to their stomach for days on end. I'm tired.
So, today autism wins. Tomorrow...