Since I've been reading up on the famous Wear Sunscreen speech by Mary Schmich

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/chi-schmich-sunscreen-column,0,4054576.column

it got me thinking it would be an interesting invitation to other writers to pen their advice to future graduates, serious or silly. I will try the latter:

It's an honor to speak at the Ponds Institute today, so I would like to thank Dean Mortin for inviting me.

If I could offer one bit of advice for the future, it is stock up on weapons and canned food. Maybe find a place in your parents back yard and start digging.

Oh, I realize that's not what you want to hear, having survived four years of courses in a field of your choice, now wide eyed and waiting to take on the world, but it's pretty much over for America. The water and air is shot, the food slow poison. The amount of debt, crushing.

And it's really only a matter of time before some terrorist sends an EMP missile over our shores to put us back into the stone age. Then it's really just a matter of who has the most amunition and drinkable water.

Christ, you guys are fucked. Life will be hard, but survival will be possible for the strong and fast, but only as long as you trust no one, shoot first and ask questions later, and learn how to skin a racoon. 

Oh, you might stock up on suncreen, but you're not too likely to get skin cancer living in a fallout shelter anyway, making quick night raids for food and water. Setting traps for anyone who gets too close. When the food runs out, you'll probably wind up eating them, and using their skin for belts, but for now, let's just say sunscreen is not all that important.

To the parents in the audience, you might as well spend your children's inheritance now. Maye see Europe. You're going to be the first to die when the shit hits the fan, and lets face it, you're too fat and old to run.

I bet you wish you had spent less time watching Dancing with the stars now, rather than, oh I don't know, actually dancing.  Look at the kids graduating today. Do you honestly think you can outrun them, you miserable old fucks?

Maybe if you stock up on weapons and learn to use them you can survive a few years. But let's face it, you've used up your time as it is, and you're largely responsible for the human shithole you've handed your kids anway, so suck it up. It's not like you actually deserve to live.

Anywho, good luck in your future endevaors. As for sunscreen, I don't care, buy some if you want. Why the fuck did you ask me to speak if you're not going to take my advice anyway?

On a side note, I would be willing to train some of the young women I see here, in self defense and basic survival along with a signed copy of "Surviving the Apocalypse," in exchange for sexual favors, so see me after this speech. Thank you and God speed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------

Here is a link to the submission by Gailrae:

http://open.salon.com/blog/gailrae/2010/08/21/real_and_really_real_graduation_speeches