The background is here:

http://open.salon.com/blog/jimmymac1025/2009/10/31/a_day_in_court

Merry Christmas, Jimmiemac. Here's hoping for a hopeful New Year while we are at it.

Some very astute observations Jimmy, ones I can relate to for sure. I hope rehab will work, just remember it is all "one day at a time".

My son is facing 12-14 years now, after several long rehabs...I don't get it, probably never will.

Please enjoy this Christmas with her if you can. (((Hugs)))

o'stephanie--How nice to hear from you. As to New Year, I need to stay in the now. Lots can happen between now and then. So much drama in my house.

BuffyW--The results aren't up to us, are they? Stay well. Hugs right back.

Jimmy, I hope your holiday can be peaceful. Having walked at least half a mile in your shoes and with my favorite bipolar daughter all but sucking the air out of each room she enters I empathize.
At least now she is amenable to redirection and distraction. And I really really get that we don't get to choose? Like what the heck would you and I be doing if we weren't doing this, so best not to fight the wind.

Patie--I like the advice not to fight the wind. Better to adjust the sails.

jimmymac, I was just over at grif's post, thinking about early sobriety, and about how miserable I once was, and about how now I've never been happier, even if I am struggling with pain and how many pills I can safely take.
I admire the hell out of what you're doing. It sounds to me like you're doing it right. Talking about it, writing about it, admitting to the crazy thoughts in your head, loving your kid, letting her own what she's done even if it's killing you, helping her get well. I hope you have a fantastic holiday. And I hope that 2010 brings her peace and sobriety and you, well I hope that 2010 brings you all manner of great things.

At least he got her attention. Here's wishing for a good Christmas and a miraculous outcome of treatment. I agree. God is everything.

When I was a bit younger, I had an epiphany of sorts: it seemed that G-d was everything when I had nothing, and G-d was nothing when I had everything. Made me realize that I had to look a bit farther than the end of my nose if I wanted to really figure out what life was about.
The catch about helping others is this: You don't get to choose.
Yup. That's what I found out. Even though my story had nothing to do with recovery or sobriety. Same lesson, and unless I'm mistaken we had the same teacher. :-D

Merry Christmas my friend. I know you have some hard work ahead of you, but may you find peace, love and joy this holiday season. Keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.

finger--I know a lot of people who have to take pills, and I've read your post about that. Nothing scares me more. Currently I only have to deal with the lunacy in my head, which is enough. I haven't posted much about this out of respect to her privacy, but I write in my journal a lot. Just wanted my friends on OS to know what's been going on.

Neilpaul--All these years and I've never heard that. It's typical of the gritty realism which defines your wonderful writing. Thank you.

DeliaBlack--I think we got real lucky with this judge pulling her case. It was really just a criminal case, no drugs directly involved. He allowed me to testify as to the reasons behind her behavior and has made treatment the focus of her probation, thereby pushing her onto the path of self-care and responsibility.

I recently started attending an unusual group, not really connected to the fellowship. It's called "A Course in Miracles." The book is about ten thousand pages long and we read about three grafs each meeting. There are a couple of guys who I helped get started who have zoomed past me in terms of peace of mind and serenity. They say this is where they got it, so here I am.

I devoutly hope that you have a very Merry Christmas and that she finds the God that is in her.

Jimmymac: you are a wonder. You're so right: you have to choose, and you don't get to choose. Hope you have peace this holiday. Much love from south on I-65.

Wishing you joy this Christmas.

Merry Christmas. I hope you find some of the peace and love you deserve with your family this year.

Wishing you unexpected blessings this season . . . and of course, peace on earth . . .

All best to you and yours at this difficult time. I can scarcely imagine how it must be...

Jimmy..I hope all can be resolved for her and for you. Your intellect and talent can balance you to an extent..some through us, your colleagues..I am sorry, I am sounding preachy...I get that way from concern of people I admire so much.

Merry Christmas to you man....

oh, those court days. What families go through.

I like Paul, a lot. Big lesson there for all of us. Thanks for writing this piece right now, in the now.

All the best to you and your family.

Bill S.--An epiphany can be a good thing. Wish I didn't need them so often.

AtHome--Backatcha.

Frank--If I have something to give, I should go ahead and give it to whomever. If she wants it, she'll find it.

Scupper--Thank you. Peace.

NoisyNora--Nice that all four of us will be, um, available. Hope your home is happy and warm.

Owl--Thank you. Just got an unexpected blessing. If anything else unexpected hapens, I just hope it doesn't involve the police.

Jimmy,
Incredible writing. You pulled my heart right out of its comfort zone - breaking it to care so deeply for you and yours - as well as for anyone of us who have faced seasons in our life like this.

The small epiphanies that we’re granted sometimes make their way into the hearts of others. You certainly effected that here.

Rated and appreciated.

I have no words. I'm just going to take your wisdom and say thank you.
Merry Christmas buddy.

The line before Merry Christmas brought a tear to my eye. Hope is a good thing, even when it turns out differently than you planned.

I really do wish you a Merry Christmas

Myriad--Imagine a knot of fear and dread in the pit of your stomach that sometimes rises up into your throat at unexpected times and dominates your thinking all day all night. They say anger is fear in disguise and they are right. Feels better to be angry about the shithead friends than to stay scared, and after this kind of fear, anger brings great relief. Finally! I can DO something about this. Action! To Arms! Die, Infidel! This is why for some the need for faith is not a casual thing. Thank you for writing.

Gary--It felt good to write about it again, finally. I've tried to be careful to focus on me, rather than her, which is why I haven't posted much lately. The idea of blogging daily about someone else's recovery is kind of obscene. I think I can write in a way that respects her privacy and allows me to be among my friends. Thank you.

waking--Paul is indeed a good man. I stand about six feet, 230 pounds, and he's bigger than me and was a champion collegiate wrestler. I think I intentionally surround myself with guys like that. When he shows up in my driveway and says we're going, I don't really want to argue with him.

Merry Christmas for you and your loved ones, my friend. And a new year filled with peace.

Dennis--Your last line, "You certainly effected that here," made me pause. I've never seen recovery or redemption or whatever you wish to call it depicted in a way that I have experienced it. Artists love the drama of the first month, hell, I don't even remember mine. It's the long, slow, trudge. Constantly being humbled, constantly slacking off then recommitting, forever being forced to find something positive to do, even if that action doesn't directly address the problem I would like to solve. I thought when I came to Open Salon I might be able to convey some of this. If you think I have, then I am extremely gratified.

MJ--It's just a Touch of Grey. Merry Christmas.

marcelleqb--Acceptance is everything. It's not my world. Not by a long shot. Thank you.

One of the central beliefs in New Thought or Religious Science is that God is All There Is. I shorthand that to 'GIATI', particularly when I need to remind myself. God is an asshole sometimes: God as me. Fortunately there is this other little thing I try to keep in mind: I forget and then I remember. Remember. Forget. Remember. Forget. Remember. My job, as far as I can tell, is to increase the frequency and duration of the time I remember until forgetting is like the 'on' button for remembering.

Merry Christmas Jimmy.

Dr. Susanne--We crazies do like our acronyms, don't we? Pain pushes my remember button. I get so miserable I return to the only thing that's ever worked. I suppose I could recognize it and respond more quickly. I'll probably stick to my way. Yours makes too much sense. Thank you and Merry Christmas.

This is heart breaking both for you and your daughter. It's just hard enough raising kids and hoping they survive their youth and early addictions. When they get tangled up in the "system," we are so helpless to smoothe things over as we could when they were under our roof.
God bless you and give you extra parental strength to help her through this time. Blessings for a turnaround this holiday season.

This post hits very close to home - I have a sixteen year old niece who will be in rehab over Christmas, but I do not think she is at all ready to choose sobriety. I hope Rose will continue to be successful in her recovery, and that you can find some peace this Christmas. I love the acronym that Dr. S. F. mentioned - GIATI.

Best wishes as you continue this rocky path. My hope is that one day it will be smoother for both of you. Merry Christmas and have a blessed New Year.

Wishing you strength & peace in your soul ('cause I know you have one) this season and throughout the new year.

:-)

Cindy--Thank you. Important to take care of yourself no matter his outlook. Rose started down this road six or seven years ago. If I hadn't taken care of myself, I would not be much use to her now.

Lea---Thanks, and Merry Christmas to you.

Harvey--Thank you.

Just Cathy--The system has worked well for us. I provided information to the police. The cop assured me it was the right thing to do and he was right:

"You tried to get her in rehab. We'll make her go. You tried to keep her on her meds, we'll make her take them. You tried to make her come home at night. We'll make her come home at night."

I'm involved with a lot of parents in similar situations. They all wish their kid would get arrested.

dusty--Sixteen is pretty young. But the kids entering recovery get younger every year. She can find peers who are straightening out. I think this is a recent thing, due in large part to law enforcement seeing success with rehab over incarceration. They used to be reluctant to arrest kids, unless the crime gave them no choice. Not anymore.

Also, check out Dr. Freeborn's blog. She has a lot to offer.

Stim--Thanks, and same to you and yours.

spotted--Interesting observation. The soul doesn't get much attention these days. I remember a nun drawing an outline of a guy. She named all the usual sins, (talking back to nuns, for one) and each time covered up part of a circle inside the guy on the blackboard. Being a bright boy, I figured the sins would be gone when I pooped, so I didn't worry about them too much. I've since learned a lot from a guy who refers to our condition as soul sickness. I don't think the nun was right--the soul as some sort of scoreboard--but I do think there is more to us than we can adequately describe. A link, perhaps. Some kind of connection. When it gets cut off, we get sick.

It is so hard when you can clearly see the road ahead. You yell the warnings, throw up your arms, frantically wave. They turn up the radio and push down the accelerator. It is such an old bad movie. I hope you find peace and time to write. I think Jimmy,we are the same in that we have learned that making up scenarios is a helluva lot more fun than dealing with real life ones. My suffering is an irritation; others, like your daughter's I can barely look at anymore.

jimmiemac, two things on this post strike me in particular. First, you say this:

"Do I actively seek the peace of God's love?"

Then this:

"I've helped a few guys out over the years. "

I think those are the same thing. "For inasmuch as you have done it to the least of these, my brethren, you have done it unto me."

"So which is it? Is God everything or is God nothing?"

Ultimate questions are ultimately unanswerable, save that each of us provides our own answer with our life. Sounds like you've provide a suitable answer.

Jimmy, your writing is getting better and better.

The muscles in this are everywhere. The terse, high-impact declarations, the brusque transitions, the details, the command you have. The fearlessness at revealing yourself: your helplessness, your history, impulses; your possibilities, dark as they are.

I know the source of some of the power in this post is your anguish, selective resignation, and determination to soldier ahead with your daughter. Your anger is hair-raising and completely understandable. Your good decisions are evident, as hard as they are to make.

But I want to say: your writing is superlative, focused, and the work of a real artist.

Dr. Spud--So nice to hear from you. I know you've seen a lot of this, though I don't know if it's your own blood or if that matters. I did want to look away, for nearly a year and a half after I pushed her out the door of my home, knowing the crash was coming, and just hoping she lived to tell the tale. And yeah, writing about porno vampire cards is more fun.

jane--Thank you and Merry Christmas to you and yours. I need my tough friends. It's not easy to tell a grown man what to do, but it's sort of in the job description for these guys.

Procopious--Looking out for one another is in our nature. It's when we get scared we retreat to the foolish belief that what we need is behind walls designed to keep others out.

Tom--Just works better than anything else I've known. Thank you and warmest holiday wishes.

Greg--Thank you. I cut hell out of this, eliminating the clutter, however interesting, that didn't have to be there. The judge, the dark thoughts, the friends, and back to court. Boom!

Much love to you and yours.

Man, Jimmy. Life is tough and then we go ahead and make it tougher on ourselves and those around us. No one gets through it unscathed, but sometimes pain can be a powerful motivator. I hope the best for you and your daughter. You'll both have to be tough to get through this, but the choice is ultimately her's. Faith and strength and help from others will be required.

Your friend is a wise man. It's hard when the pain is so close to your heart.

Best of luck with all of this and I wish you the Merriest Christmas you can have under these circumstances.

I think so too my friend.

I have been the kid, and the wife, but I cannot imagine going through this as the parent. I remember my dad wanting to cut off the heads of my friend/dealers and put them on stakes in the yard. He wrote a book in which he decapitated my then boyfriend in a car accident. He did not have a program. You do and it is very apparent that you work it well. Merry Christmas to you and your family. XO M B

Michael--There are lots of parents in this country going through the same thing. I'm a big fan of support groups. They can get the first timer up to speed on our collective experience. I've learned a lot from others who share their time and experience no charge.

Chicago Guy--Peace and love to you and yours.

MB--I understand what went into your father's head and why I can't let that stuff stay there. It's dangerous and toxic. Great to hear from you. Merry Christmas.

Even in the comment-thread you can throw out a humdinger of a line: "Being a bright boy, I figured the sins would be gone when I pooped, so I didn't worry about them too much."
I know I spend too much time at that point and at other end-points you describe all too well here, like the anger, the forgetting, the shutting down. Like Neilpaul said, 'It's easier to pass on the disease than the cure. ' So I'll keep coming back to your posts and remembering.

I hope you and Rose and the rest of your family have a peaceful Christmas and I wish you all the courage it takes in the New Year.

Humbled again and again, and then just when I think I've got it, even more! There is a terrible power in honesty. You wield it so well. All best, HB

I know others have experienced poor judgement by judges. In my limited experience, I have been exposed to wise men. This judge sounds like he is thoughtful, and actively interested in your daughter's well-being. I am grateful for him, and for all the love, strength, energy, and will-ingness everyone in this story is pouring into your daughter, including your daughter. And the tears. And the swearing. All of it. Thank you for doing it. Here's to your good health in 2010....Annie

Jim - thanks for sharing your painful truths here. For what it's worth, you are doing the right thing. Period. Without you and your limits, Rose has no chance at all. Hopefully, the light will come on for her one of these days, and very soon. You know that you did not cause her alcoholism nor can you cure it. You can and are however supporting God's will for her to be happy, joyous and free. Hang tough friend. There is hope for her as there is for allof us.
Peace to you and yours this holiday season.

Someone told me that nobody said life was easy. No kidding. I never met anyone who actually thought it was. Kind of a straw man argument that is full of the kind of pious certitude that we all get trapped into now and then.

So, yeah, life is messy. And the more we decide to be something more than would a couch potato or turnip, choose your vegetable, the messier it gets.

And human love conquers a lot of that messiness. But it can't conquer it all. And so there is the God thing. I have found that the messiness I can't conquer and really can't abide, the messes that I can't fix try as I might, that God thing comes in handy.

After I have beaten my head against a brick wall long enough I turn those messes over to him (her?) and try to get back to living some other messy part of life instead of the one eating at me.

Which is to say that you are doing what you know Rose needs, whether or not she knows it, and that is messy. So where do YOU turn while it eats you up?

And there is that God thing again.

Yep. God is everything.

Bless you and yours this Christmas.

Monte

Thinking of you today. I hope that it was a merry -- or at least a peaceful -- Christmas for all of you. Hopefully better times are ahead.

psychomama--I'm usually not so expansive in the comments after a post but it felt great to hang around with friends this time. Always delighted to hear fom you and hope your season is warm and safe.

Hells Bells--I get it. I'm so humble sometimes I brag about it. Ha!

Annimal--I shudder to think of the Greylord Gang who worked around here years ago, and how many people didn't get the attention they deserved. This guy is a real pro. Thank you.

Grif--Hope you and your are enjoying the holiday season. Thank you for your kind words.

Monte--A friend asks me, "What's is front of you for the next hour? Worry about that and nothing else."

Keeps it a manageable mess.

Lisa--We had a scrum yesterday, but finally got to my brother's house and spent the night there. Just got back. Grateful I was able to enjoy the warmth of their love and leave everything else aside. It was a good day. Much peace to you and yours.

I did not read this initially when you posted because it is too close to my heart. But I read it tonight and, as your tag said, oh shit. I wish there were a way to make it easier--for them or for us, just easier, y'know?

You're a courageous man and a courageous parent, Jimmymac. Not being a parent, I can't pretend to know all that you're feeling except what you have so clearly written about, here. I just feel lucky that my family seems inclined to nothing worse but periodic bouts of depression. A friend of my mother's who has a very troubled adult son came visiting on Christmas Eve and we had a lovely time mentioning what we hoped for in the coming year. Dorothea hoped that her son would have the courage to stick it out in treatment down in Los Angeles. Partially to help him, and partially because having him 400 miles away made her daily life so much easier. She had been through therapy in which more than one therapist had warned her to cut her ties to her son, but as she stated "Turning my back on Teddy and cutting him off is not an option." I'm sure she could empathize with your feelings toward your daughter right now. I hope things will work out, and that the miracle will become more evident, and the blood and screaming will become less so.

I’ve been gone awhile (since August I think), but it sure is nice to check back in and find you here...and writing.

Compelling: Her flailings, failings, get under your skin... as a part of you and your you-ness, that is. I've thought about the regret, and perceived failure, but not that.

mypsyche--It's not supposed to be easy, I guess, but I've met a lot of folks in al-anon who have a better handle on it than me. I am resolved to learn from them.

Shiral--Never a good idea to take options off the board. Ke, sera, sera, and all that, whatever will be will be. The tricky part for me is that she is now responding to treatment, getting better, and I am disappointed this means she will stay here and not go to jail for a while. I think sometimes we just decide we don't deserve to be happy and that's that. I'm working on it.

David--Always great to hear from you. Happy New Year.

Connie--The only thing that's supposed to under my skin is me. No wonder this is uncomfortable.

I read this on the day you posted it. I sat and stared at it and I cried and wailed. I wanted to comment but I couldn't. To echo so many others on here, this was too close to my heart. My son spent Christmas in jail. He has been there since December 8 and won't get out until January 20. The judge we drew when this all started 2 1/2 years ago has apparently seen too much and has little patience for second chances. A missed surcharge payment last month somehow canceled out my son's performance while on probation for the last 2 1/2 years. So the judge gave him 45 days in county (Harris county - statistically one of the worst jails in the country) and added a year to his probation. He wanted to send him to prison for 2 years - thank God for the lawyer, he was worth every penny.
So, we were happy with 45 days in county. I think God is everything, too.

It sounds so trite to say that I feel your pain, but I do. And my heart breaks for you. You're a good dad. I've been praying for you and your daughter.

(I'm sorry for the length of this comment.)

I feel for you as well and please don't apologize for anything. I hear every word and know why you wrote them. I'm queasy writing so close to home. But having disfunction in the family can be isolating. A warm touch of a friend is welcome. Sorry about your son. I hope Rose gets better and avoids it. We both need to know we didn't cause it.

What a great post--wish I had found it sooner. Rated.

My favorite acronym my first year of sobriety was AFGO. It's what happens every time you get pissed, sad, lonely or you know, just generally NOT HAPPY. It stands for Another Fucking Growth Opportunity.

Nowadays my AFGO's aren't daily or weekly events. Sometimes I'll go a month or two -- but you know what? If I don't have one I get bored. I get into a rut. That's when I have to go searching for something to get me going.

Thank you for reading my post -- it lead me here. I reckon my 12-step days aren't over either. It's a maintenance program, that's all.

skelentwmn--If you ever run out of AFGO's you can have some of mine. I'm overstocked.

Again such a powerful story. Breathtaking in it's realism. I have been down all of those paths with loved ones and myself. The journey eventually begins even if that journey ends completely
RATED