One of the reasons I rarely watch television news is because it's boring and formulaic.

"It turns out that Bo Jangles, the Florida man who strangled his wife three weeks ago, had a grandmother that was on the US Ski team. We'll have more on the strangulation/cat fondling story at 6,7, 9, and 11. And tommorow we'll talk to his seventh grade English teacher with some new revelations."

"I understand he won a spelling bee in 1985."

"That's right, Tina. And we'll have more information on that story  tommorow. Ok, a new study reveals that celery and carrots are good for you. The 6 month study was released Tuesday from the same team that discovered that people who get a good night's sleep are generally healthier and happier than those who spend all night at a rave, taking XTC, and having unprotected sex with strangers. Up now, Jill Brentwood talks to Kim Kardashian about gay marriage. What she says may surprise you."

"I'm here with Kim Kardashian at a fundraiser to buy fashion accessories for underpriviledged kids, as we just learned, a California judge says he will hold off on allowing gay marriage until there is time for an appeal. Kim, what are your feelings on gay marriage. Do you think it should be banned?"

"No."

"Ok, back to Tucker in New York."

"Thanks, Jill, for that revealing interview. Up next, Lindsay Lohan's shoe size has shrunk one size since she's been incarcerated. We have with us a podiatrist, Mark Spencer, to examine the issue in depth. Mark, what do you think could cause a change in shoe size like that, and should we be worried about her?"

"Thanks, Tucker. Lindsay Lohan has probably lost some weight in jail so shoes that used to fit seem too loose now. "

"What do you attribute her weight loss too?"

"A different diet. Lesbian sex. Maybe regular workouts. "

"Do you think it's any cause for concern?" 

"I've seen this before and the actresses always seemed to pull through an incarceration of this length. A better question is, how will it effect future acting roles? It could work in her favor."

"Ok, great. We have to take a break but we'll be back with cooking tips with Ellen Degenerous."

"Do you experience feminine itch? Max and Gail has the solution."

"I'm an active woman, like all women in television commercials. And like those women, I don't want my active schedule to be affected by feminine issues like bleeding, scratching or funny smells. That's why I'm here in this field of daisies, with a sweater around my shoulders pushing children on a swing while they laugh and pretend to be having fun underneath all that stage makeup. If you'e an active woman like me, and not an invalid, incapacited in some horrible way, or living in a home, forgotten and abused, being carted around in huge pantyhose with runs in them, you don't have to let crotch rot affect your active lifestyle either."

"Max and Gail. Stop the rot."

"Ok, we're back. And in Los Angeles is Ellen....."

Maybe it's time they stop pretending to tell us anything of value and just let this woman run the networks.