Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke announced the Federal Reserve and Treasury Department's new plan to shore up the ailing financial sector - Selling teenage girls to foreign nationals.

"The fact is, anyone under 30 is going to be working full time just to pay back the money the Bush and Obama administration gave to Wall Street through the Federal Reserve and Treasury, but the harsh reality is, without additional revenue some Wall Street executives are going to receive less than 100 million in salaries and bonuses from the companies they've been running into the ground.  How can we, as a nation, call ourself compassionate, while Congress lets this travesty happen?

"We can't. So starting January 2010, recuiters from Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan, Citigroup, Barlay's, Canter Fitzgerald, Daiwa, Deutsche Bank, Credit Suisse, Bank of America, and my son in law will be going through local high schools with armed guards selecting young women to relocate to foreign countries or keep in their own penthouse apartments.

"But rest assured we will not sell them to foreign nationals on our sex offender registry.  I can't go into details about how much we intend to raise, any more than I can tell you how much money the Treasury and Federal Reserve gave to banks, or how much money we have in circulation, because, to be perfectly honest, that's really none of your business, and I certainlyt don't appreciate Bloomberg.com suing us for the information, just because of the unprovable assumption we are a front for grave robbing pederasts and war profiteers. Your job as taxpaying voters is to keep your mouth shut and your wallet open.

"Today's young people have had it too good as it is, so selling them into slavery is a small price to pay to maintain the style of living our friends and associates have grown accustomed to, and we can hardly ask them to sell their private planes or Swiss villas simply because taxpayers resent handing them trillions of dollars and going into debt for the rest of their natural lives. Our concern now is mantaining the lifestyles of billionaires, not your petty grievances. All Hail Satan. Satan is King."