“…OK, we’re back with acting royalty on the Feud, the Cranfords and the Lohmans. When we left off, neither team had scored so Jean and Arthur, come on up!”

“We surveyed the audience. The top 6 answers are on the board. Name something you do when you’re upset. Jean?”

“Beat my kids.”

“Do we have ‘Beat your kids?’....Oh, I’m sorry, Jean. Arthur, it’s up to you. Something you do when you’re upset. The top answers are on the board.”

“Get drunk.”

“Do we have drink? Yes, number 6 answer. Ok you want to take it or pass?”

“We’ll pass, Chuck.”

“Ok, Donny, It’s your turn. Name something you do when you’re upset.”

“Listen to Judy Garland and cry.”

“Listen to Judy Garland and cry! Oh, I’m sorry. I was sure that was up there. Jess, it’s your turn. Something you do when you’re upset.”

“Attempt suicide.”

“Attempt suicide! And the board says…Oh, I’m sorry. No. Two strikes. Rick, something you do when you’re upset.”

“Shoot heroin?”

“Do we have shoot heroin! Oh, I’m afraid not. The Lohmans will get a chance to steal. Lonny, something you do when you’re upset. Top answers are on the board.”

“Wrap my car around a tree?”

“Wrap your car around a tree! I’m sorry. And the Cranfords win this round! Stay tuned while we take a short break.”

 I have enough problems in life without having to worry about static cling….. 

“Ok We’re back. Nancy and Tom come on up. Top 7 answers are on the board. Name something you do when your boss fires you. Tom?”

“Make terroristic threats.”

“Do we have Make terroristic threats? Oh, no. Nancy, something you do when your boss fires you? Top 7 answers are on the board.”

“Steal his client list and get a new pimp.”

“Do we have steal his client list and get a new pimp? Oh, again, I’m sorry. No. The Cranfords went last time, so the Lohmans are up this time.  Susan, name something you do when your boss fires you.”

“Case a convenience store and come back after midnight.”

“Do we have Case a convenience store? Ugg, no.  Billy, something you do when your boss fires you. Top 7 answers are on the board.”

“Bust a cap in his ass?”

“Did we do that already? Terroristic threats? No? Ok. Do we have Bust a cap in his ass? Oh, I’m afraid not. And the Cranfords have a chance to steal. Jean. For the money. Something you do when your boss fires you.”

“Stalk him and cook his dog.”

(Good answer. Good answer.)

“Ok. If you’re right, you win this round. If not, the Lohmans steal. Do we have Stalk him and cook his dog! Oh, no. And the Lohman’s win. Which means they are up for the lightening round. When we come back.”

 I’m 75 years young. But when my colon starts to itch…. 

And we’re back! If you’re catching up, the Lohmans beat the Cranfords and have picked Arthur and Lonny for the lightening round.

Lonny, you’re up first. Name something you do on a Saturday night.”

“Enter rehab.”

“Name something your parents taught you about.”

“Gambling addiction.”

“Name something you buy for yourself.”

“Firearms.”

“Name someone or place you go to for advice.”

“Narcotics anonymous.”

“Name the occupation you are most qualified for.”

“Prostitution.”

“Ok lets see what the audience Said.  We asked for something you do on a Saturday night and you said Enter rehab. The audience said? Oh, nothing. We asked something your parents taught you about and you said Gambling addiction. Our audience said…Sorry. We asked something you buy for yourself, and you said, Firearms. Survey said. Oh, no. We asked who you go to for advice, and you said Narcotics anonymous. The audience said. Oh, I’m so sorry. But you still one more question. We asked you to name the occupation you are most qualified for and you said Prostitution. Do we have prostitution? No. Zero points. Ok, you still have a chance to win if your father does well, so lets bring him out, When we come back on The Family Feud!”

 Mr. Jiggles is a member of our family. So when it comes to buying dog food… 

“And we’re back. Arthur. Come on up. Lonny got no points, but you can still turn it around. Are you ready?”

“You bet, Chuck.”

“Ok. Name something you do on a Saturday night.”

“Beat my wife.”

“Name something your parents taught you about.”

“Running numbers.”

“Name something you buy for yourself.”

“A leather mask.”

“Name someone you go to for advice.”

“My drug dealer.”

“Name the occupation you are most qualified for.”

“Investment banker.”

“Ok, we’ll see what our audience said. When we come back. On the Family Feud!”