Tonight was Larry King's last night on Larry King Live. He's an institution. One that's hard to escape from, though many have tried. Why has he lasted so long? Hutzpah, honesty, authenticity, and decades of selfless interviews. He was the real thing.
"This is Larry King Live, signing in one last time. With us tonight, Barbara Walters, Ozzy Osbourne, Dr Phil, Diane Sawyer, Bill Clinton, Kim Jong Il, The Unibomber, Donald Trump, Ryan Seacrest, Bill Maher, Regis Philbin, Thomas Jefferson...what? Thomas the Train? Tom Wolf, Tina Turner, Tommy Twotone, Tanya Tucker, my cat, Buzz Aldrin, Buzz Lightyear, Darth Vadar, Jack the Ripper, Jack Kennedy, Jack Daniels, Ivanna Jackoff.
My first guest is Bill Clinton who is also in the Zipper Club, right Bill? "
"Yes, but don't tell my wife."
"I keep getting caught in mine."
"That sounds painful. Anyway, I just wanted to come on one last time and say goodbye Larry. "
"Thanks Bill. Barbara Walters, whats your take on this, my last night?"
"I'm gwad, but awso sad, Wawy."
"You shouldn't be, Barbara. No one can do this forever."
"Don't I know it. Either my guests are getting dumber, or I am, Warry."
"I think we all know the answer to that one, Babs. Up next, the Ozzman cometh. Ozzy Ozborne. The egg man. The Ozzinator. Ossifer Osbourne. I'll stop the world and melt with you!"
"Thanks Larry. Ig nick dawn pleg, arg nu."
"That's what I keep telling my kids, Ozzy. You should write a book."
"Ik nen, Larry. Arg fol terg. Yeman."
"You too, Ozzy. You too. I see Donald Trump here. My producer tells me you brought me a gift."
"The Trump jock strap and adult diaper, Larry. I use it myself. 100% silk, with the Trump logo in gold trim. It's a classic, Larry. I'm sorry to see you go."
"At least I can go in style now, Donald. Much thanks."
"I'd also like to promote my new show, Extreme Combovers. It should take reality television to the next level, and pick up where The Antique Road Show left off."
"Glad to hear it. Darth Vadar....What? I'm sorry, James Earl Jones. Welcome to the show."
"It's my pleasure. And an honor, Larry. You've informed and entertained us for many years."
"And you helped defend out country in Desert Storm."
"What? Uh, I think you're thinking of Colin Powell."
"Whatever, Darth. It's good to have you on. Bill Maher, did you have something to say?"
"Only that it's great to have the real thing in a land with so many blowhards and assholes, right Dr Phil?"
"Uh, are you talking to me?"
"No, Ryan Seacrest. Another 'informative' personality. Anyway, I just wanted to say bye to Larry. So many people go on an on with questions, but not him."
"Thanks, Bill. A good journalist keeps it about the guest. Anderson Cooper?"
"Hi, Larry. I just wanted to talk about the time I was 5, and what my father said, back when I was living on the Vanderbilt Estate, long before I was an intern for the CIA. My father sung me a song. I still remember that song like it was yesterday, and I remember the look on my mother's face when my father sang it. This was quite a few years ago, before I started masturbating to Popular Mechanics. And I distinctly remember, that is, I think I remember...."
So long, Larry.