Jess D. Facts

Jess D. Facts
Location
Crawfish Town, Louisiana, United States
Birthday
May 14

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Editor’s Pick
APRIL 12, 2009 11:50PM

Using the Exclamation Point as a Goal!

Check out the exclamation point!  So tall and straight that guy is!  No curves, nothing pulls the exclamation mark down!  He always gets his point across like when people say: “I love you!” or “Take out the stinkin’ trash!” or “Because I said so!&rdq… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
APRIL 10, 2009 10:15AM

The Handwriting on the Wall Among Other Places

Yesterday morning on my way to work someone on the radio was joking about my handwriting.  I know it was my handwriting that they were talking about because it sounded so much like how I write.  To cover up my identity, the radio people said the handwritten note in question was… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
APRIL 7, 2009 11:18PM

Sticks and Stones...Yeah, Right!

It’s tense here tonight.  Usually laughter flows like good wine, but not tonight.  My stepson was caught fighting at school today.  It wasn’t a verbal confrontation but physical.  No one was beat to a bloody pulp; only pushing and a headlock were involved.  But, d… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
APRIL 3, 2009 2:42PM

I Showed My Boss Where To Put The Lube

I work in a chemical plant.  Maybe you’ve heard of it, I don’t make the products you buy, I make them better.  Yeah, that’s me.  I make the stuff that goes into the foam that pads your butts each time you sit in a comfy chair, or your car and possibly… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
APRIL 3, 2009 9:23AM

Altered State of Reality

You are getting sleepy.  You are getting sleeeepy.  Oh whoa, whoa, whoa.  Hang on just a minute.  Wake up.  I know it was me putting you in a hypnotic trance, but I want you to read this.  Wake up, be alert and pay attention.  I’m not writing this for my healt… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 29, 2009 11:44PM

Confessions of a Little Sister

Yesterday my mom called to ask if my sister could borrow my Coke shirt.  The Coke shirt was the iconic 80’s rugby that every one wanted.  If you had one of those things at my school, you were considered relatively cool.  If you paired one of those shirts with some Guess… Read full post »

MARCH 27, 2009 1:44PM

Why I Wear A Big-Ass Belt Buckle

I was always awkward as a child.  I was the kid who could never figure out how to tuck pockets into pants so the white lining wouldn’t show.  I was the one who when made to wear a belt would inevitably miss at least one loop at the back.  To avoid… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 25, 2009 11:05PM

Welcome to My Crazy Imaginary Made Up Life

Sometimes life sucks.  Yeah, you know it’s true.  Things have a tendency to sneak up on you and burden you with all the crap that comes in the handbag of life.  I am absolutely the worst when it comes to dealing with life.  I freak out at the tiniest thing like;… Read full post »

Today I had to opportunity to sit down with Lisa Kern.  She came to my house.  Really, she did.  She drove all the way down from the Great White North to suck in some of the heat and humidity Louisiana is going through right now.  By the time her car pulled/Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 20, 2009 10:49AM

I Lied to Save My Ass

I can’t lie.  Believe me.  I’ve tried doing it before but have come to realize that I’m totally transparent so now I only tell the truth as I know it.  I used to think the transparency of me was because I’m such a pasty white person.  In the past, even thou… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 12, 2009 5:49PM

Are Girl Scout Cookies Proof of Our Microwave Society?

Around here, it’s that time of year again!  The Girl Scouts are out by the dozens selling their wares.  By wares I mean cookies.  Smiling faces are greeting me wherever I go asking me if I want to buy their cookies that are sure to please my tummy.  Sometimes I buy… Read full post »

MARCH 11, 2009 7:40AM

The Kisses that Don't Count

Little girls dream of it.  In their little minds, they know it has to be the most magnificent thing on the planet.  They see it on their mothers’ soap operas as they pass through the kitchen to get a glass of water on a hot summer’s day.  They see it in… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 6, 2009 6:44PM

Cora's Prayer

I know that the open call is for brushes with death that happened to us but I couldn’t help but feel the need to share Cora’s story with the Open Salon world.

 cora141

In 1994, I was finishing up my freshman year of college.  This was my first taste of… Read full post »

MARCH 3, 2009 3:35PM

The Day I was a Topless Model

It was May 14th, 1991.  I remember the day perfectly because it was my sixteenth birthday.  I was finally sixteen, sweet sixteen in the truest form since I had yet to be properly kissed.  My mom made the appointment for me, the appointment for the audition, if you will, and the… Read full post »

I used to want long, flowing locks that streamed down my back and cascaded over my shoulders.  I wanted to be Lady Godiva and wrap myself up in my tresses as though I was wearing a hair toga.  I always imagined myself bouncing along a running track with a long, high… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 25, 2009 1:50PM

Will Someone Please Wash My Mouth Out With Soap?

Yesterday I made the most egregious error of my life.  I said the word “y’all”.  I cannot believe that I’m admitting this.  I’m blushing as I tell the story.  My husband has been waiting for years to hear that word come out of my mouth.  He has b… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 23, 2009 10:08AM

Throw Me Something, Mister!

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Yeah, yeah, it’s Mardi Gras.  I mean, Happy Mardi Gras everyone!  It’s the time of year for all of us Louisianans to finally join together with thousands of tourists and party our patootie tots off.  It’s the season to stand on countless street curbs wat/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 19, 2009 10:12AM

The Best Weight Loss Plan. EVER!

I want to tell you about the best weight loss program ever.  I promise you it works.  When I went through it I lost a whole jeans size, maybe two, depending on the brand and vanity sizing, in a matter of two weeks.  I have to warn you though, you can… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 17, 2009 10:07AM

Dine Here, If You Dare!

The other night my husband and I had a Deep and Meaningful Conversation.  After we put the kids to bed, we cracked open a bottle of wine and were talking lovingly about what we admired in each other.  Everything was going great, my heart was on fire and my ego was… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 16, 2009 3:00PM

If I dream of you

I had the dream again last night.  It was the same dream as always but as always, it was different too.  It’s always a chasing dream.  I am always running from some unseen person, or monster, or whatever it is that chases me.  The only cool thing in the dream is… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 12, 2009 3:14PM

I'm Straight...

All right, raise your hand if you’ve got obsessions, as minor as they may be.  That’s what I thought.  I obsess about little things, too.  My weight?  Oh, yes!  I can tell you the calories in toothpaste.  My skin?  Uh-hu, I’m finding fine lines (as… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 12, 2009 11:04AM

Flowers Would've Been Fine

Dear Sweet Man,

 I want you to know how much I love you.  You make life worth living, you truly do.  If I didn’t have you in my life I would probably never get out of bed in the morning.  I know I wouldn’t bother keeping up with the laundry. Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 3, 2009 12:06PM

Learning How to Love Doggy Style

I am a dog lover.  No, I retract that statement.  I am a dog really-liker.  I used to be a dog lover.  When I was born, my family already had a dog.  She was a collie/shepherd mix named Iris.  Iris was a heroine and could do no wrong.  Ever.  She pushed… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 28, 2009 5:36PM

The Ladies are Coming! The Ladies are Coming!

I am a woman.  A girl.  A female.  I know this because it says so on my birth certificate.  My driver’s license.  My gynecological chart.  I have characteristics of this gender because if I tried to pee standing up I would ruin my shoes.  I’ve given birt… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 15, 2009 9:29AM

As Seen On TV

I admit it.  I’m a sucker.  I am gullible and easily convinced when it comes to marketing strategies.  Commercials enthrall me.  I’m the person who watches the Super Bowl just for the commercials.  Infomercials soothe me when I can’t sleep.  I sit there… Read full post »