The Catholic Church is bringing back a theological Golden Oldie called "plenary indulgences."
To Catholic Boomers like myself -- Caboomers -- indulgences were nothing less than a ticket to Heaven -- a free pass from purgatory's fires for you and yours, a bailout for your very soul. Indulgences fell out of favor in the '60s, when Vatican II ordered the Church to go native, to swap the wheezy pipe organ for a seminarian's out-of-tune guitar and endless choruses of "Michael Row the Boat Ashore."
Here's how it worked in the bad old days: It was well-known among Caboomers that they were all sinners. We were told this five days a week by the nuns who taught us to fear God as much as we feared them. Indulgences were like work-release programs for convicted sinners -- a way to bank up good time against the punishments of sin that every child above the age of seven stood constantly accused of.
There were two kinds of indulgences, plenary and partial. Partials were just what they sound like -- certain short prayers, for example, usually got you 300 days off your accruing sentence in purgatory (i.e., hell with an escape hatch). The nuns would pass out holy cards like so many baseball cards. On one side was a picture of a saint. On the other side was a short prayer whose days-off value would be noted.
These short prayers were called "ejaculations." That's all I'll say about them just now, for fear of providing an occasion of sin for Caboomers who are easily led astray.
Plenary indulgences were seeming jackpots for junior sinners (whose darkest sin was usually something on the order of calling your brother a stupid-head.).
The New York Times described plenaries with admirable concision Monday: they eliminated all your sins, at least until another one was committed. You could get one for yourself, or for someone who was dead. Even for your brother. But you couldn't buy one either (especially on the money a paper route got you in those days). And there was a limit of one plenary per sinner per day.
Plenaries, in other words, seemed like the smartest bargain. Sin was everywhere back then -- you could go to hell for eating meat on Friday. As George Carlin once noted, "there are guys down in hell today doing time on a meat rap."
But because the plenaries were such an all-or-nothing deal, smart Caboomers like myself looked to the partials for long-term redemption. Simply by ejacula . . . saying something as simple as "Oh Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recoursed to thee," you could get almost a year lopped off your inevitable sentence in purgatory. It was an extremely good deal, incareation-wise: big time off for very little time spent.
Have you any idea how many prayers like that a hell-haunted little kid can rattle off in a single hour? A day? A year?
The nuns' prophecies came true, as will any such poisonously proposed prediction will. I've led a sinful life. But I'm Heaven-bound anyway. I figure I've got a stockpile of partials so deep and wide, the Pope might envy me, if envy weren't such a sin and he weren't such a Pope.
But if you think I'm ever doing time on a meat rap, you must be some kind of stupid-head.
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Erica K
Patty Kane Horrigan
Alan Milner
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Absolutely wonderful piece!
rldwitoutendamen!
twice weekly.
Rated.
rldwitoutendamen!
Your younger self would be wondering at this point whether that prayer really counted.
I lived outside of the city of Panama in a rural setting. I rode a van for an hour and a half to get to school, starting at 5:30 in the morning and ran in the front door anywhere from 5 pm to 6 pm depending on the traffic and weather. Dinner at 7pm, light out at 8pm. That gave me exactly one and a half hours between running in the door, doing my homework and sitting down to dinner to commit a sin. If I was extremely creative, I could have used the van ride, dinner, and prayers before bed to damn myself to Hell.
The problem began at Mass at 7 am the next morning, because before I could take the sacrament, I would have to confess my sins. So, I started making them up. I simply didn't have the time or energy in my eight-year old day to get into too much trouble. Here's the catch. I only made up sins about my little sister, the dog, cat, or my horse Loco. My parents and brother were out of bounds because, in my lunatic world of making up sins in order to take the sacrament, if they found out I could get good old fashioned can of
Whoop Ass brought out of the cupboard, but what could my sister, dog, cat or that lunatic horse do? (Hence the name Loco.)
So, my confessor heard some whoppers: "I beat the dog, six times." Six Hail Mary's, that made sense, so I lowered the bar a bit. "I kicked my little sister in the shin." Five Hail Mary's...I didn't get the math, so I concentrated on the cat and the horse.
I still don't get it. I think I've done enough Hail Mary's for a pass, but knowing St. Peter, he'll find something, "You never told the Priest about Yertle, your turtle and the hot bath you gave him before Show and Tell, now did you?" Damn, guess I'm heading downstairs, anyone know where I can buy a bunch of those cards on E-bay, not alot of priests here in Utah.
Seriously, I think people are so riddled with crap that they could use an indulgence or two.
thanks for the fun memories.
our mom is kind of hyper catholic and she and my grandma would organize rosary recitations after supper during lent and around many catholic holy days. we would have to kneel on the floor, my grandma would lead the prayers and we would all have to respond. mary and i would prep the chair that we were going to kneel in front of by lining the seat cushion with the daily funny papers.
thanks for reminding me.
tess
S
Even Plenaries is a joke unless you die right after receiving one; you're next sin would put you right back into eternal punishment.
But then I'm applying reason to a concept without reason in the first damned place.
Rob: I was reminded of the mysterious-seeming title of Malachy McCourt's book "A Monk Swimming." It's derived from his memory of The Hail Mary, the line that starts "and blessed art though a monk swimming."
Gary: We used to pray for non-Catholics and, for my part, worry about their fate, handbacket-wise. Here's hoping you beat the odds the nuns used to give out.
Blue: What you saw, with a child's clear-eyed vision is exactly what I believe drove '60s-era Caboomers to the devil -- the hypocrisy and fear-mongering '50s-era priests and nuns. I really believe the post-Vatican II desertion of the Church was a sort of Children's Crusade against such stuff.
Snap: Holy Toledo! What a tale, and how instantly recognizable despite the exotic setting. Making up sins to confess -- I did it all the time. Reading your comment brought it all back to me and made me laugh in recognition. The mathematics of confession, conjured by an eight-year-old! Beautiful. Yertle the Par-Boiled Turtle. Hilarious. Ain't it grand to be able to laugh about this insanity? To have survived it?
Denese -- I totally agree. Forgiveness (and especially the humbling, extremely valuable act of confession) are missing from so many lives today. Shrinks are no substitute. It's an unholy shame what a mess the Church made of so many beautiful and useful practices, convincing innocents that they were riven by sin (from the moment of their birth, if not their conception, I might add). And we children had no choice but to buy into the madness.
Marty: Many thanks. Amazing how us Caboomers lock into the heaven-and-hell memories of those tender years. Sometimes I think the nonsense they put us through was a good thing -- if being terrified all the time, of being an enemy of God -- can ever be turned to good. I'm grateful for everything in my life, especially now that so much of it is past and distant enough to bring a rueful laugh.
Tess: Sin insurance in the first grade! The stories of how we were driven to these imaginative safe harbors is a tribute to the a child's resourcefulness. Does it need Churchly insanity to make it happen? I don't know.
Tom: You're right. Reason had no part in a Catholic education. If you were lucky, you could burrow down deep and find peace and even the taste of a joy inexplicable. But getting there was an ordeal, and, as I've already said, I don't know if the joy would have been possible without the obstacles surrounding it. What many of these testaments and reminiscences suggest to me is that without the abrading, misguided, lock-step insanity of the Church, the possibility of experiencing that joy might well have been diminished.
The sermon is over. Go in peace.
Some of the best writer's on OS have commented. The nun (Dominicans, not less) who had me read the section on masturbation in the 10th grade "saved" me, and to this day is one of my best friends. Oh, the stories I could tell you, me boy.
They made the body the enemy, and instincts, and most of what made "us" human, but to hate them and the patriarchy they represented is to let them win and not allow ourselves the freedom to choose that is our birthright.
The New Testament clearly distinguishes between the carnal and the spiritual. “It is the spirit that giveth the body life,” taught Jesus, “the flesh profit nothing.” (John 6:63) Paul taught that Jesus had both an earthly and a spiritual nature (Romans 1:3), and referred to his own spiritual self. (Romans 1:9)
According to Paul, the soul is in a body doomed to death; it is
merely a prisoner to sin and the flesh. (Romans 7:18-24) The brethren are to behave in a spiritual manner, rather than in a fleshly way. (Romans 8:4; 13:14; I Peter 2:11) The desires of the Spirit and those of the flesh are in opposition to one another. (Galatians 5:13,16-17) Those who belong to Christ have “crucified the flesh with its passions and desires;” they “live by the Spirit” and are “directed by the Spirit.” (Galatians 5:19-26)
To be carnally minded is to die, but those under the control of the Spirit have transcended their lower, bodily nature. (Romans 8:5-14) Paul regarded envy, strife and divisions among the brethren as carnal or unspiritual. (I Corinthians 3:3) He distinguished between saving the spirit of an individual and the destruction of the person’s flesh. (I Corinthians 5:5)
God’s kingdom is not carnal, but spiritual: “But I make this statement, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, neither does the perishable inherit the imperishable...For this perishable must put on imperishability and this mortal must put on immortality. (I Corinthians 15:50,53)
According to Paul, the body is like a lump of clay. (Romans 9:21; II Corinthians 4:7) Although one’s outer nature decays, one’s inner self is continually renewed in spiritual life. (II Corinthians 4:16-17) The body is merely a temporary, earthly tent in which the soul resides; the spirits of the faithful shall soon be clothed in everlasting, heavenly bodies. (II Corinthians 5:1-3) The soul resides inside a body of flesh. (II Corinthians 10:3) To identify with the body is to be absent from the Lord. (II Corinthians 5:8-10)
Paul spoke of being “caught up as far as the third heaven...whether in the body or out of the body I do not know...” (II Corinthians 12:2-3)
Paul gave an example from his own life to distinguish between being with Christ and remaining “in the body,” to illustrate that one’s actual self is spiritual and separate from the physical body. (Philippians 1:21-24) He told his followers to set their sights on heavenly, not earthly things, and to put to death their earthly nature. (Colossians 3:1-5)
To indulge in fleshly desires is to follow the inclinations of one's lower nature. (Ephesians 2:3) The sensual are considered “lost,” because “their minds are set on earthly things.” Paul told the faithful their real home is in heaven, and they would soon be clothed in spiritual bodies. (Philippians 3:18-21)
Jesus made a distinction between teaching “of earthly things” and “of heavenly things.” (John 3:12) Jesus said his home was heaven (John 3:12), and that neither he (John 8:23) nor his disciples (John 15:19) were of this world. (I John 4:4-6)
The flesh will decay, but the word of God is eternal. (I Peter 2:23-25) One must not love this world nor the things in this world. To do so is to alienate oneself from God’s love, because the passions of this world are flickering and temporary. (I John 2:15-17) This world belongs to the devil (II Corinthians 4:4), this present world is evil (Galatians 1:4), and pure religion means keeping oneself unstained from the world (James 1:27).
On the question of the afterlife, Paul taught that God rewards each individual according to his deeds. (Romans 2:6) One reaps what one sows. (II Corinthians 9:6; Galatians 6:7) Some souls remain entangled in decaying flesh and blood, while others turn to the Spirit. “The one who sows for his own flesh will harvest ruin from his flesh; while the one who sows for the Spirit will harvest eternal life from the Spirit.” (Galatians 6:8) According to Paul, a kernel of spirit is sown into a particular kind of body.
“...God gives it a body as He plans,” explained Paul, “and to each seed its particular body. All flesh is not the same; but one kind is human, another is animal, another is fowl, and another fish.” (I Corinthians 15:38-39) Paul further distinguished between earthly, or physical bodies, and heavenly, or spiritual bodies. “There are heavenly bodies and also earthly bodies; but the radiance of the heavenly is one kind and that of the earthly is another kind.” (I Corinthians 15:40)
Resurrection, then, as taught by Paul, is not the reassembling of dust into living bodies, but rather, the clothing of the spirit with a new body; the placing of a kernel of spirit into a new body, from where its existence continues.
Paul’s letters emphasize the distinction between the soul and the body, the clothing of the spirit with a new body, and the eternal nature of the soul and its relationship to God versus the temporary nature of the flesh and the material world. These concepts can all be found in the doctrine of reincarnation.
Dr. Geddes MacGregor, Professor of Philosophy and Religion, and author of over twenty books, believes reincarnation is compatible with the Christian faith. According to Dr. MacGregor:
“Reincarnation is, of course, a kind of resurrection. Great importance was attached by Christian theologians, however, to the notion of the resurrection of the ‘same body’ that we now have, though in a glorified form. The so-called Athanasian Creed affirms that all men shall rise again with their bodies...and a council held at the Lateran...asserted that all shall rise again with their own bodies...
“St. Thomas Aquinas considered that the body that is resurrected must be in some sense the same as the one on earth; otherwise, he thought, one would have to talk, not of a resurrection, but of the assumption of a new body...such very Latin teaching about a carnis resurrectio does not seem to fit Paul’s teaching in the New Testament, which is that the body is to be of a new order...not otherwise recognizable as the same body as the one on earth. The curious notion of the revivification of the material particles of the body does not arise in St. Paul.”
Dr. MacGregor suggests, however, that just as we have ceased to take literally Archbishop Ussher’s biblical concept of a 6,000 year old universe, so also might reincarnation be consistent with a more enlightened world view.
As a birthright Catholic, I find this interesting.
I have an idea.
What about a derivatives market for these indulgences?
Or maybe bundle them as CDOs? (Catholic De -sin Options)
Or a cap and trade system.
We take our fees from brokering the deals.
Between the two of us, we could be the Bill Gates and Warren Buffet of Indulgences, accruing so many our purity will become infinite.
I really need this deal, as my purity is in negative equity.
What say, partner?
We were in first grade and singing "Eat His Body, Drink His Blood, And We'll Sing this Song Of Love...." It scared the hell out of me.
I was only 6 years old and I found the nuns and their teachings absurd and creepy.
I'm sure you remember Mnsgr. Geary. He was so mean, I thought he was the devil himself.
Your post was very entertaining.
You know in Japan, when a family member dies, wealthier families hire people to cry at their funeral services. A very unique practice, that may have legs amongst Catholics! This "Caboomer thing" sounds like a new green worker-bee industry. Instead of hiring someone(s) to cry at funerals, let's attack the problem so one doesn't even die at all!
Strategy, hire a few illegals, a humble crop, to say a lot of indulgences (i.e., cause we want to live big) for "muir" at the local Our Lady of, so we do not even have to die! We just take the next cyber shuttle to heaven. You know what, I prefer the Seven Virgins cyber shuttle sounds way more exciting!
You have also received one of the most extraordinary posts I've ever seen from Vasu Murti on the relationship of reincarnation and biblical text. I don't know who he is, and his blog as no entries, but have added him as a friend.
While I raised my daughter in Catholicism so she'd at least know the faith or her ancestors, I have since formally converted to Zen Buddhism as has my daughter. In my case, it is a matter of keeping a "structure" in my life built around a "spiritual" practice.
I feel the church is nothing more than the house of "hypocrisy" and any spirituality worthy of the name left the institution long ago--as is always the case given the human propensity for organization and the creation of a mass consciousness under the assumption that it protects and creates culture rather destroys it.
The book that enlightened me as to the deep roots of Vedantic thought in the West going back to the time of the Greeks is THE SHAPE OF ANCIENT THOUGHT by Thomas McEvillery. It may come as a shock to many to know how deeply the world has relied upon the insights of the ancient Indians but not if one opens themselves only a little to truth that has no dogma.
after i was baptized into the mormon church at the customary age of 8, i remember walking home with my dad. he put his arm around me and asked how it felt to be free of my sins.
i said, "dad, i'm 8. how many sins do you think i've committed?"
i've since made up for lost time.
Emma: Thanks. I won't hold it against you, as I once believed I should.
Ben: I'm eager to hear those stories, just as I'm going to make time to read your Old Detroit post. And I'm with you about the hate. Humor trumps hate, it does more than make things bearable -- it can make things understandable. I wouldn't change a thing in my life if I could.
Mary: "Talking back to my parents" -- a classic confessional concoction that I confessed to every time, though I never did it, for fear of the lash.
Vasu: I don't know where to begin. Many thanks for your extraordinary exegesis. You've got me interested in following up on Dr. MacGregor.
Paul: I'm with you brother. "My purity is in negative equity" Hilarious! Purity has always been my downfall too, despite my Scrooge McDuck-like pile of partials. What say we get our prospectus together and go nail it to the front door of Merrill Lynch and any similar cathedral of capitalism?
Gotta hit the showers -- 'nother working day (thank God). Back later.
Ann: Spiritual bouquets and parental birthdays? Guess what I gave my mother for her 80th?
Lisa: Saying the rosary was a big indulgence magnet, the faster the better. You're set.
Americano: There was only one Virgin in my experience & it took me 14 years or so to understand how it was accomplished and then what the big deal was. Thanks.
John: Give it time. The capacity for impure thoughts, in my experience, is endless.
Linda: Sounds kind of scary, doesn't it? I did to me too.
Ben Again: I'm somewhat familiar with Vedanta and more so with other esoteric teachings. Suffice it to say you're quite right.
Stephen: The distinction I've usually made about religion's role in the world is summarized in the phrase "institutionalized religion." Once a spiritual organism, if you will, becomes encrusted with ego and rules and politics it becomes, as far as I can see, a deadly engine, capable of anything.
Cap'n: Aye aye! You were blessed with insight beyond your years.
Caryss: "Learning" in a jungle classroom should definitely be worth a full pardon.
Dana: I'm very, very glad I didn't know about the sin of presumption back then. Impure thoughts were enought to wrestle with.
Ben Again: The sacred pencil sharpener? I hope you elaborate on that one sometime.
Thanks once again to all who contributed. I suspect we haven't heard the last of the Caboomers. Jeremiah