My fellow Americans. If elected I will work towards peace in the Middle East, like every President since the 1940s. I will sit down with Arab and Jewish leaders and talk over their respective differences, while trying to reach some kind of an understanding.
Probably over dinner and a little vino. The first lady will dress up and talk with the other leaders' wives with some light banter, before the men pose for photographs, shaking hands and smiling.
Then they will lob bombs at each other the following week when talks break down, while they claim to be doing it in retaliation for the others actions.
I will promise to end war as we know it. Promise to bring down the overwhelming national debt that has grown every year for a century. Talk about freedom a lot, while making sure the government has control of more and more aspects of your lives. Our autonomy surrendered to my corporate masters, I will talk about the economy and jobs while continuing to make jobs America's number one export.
I will publicly condemn spying and torture, while condoning it as actual policy. I will talk about the bright future no one is actually gullible enough to believe in anymore, then reminise about our proud past.
I will pledge support to our troops, while undermining their medical coverage, denying any toxic elements they were exposed to like spent uranium.
I will expand spending on the elderly to levels that will only work for another 15 or 20 years before we have to default on all our loans, till our Treasury bills are worth approximately the same as used Charmin.
I will promise to fix the health care system, who's rates have been triple that of general inflation and personal income, possibly even blaming pharmaceuticals and HMOs while taking money from them. I will argue with Congress and my opponents over who is going to pay for $90,000 operations and hospital stays, without ever actually addressing why they cost $90,000 in the first place.
Most people with serious heart conditions will ring up about a million dollars in operations, which will either be given away by the hospital to illegal aliens, paid for by the government or corporations, or wind up bankrupting individuals who do have good jobs, all the while telling doctors, hospital administrators, workers and their unions what a super job they are doing.
I will promise to talk about "hard working Americans" and "people on a fixed income." That is to say, people whos pay checks are the same every week, as opposed to Cher, nacrotics dealers and used car salemens, so that every American thinks I am talking about them personally.
I will pretend to care about the average American between parties in the Hamptons or Hollywood, rubbing elbows with defense contractors or celebrities, attending cookouts with anyone raising money for me - pimps, arms dealers, Neonazis, pederasts, suicide bombers, sheiks, journalists, punk rockers, fashion models, dog lovers, antiquated women's organizations talking about muskets, then kiss babies, eat hot dogs, listen to heavily armed people in suits with dark sunglasses and ear pieces, when they tell me it's time to move on. I will have Bono , Sting and Madona over for dinner and pretend to take them seriously.
I will tell you we're great but we could do better. I will smile at the camera while fantasizing about your teenage daughers. Take stimulants to get through the campaigns. Meet with foreign leaders for more dinner, photo ops and pretend they are independent and not the puppets of international bankers, oil companies and arms dealers like every other politician on the planet.
After 4 years, I will tell you things are better and I deserve another chance. If I am re-elected I will no longer have to worry what any of you think, so your teenage daughters will start to look like a distinct possibilities if I can get some time away from pretending to look after your needs.
When my second term is over, I will get a job as a secret lobbyist. Maybe write a book. Go on Charlie Rose, to talk about my memoirs. Travel to other countries at your expense, with free security for life.
Shake more hands. Lust after international models, joke with foreign leaders about who we want to bang. Maybe catch a movie on DVD when I get back. Take Viagra. Screw the wife so she doesn't notice the teenagers. Consult Henry Kissenger, like every Presiden the past 40 years. Do interviews with The New York Times. Then probably just die.
What do you think? Aren't I special? A politician with a difference? Can't you feel the change? No? Oh well.
I wonder what Pete thinks.