SPOILER ALERT: Here, at last, are the answers to the questions everybody’s asking about the movie all the critics are raving about. The Master is a thinly disguised story about a portly, charismatic, white-haired man who bears a sly physical resemblance (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) to the well-known cult figure known as “Santa Claus.” Read no further if you haven’t seen the movie. This quiz will only confuse you. And if you’ve already seen the movie, you’re probably confused enough. I hope this helps.
Choose the correct answer to each question:
1. The original title of this movie was: A) Of Cabbages and Coconuts; B) A Hand-Job From Amy; C) The Godfatherfigure, Part IV; D) There Will Be Boredom.
2. The Master was written and directed by what famous writer-director? A) Paul Thomas Anderson; B) Wes Thomas Anderson; C) Hans Christian Anderson; D) Paul W.S. “Bud” Anderson.
3. Mid-way through the movie, we learn the name of The Master is actually: A) Paul Thomas Anderson; B) F. Murray Abraham; C) John Beresford Tipton; D) Thurston Howell III.
4. Freddie Quell (Joaquin Phoenix) and The Master (Hal Phillip Walker) bond immediately because: A) Freddy is an able-bodied seaman; B) Freddie suffers from scoliosis and needs to “straighten up”; C) Freddie is a great mixologist; D) Freddie is so very good at walking into walls.
5. Essay: Why does the name “Auntie Bertha” resonate for Freddie? (You have a trillion years to answer this question).
6. What song does The Master sing while dancing with his naked female followers? A) “Old MacDonald”; B) “The Hokey Pokey”; C) “The Love Theme From "The Vagina Monologues”; D) “Yummy, Yummy, Yummy (I’ve Got Love in My Tummy).”
7. The movie’s many narrative gaps can be explained by: A) a lack of finances from the producers; B) the lack a screenplay from the writer; C) the lack of interest by the audience; D) a lack of interesting characters.
8. The name of The Master’s “process” is: A) The Cause; B) The Pause; C) Dietetics; D) The Pause That Refreshes.
9. When asked “What did you do in the war, Freddie?” he answers: A) “I sunbathed a lot”; B) “I masturbated a lot”; C) “I drank a lot of paint thinner”; D) “I slept with a pile of sand. Which, by the way, had a terrific pair of knockers.”
10. This movie takes an unblinking look at: A) unshaven pudenda; B) The Master’s moustache; C) Freddie’s unblinking eyes; D) a terrific pair of knockers.
11. The married name of Freddie’s under-age girlfriend is: A) irrelevant; B) Doris Day; C) the movie’s only laugh line; D) and a pretty poor one at that.
12. The Master poses many philosophical questions, including most especially: A) What’s a meta for? B) Why is there air? C) Who’s on first? D) Who cut the cheese?
13. The movie’s running time: A) passeth all understanding; B) doesn’t run fast enough; C) is a trillion years; D) is a meta for.
14. Ultimately, The Master reveals the name of the movie’s s true cult figure, and his name is: A) Legion; B) Karl Rove; C) Old Mother Hubbard; D) Paul Thomas Anderson.
This post originally appeared -- and looked much better -- in Punchnels.com, a fun place to write for and visit.