The Observatory

The Truth Shall Set You Laughing

Jeremiah Horrigan

Jeremiah Horrigan
Location
New Paltz, New York, USA
Birthday
February 04
Bio
Former Knight of the Altar, St. Martin's parish in South Buffalo, NY. Old enough to remember ducking-and-covering from the nukes that Sister Jeanne assured us were coming our way, defending Santa Claus until age 10, hating sports, being effectively blind until fourth grade, wanting to fly, escaping to Westchester County for three years, re-escaping to Buffalo for most of high school, escaping to Fordham U to grow a moustache and smoke a lot of oregano-laced pot, escaping school, getting political, getting arrested, getting tried, convicted and released for crimes against the draft. Husband to Patty, father to Grady and Annie. Housepainter, cab driver, idiot, then newspaper reporter in Poughkeepsie, years of freelancing (Sports Illustrated, New York Times, Negligent Mother Magazine) and shameful indulgence, followed finally by 15 more years of reporting, column-writing, some awards, discoveries large and small along the way, including these: Sister Jeanne was full of beans, writing is good for the soul and I'm the luckiest man alive.

Jeremiah Horrigan's Links

Salon.com
NOVEMBER 19, 2011 12:05AM

A Heartwarming Story of Staggering Genius

Rate: 18 Flag

 

A small boy and his mother braved winter winds one December evening some years ago. They walked through slushy snow to buy some milk and beer. The milk was for the boy and his baby sister. The beer was for their father, who liked to wash down his cigarette smoke with a cold one when he got home.

The boy’s father was over-worked and under-paid, the old story.  But borderline poverty couldn’t prevent the boy’s mother from dreaming. Her great dream was the same every Christmas – to take the family to see the Balanchine Nutcracker at the New York City Ballet. They lived 90 miles off Broadway, in an upstate college town. But the car needed work and the little bit she’d been able to put away she’d already spent on gifts for the kids.

She was day-dreaming about the magic Waltz of the Flowers in Act II as she stepped out the deli’s front door.   Her son spotted something in the slush and picked it up.

“Hey Mom! I found a dollar. No – three dollars!”

The mother examined her son’s find. He was off by 57 dollars.

The boy had found three neatly folded twenties. Not daring to look around, she grabbed her boy’s hand and walked home, hardly able to contain her excitement.

When she got home, she unfolded  the bills and stared at them.  This year, the dream would come true.

But the more she thought about it, the unhappier she felt. Suppose this was somebody’s shopping money. Maybe someone had just cashed a check to buy their kids Christmas presents. What if it had been her? How would she feel?

She decided she’d have to do something. She’d have to  advertise.

“What are you, crazy? It’s probably money for a dope deal.”

The woman’s husband was a newspaper reporter. A realist, he said.  A rationalizer, she said.

The ad was simple and to the point: “Money found. Give convincing details for return, c/o Record,  Box 256.”

She received  half a dozen replies. A woman’s purse containing $119 had been lifted from a restaurant. A man had had his gym locker rifled for $23. The rest  of the replies looked like wild guesses. None of them contained enough detail to prevent the woman from making reservations for four at the New York City Ballet.

It was Christmas Eve when the newspaper forwarded  the last response to the ad. Her heart sank. Somehow, she knew what was in it before she read it.

The note was from a college student who said he had lost three neatly folded twenties a few days before outside the Main Street Deli. His telephone number was written at the bottom of the note. 

Suddenly, with crystal clarity, the woman watched the Sugarplum Fairy turn into a giant dancing prune.

She slowly dialed the number on the note.

 She gazed at the Christmas tree in the living room as the phone rang.

A man’s voice came on the line.

"Hello?" 

She told her husband about the call later.

“I think you did the right thing, babe” he told her.

“Yeah, but it wasn’t  easy.”

“Well, I’m proud of you.”

“I’m beginning to feel  better about it myself.”

“I’m glad. The guy must have died when you asked for the serial numbers.”

“Yeah. He said ‘Hang on there lady, who do you think I am, Mr. Memory?’ And I told him right back – I said ‘And who do you think I am, Santa Claus?’"

She was about to say more, but the curtain was going up. The overture had begun.

 

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The immodest hed is explained -- sort of -- by the tags. . .
~weeping~ Such a heart warming holiday story!! ~more tears~ :D
Here I was, thinking we were going for a heart-warming O'Henry story, and you added the great twist. Enjoyed this a lot.
Some of the best writing on the Internet, right here.

I wish the TV show *Parenthood* would pick up on this story.
Tink: You get it!
Lorraine: Who sez guys can't do heartwarming?
J.P.: Thanks. I wish I knew how to give it to them.
nice skit - I bet the student's guardian angel was pissed off
love what the sugar plum fairy turned into. Hey ,with your advice, I got editor's pick!

happy holidays
Hah! I love it. Making a story wind back through time and then still seem as if it was written an hour ago . . .and keeping me there the whole time---that is no small trick. And you make it look easy.

Thanks for the great piece and the inspiration I always get when I see something done this well.
Great job. Loved it.
Damon: My wife reminds me who was really pissed off by the whole episode -- my son, who did indeed find $60 in the snow outside the local deli and whose parents felt perfectly justified in appropriating that money to see the Nutcracker that year . (1980). But for the bit about the serial numbers, this is, in fact, a true story.
Just because the plotline has a questionable outcome doesn't mean it's not a good story. It leaves me uncomfortable, but sometimes that's the way art goes, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. :)

I find it disquieting because it so resembles a shift in society I see as really happening, such that it's not so obvious in the modern world that this is humor as it perhaps it once was. In this day and age, the bond of empathy for one's fellow man seems too easily broken and we're in more of an every-man-for-himself era. The telephone call metaphorically represents the great divide in which one can't actually see the effect one is happening, and so it becomes easy to just decide that what cannot be seen does not matter. Often these days, too, when one receives an unearned windfall, one relies on a sense that “yes, this wasn't deserved, but I have suffered in other ways that haven't been adequately compensated, so this will even the scales.” One sees that in this story as well. So while I see the humor, I also see a serious side.

I think to some extent the drama being played out with OWS and the battle between the 99% and the 1% has a plotline quite similar to what you offer. The 1% find themselves in a situation where they can just take money that others have ineffectively guarded. And they feel bad, maybe, for a small while. Perhaps they make some feeble effort to allow the 99% to reclaim it, but they make sure there are plenty of hurdles. It helps them sleep at night to know there was a mechanism, even if not really acheivable. And anyway they already have plans for the money now that the “market uncertainty” of waiting for someone to ineffectively complain has been resolved.

I'm sure some will say I'm overthinking it, but then what's the point of writing stories that don't make one think?
That does it. I'm recording the serial number of every twenty I get from now on! I weep with Tink.
Loved it. I've never seen a finer example of "mother knows best." Someone should turn this into a TV Christmas special; much better than that sappy "Christmas Shoes" song/movie although not as moving as "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer."
Another terrific tale, Jeremiah. Warms my cynical ex-newsie heart!
Evan: I'm glad the advice helped. But all the advice in the world won't get you anywhere unless you've got the goods. And that's all your doing.

Roger: High praise indeed from a writer whose work I've long admired -- and more -- been touched by. Welcome back.

Marlene: Thanks!
Her heart sank, Sugar Plum Fairy became a prune. Thank you for not following that to the obvious conclusion. Still kind of mean, though.
Kent: Your response surprised me, since you saw depths to the story I never intended.

I recognize the era you're describing, even though I wrote this piece back in '83. I wrote it in some desperation for a weekly paper in whose pages I was expected to write a humor column every week. To give you an idea of my desperation, I wrote it in April, with an opening paragraph excusing / explaining that "we all just need a little Christmas, right this very minute."

That, my friend, is the sound of a desperate writer.

So its roots are old. Whether this suggests that the breaking of the social bonds that you describe goes back farther than we both might like to believe, I can't say. But this much I can say: then as now, I felt utterly ignorant of any larger or more profound meaning or subtext. It was and remains for me a story in a particular style that plays with the reader's expectations and provides an unexpected twist ending that at least made me smile when I re-read it more than a quarter century after writing it. Its purpose was to entertain; its pleasure for me was in matching my skills against the masters (Lardner, O Henry, Runyon) whose work I surprised myself by invoking.

While I sympathize with your analysis of the OWS scenario, I have to say it's a stretch for me to agree that there's anything in the story that supports that scenario -- at least consciously, on my part.

I'd like to add this: I'm glad this story made you think. Your response to it has done the same for me. But what I'd be even gladder to hear that it also made you smile.

I'm sure some will say I'm overthinking it, but then what's the point of writing stories that don't make one think?
Bravo, bravo! When life gives you lemons, you should dispose of them in delightful twists! This was indeed a very sweat twist... and unexpected. It most certainly did cause me to smile. Thank you.
R
I liked the twist, too, precisely because it made me uncomfortable. But I agree with Kent, and I think you could do more with this, much more directly, as a kind of anti-Xmas Carol or a Swiftian parody. I prefer pointed cynicism to the twinkling kind. Let your inner Swift come out to play, and this will be even more wickedly delightful... (rated)
Matt: "I weep with Tink" Sounds like a heartwarming song title. Songwriting challenge: what word rhymes with "Tink"?

Margaret: Greetings & thanks. Can't say I've seen either "special," though Grandma sounds promising. Christmas brings out the worst in pop cultural storytelling, which I think is why there was some skepticism voiced when Emily proposed the open call. This was as close as I could come.

Ann: In your capacity as an ex-newsie, did you ever have to write stories tracking Santa's progress from the North Pole? Such stuff was routinely (and very coyly) presented as fact on TV & in the papers of my youth. I used to worry about the old boy getting shot out of the skies when he passed through the nation's early-warning anti-missile warning system, aka CONELRAD. Hard news meets happy news, '50s-style.

Phyllis: I don't know. Maybe all Sugar Plum Fairies secretly yearn to be giant dancing prunes. Maybe it becomes inevitable, when they reach a cerain age. But I certainly didn't intend to be mean about the possibility.
I laughed out loud at the unexpected ending! Good stuff.
Out: That's a nice twist on the the old lemonade adage. Thanks.

Martha: I guess I shouldn't be surprised by your encouraging response, especially in light of the efforts I've put you through with past TW stories. I can sometimes hardly believe your patience and forebearance, qualities I don't expect and have rarely receive in my professional life.

It's a long step from O. Henry to Dean Swift and daunting to consider. But I will, since I recognize that laziness and a willingness to settle -- to meet but not exceed expectations -- are unwelcome aspects of my writing that need attention. And for that astute reminder, I'm most grateful.
Out: That's a nice twist on the the old lemonade adage. Thanks.

Martha: I guess I shouldn't be surprised by your encouraging response, especially in light of the efforts I've put you through with past TW stories. I can sometimes hardly believe your patience and forebearance, qualities I don't expect and have rarely receive in my professional life.

It's a long step from O. Henry to Dean Swift and daunting to consider. But I will, since I recognize that laziness and a willingness to settle -- to meet but not exceed expectations -- are unwelcome aspects of my writing that need attention. And for that astute reminder, I'm most grateful.
Firechick: Confession: I did too. And I knew it was coming.
Ha! "It wasn't easy." She's a sharp woman, that's for sure. Like Matt said, I'm going to write down my serial numbers from now on!
Oh, I fell right into the trap and didn't see the ending coming at all. Then again, it's late at night and I'm on OS instead of sleeping. But, great job, Jeremiah, on a tale well told, whatever its roots.
Bell: Hey. Maybe you'll FIND the money. And, unless it's Matt's money, it's yours to keep.

Deb: Gotcha! Glad you enjoyed it.
Jeremiah,

This is precisely why I always memorize the serial numbers of all my money. I recently spent JTN366667834590 for tickets to an updated, perhaps more perverse version of the ballet in question: The Ball Buster.
P.S.: Is this a story of "staggering genius" because you had a little too much Jameson's when you wrote it?

Hope your turkey is as good as my brined version is going to be. We can both give thanks for sure....
Jim: I tried to explain & excuse the immodesty of the title by referring to the tags; it's a play on the Dave Eggers book "A Heartbreaking Story of Staggering Genius." For some reason, the list of tags I wrote came out ass-backwards.

And yes, we do indeed have much to be thankful for, especially Thursday's leftovers. . .
great writing, as always. what would the kid have done.
This is GENIUS! I love this story!!!! I was waiting for the sad but sweet ending--you sucker-punched me but I loved it!
M.C.: My apologies for this late response to your comment. For some reason, I'm only sportadically receiving notices ar my e-mail. I'm glad you got a kick out of it.

Dina: Glad to hear from you. It's a lovely time to be sucker-punched, don't you think? Maybe the lesson here is to keep your eye on the ground. . . Hope all's well.