June 5th, 29 AD

Dear Sirs

I regret to inform you that I will not be paying full price for the pair of sheep you sold me last Tuesday on layaway. By all appearances, it seems that the male sheep has no interest in the female, no matter how much she shakes her tail.

How, exactly, am I supposed to start a herd if one of the sheep has no interest in the other? Not only is the sheep in question not interested in the female sheep, he's been trying to mount male sheep in the village, much to the consternation of neighboring sheep herders, and I can state in no uncertain terms that the other male sheep are none too pleased about this turn of events either.

Maybe you think this is funny. But I happen to have very powerful connections in the area and I suspect you won't think it's so funny when I have a plague of locusts rain down upon your head. Then we'll see how much you're laughing.

"Oh, let's pull the wool over on the Jewish man's eyes."

Very funny. I expect a replacement sheep or a discount on the amount already paid on the pair you sold me.

Peter, sheep herder, Nazareth

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July 7, 29 AD

Dear Peter

We regret to hear that you are not satisfied with the sheep you received in May. However, if you refer to page 3, paragraph 5 of your contract, you will see that all sales are final and any sheep purchased are non refundable.

I can't speak for the sexual proclivities of all our livestock, but I can suggest you use the sheep in question for lamb stew, or even sell it to a Scotsman who will find other uses for it.

As for plagues, we have a cockroach problem already, so I can't see that locusts are really going to make that much of a difference at this point.

While we appreciate your business, I am afraid you are just going to have to make due with the sheep you have, or purchase another male sheep, which, considering the circumstances, I can sell you at a 15% discount. Let me know if you are interested.

Jonah, the strong, Lebanon.

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August 15, 29 AD

Dear Asshole

15% discount? How about I discount the cane up your ass you are going to receive if I don't get a refund or replacement sheep? Don't talk to me about discounts. I buy all my goods wholesale as it is, and would have purchased sheep from my uncle, but he had just sold the last of his stock in March.

Not only will I not make lamb stew out of the lamb in question, I don't even know what a Scotsman is, and have no interest finding out. I hope you like locust soup, because you are going to be eating it for a long time, my friend. Discounted sheep, my ass.

You, Sir, shall be hearing from my attorney.

Peter, the pissed, Nazareth