
In 1995 I wrote a song which I continued to perform until 2004. I felt inspired to write this after attending a four day interactive sensitivity workshop called "Momentus". This was a derivative of EST directed by Dan Tochinni in Santa Rosa California. Some things opened up for me at that time. Terms like "break through" and "control" coupled with the willingness of the others in the group to be honest and open about their feelings caused me to view myself quite differently than ever before. It took about seven years from that time to allow those tools to sink in and germinate within until I attended the Landmark Forum in San Francisco, a larger group workshop modeled upon similar principles. At that time I was able to access deeper levels of self awareness but still quite confused about "feelings". I used to ask myself, "What are these people trying to do, or get at?" I would watch the facilitators working with an individual struggle for long periods while noticing how an individual would sink deeply into a quiet, closed and at times catatonic place and then how after a "break through" that same person would emerge liberated and aware, or "conscious". Took years to understand this process. Today, I am on my way to recovery from the blindness I maintained for so long and am able to interact with my partner, my family and the larger community around me with greater empathy and less need to get anything from anyone. The song represents the beginning of this process for me. Thought you might like to read it.
Hard Cold Heart
jeseppi © 4/19/95once i met a girl
made me feel so fine
told her that i loved her
fit my design
opened up all my senses
her fragrance filled the air
‘till she blew away like a summer breeze
tearing pain beyond repair
buried my lonesome sorrows
in a pretty bonny lass
danced me through my misery
her sweet skin helped it pass
loved her late at night
‘till early in the day
then she left to nurse some old stray dog
in tears i begged she stay
it’s a hard cold heart
you choose to be
protecting all your interests
dividing you from me
not knowin what you’re doin
or the awful price you pay
it’s a hard cold heart
drivin you away
possessive now and insecure
i strive for vain control
i play the woman that i want
an actor in a role
playing games of jacks and hearts
and rummy ‘till we’ve drunk
then feelin tall hand on ball
she’s just another dunk
now years gone by what’s good for me
is all i care to do
never letting anyone down deep
using them like they use you
and if one day dream girl appears
will have to quench the fire
a rusty cold and stony heart
is all that i desire
it’s a hard cold heart
i choose to be
protecting all my interests
dividing you from me
not seein what i’m doin
or the awful price i pay
it’s a hard cold heart
drivin me away


Salon.com
Comments
I'm familiar with Landmark. It's been helpful to many. Sounds like it was an opening for you for some amazing deep work. You are a person rare who is willing to do this kind of hard honest work. Thanks for this great post.
Glad to see that EST has evolved from its beginnings when it stressed the lonely responsibility to self to the end that, if I did something to hurt you, it was your look-out because I was being myself. No empathy there. That is when the term "ESThole" appeared...