"This is Larry King, talking with the Dalai Lama. Hello, Dalai."

"Hello, Larry. Great tidings of joy."

"I was talking with Dalai offset and he said he's joining Twisted Sister. I tried to join The Insane Clown Posse but they said I was too old."

"I said I missed my sister."

"I once kissed my sister, but it felt wrong. She let me get to second base though. There are laws against that. Except in Arkansas, where it's socially acceptable."

"I said, I missd my sister, Larry, not kissed my sister."

"Whatever floats your boat.  What do you say to your detractors, like my plumber, who calls you a zipperhead, and slant-eyed fudge-packer in a dress."

"I am a simple man who dresses simply. If other's have trouble accepting me, that may reflect the unhappiness in their own lives."

"You don't have to convince me, Dalai. That's what my wife's always telling me. She's one heck of a gal. Sometimes she dresses like Dorris Day, then smears peach yogurt on me. I don't know if she likes the taste or the tactile sensation, but it sure feels nice. Have you ever smeared a little yogurt down your pants, Dalai?"

"I'm afraid not."

"Ever eaten human flesh?"

"No, Larry."

"What do you think the Giants chances are this year?"

"I don't really follow sports, Larry. I believe in cooperation, not competition."

"Suit yourself.  I guess Eastern mysticism is not for everyone, though I've experimented over the years. I did some crazy things when I was younger. Smoked peyote. Got into a three way with Bella Abzug and Deforrest Kelly. Ever been in a a three way with Deforrest Kelly?"

"No, Larry."

"I don't recommend it."

"I'll take that into consideration."

"How is your health?"

"Great, Larry."

"I just went in for a colonoscopy, myself. It felt like I was being cornholed by an elephant."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Well, that's all the time we have. Up next, I'll be talking with Lindsay Lohan about  NASA, and the second law of thermodynamics. Thanks for dropping by, Dalai."

"Thanks, Larry. Be gentle on yourself"

"I always do."