I WISH

I wish children wouldn’t go to sleep sick or hungry.

I wish grownups would stop waking up angry.

I wish God would tell his followers they’re acting like petty, tyrannical assholes who think they have all the answers to everyone else’s happiness.

I wish politicians would remember we don’t need to make donations to vote.

I wish voters would realize they’re not better than their opponents, only different.

After all, most people basically want the same things. Food, love, meaning, and respect.

I wish corporations would realize if they keep firing everyone, there won’t be anyone left to buy their products.

I wish phone companies would stop calling to get me to change phone companies.

I wish television providers would provide me with something worth watching.

I wish television producers were creative enough to give us something more interesting to watch than ourselves.

I wish Lindsay Lohan would hire a chauffer already.

I wish Brad and Angelina would stop adopting children and realize they’re kids, not photo opportunities.

I wish actresses would stop messing with their face, unless they plan on doing science fiction or horror movies the rest of their lives.

I wish women would stop starving themselves to death.

Men don’t want to date women shaped like basketball players anyway.

I wish men would drink less, read more, and admit when they’re wrong.

I wish women would stop buying shoes, reading idiotic magazines, and shut up occasionally. If I want to tell you about my feelings I’ll write a song.

I wish our leaders would get over themselves.

I wish priests who mess around with children would go to prison

like other criminals, and stop getting treated special just because they dress funny.

I wish Kelly Ripa would return my phone calls.

I wish I had twenty million dollars so I would never have to work again.

I realize that’s not very deep, I just like sleeping late and having free time.

I wish women would stop trying to get me to dance at weddings.

Do I look like MC Hammer to you?

I wish Children would stop trying to grow up so fast -

Personal responsibility is overrated.

I wish adults would remember that teenage love is at least as intense as mature love.

I wish adults would stop worrying about who other adults love.

I wish homosexuals would get over the Antique Road Show.

If they like old things that smell funny they should volunteer at a retirement home.

I wish Democrats would stop acting like Santa Claus -

Someone has to pay for that shit.

I wish Republicans would stop acting like Scrooge -

Children don’t want to go to sleep sick and hungry.

I wish everyone would send me $1,000 so I could pay my bills and get a nice place.

I wish I could stop thinking of things to write so I could finish already.

 

And now for your moment of zen: