A few posts bounced around yesterday about the attributes which render men or women desirable at a certain age.
Me, I'm a Cheap Trick song with a typo. I want girls who want me. I like girls who like me. Though no longer intent on validation through sex, I still crave the approval of women. So the attributes which attract me to them have less to do with physicality and more to do with eye contact, warmth and a gift for the art of conversation, so at least one of us will possess that skill.
*******
There was a very pretty girl named Patty, who caught my eye back in junior high. And one day she walks right over to me in the cafeteria, sits her tiny butt down next to me on the formica-topped bench. She's touching me as she leans in and raises a hand against her mouth so as to flumox the lip-readers sitting across from us.
"Did you know Janet likes you?"
"Uhmmm. No."
"Well she does! You like her, don't you?"
"Sure. Janet's nice."
I checked out Janet across the room, blush blooming among she and the trio of tittering tender hearts who surrounded her.
"I knew it! I could just tell. I think you two are gonna be soooo cute."
It was one of those societally manufactured relationships whose participants had little to do with its formation. Next thing I knew, Janet and I are in the park behind the Rec Center on Friday night making out.
What had happened? Well, chances are, Janet didn't "like" me any more that I "liked" her. There is, thankfully, a certain subset of kids in the adolescent orbit who seem to have no trouble meeting up, making out, whatever. They seem loathe to watch their friends not have a horse to ride on this merry-go-round, sort of like Alicia Silverstone in "Clueless." So they play matchmaker, they prompt, they nudge and before you know it, Jim and Janet are making out in the woods.
This would not have happened had it not been for the earnest efforts of Patty. She gave me "clearance to approach," so to speak. She removed rejection from the equation. In granting me this "pre-approval," she did everything but shove our faces together into liplock.
Before moving on the the point of this post, attraction and what it feels like today, indulge me for a moment while I explain the scoring system as it existed in those days. Invariably, when Janet and I returned to our respective packs in the roller rink, I would be interrogated as to what had transpired. The shorthand was simply this. First base as kissing. Second, feeling breasts. Third involved sticky fingers and a home run was never described because who the hell ever accomplished such a feat in sixth grade.
One thing I recall with great clarity was that this was usually described by males as a zero-sum game, i.e., "What'ja get off her?" As if sex was something a male took from a female, as if I had slyly reached into her purse and swiped one stick of Juicy Fruit, two sticks or three. Seems there might have been one adult somewhere in our Catholic universe to state simply that boys and girls like touching each other, and that this is a very good thing. There wasn't, but that's a post for another day.
So what traits do I now--at age 54 and having been married for 24 years--find attractive in a woman? I won't pretend physicality does not enter the picture, but it captures only one dimension. Some movie critics argue for a return to black-and-white filmaking because the brightness of color, particularly the spashy kind that first replaced b&w, blinded the viewer from seeing a film's heart, if it had one, or it's lack of a heart, if it lacked one.
Cannot the same logic be applied to women? Was I not, as a young fool, blinded into chasing after a lifetime of nubile nitwits and ne'er-do-wells, or in one instance both in one stunning body when she stole a check and attempted to cash it for a thousand dollars, as if my college-era checking account ever contained half that. The clerk called the cops, she was arrested, and she called and asked me to bail her out.
I still gawk at times, but I no longer pursue, and speaking of which, pursue what, exactly? I have found that the best times in a marriage often follow the worst, that after splashing around in the self-pity pool for few days I dry off in the sunshine of gratitude for not having acted on my compulsions. My spouse seems to be happy with me when I am happy with myself.
So why all the bother about what I find attractive in a woman, if the attraction contorts me so? I think this describes my own need to describe, but first, another digression. Do men become more attractive when they get married? Methinks this is a broad generalization of the width kind, not gender, which contains an inch of truth here and there. Does a woman really think that he cheats on his wife with her only? Or that, even if he does, he will not repeat the pattern once he and she have settled into the routine of monagomy? Or maybe she just figures he's housebroken at least and won't wipe his dick off on the curtains like the last guy?
The way I figure it, a man in love is simply more comfortable around women, more relaxed, more confident and probably less likely to drool and leer. Hence, his perception that women seem to like him more, now that he is ostensibly unavailable. The junior high fear of rejection has again been removed from the equation. This is what frees him from the Technicolor glare of physical attraction and allows him to see other qualities that were heretofor secondary.
He can peer and hear sharply. He no longer needs to impress in order to garner attention, nor concern himself with the bashing of antlers that so often surrounded such endeavors. He can listen to her and respond without amplification. These heightened senses allow him to detect a women who is comfortable in her own skin, someone with stories to tell, songs to enjoy and laughter to share, a woman with no expectations for anything but the same in return.
And during the course of an unforced conversation he will notice all of it, the different parts, maybe a whiff of perfume, and his imagnation will tingle. He'll sense it, feel it, and know that life is good because it no longer owns him. He's been accepted, however casually, and the subconsious need for female approval has been sated.
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Comments
I really like the honesty of this post. There is a depth here but much more like the analogous comment about the colour film blinding the viewer from the heart of the film. Nice work.
I have always felt that too many people, men included, buy into the idea that men primarily respond to what they see. I also wish that more men would understand that the ability to express themselves the way that you have here is...well, sexy. I really like this post.
Lezlie
Confidence is a huge attraction, and this is usually gotten with age...experience. Well written Jimmy.
R
BuffyW--Desire feels different now, but it is still powerful. So much of what we read is about how we aren't as young and strong and beautiful as we were. Okay, we aren't. Nor are we as dumb and self-absorbed and terrified. I like where I am now.
Chuck--Sometime we actually get where we were going and can stop running.
Sally--And you, young lady, make delightful conversation. Thank you.
Thank you.
R
junk1--I read the 12&12 regularly, especially page 42 where it says "Our desires for sex...often tyrannize us....Nearly every serious emotional problem can be seen as misdirected instinct."
But it doesn't have to stay that way. So happy to hear from you.
Monsieur--A pleasure and a privilege.
I do think the "men and women of a certain age" factor comes into play quite nicely, as well, because I've been around much younger, married men who still seem to be playing the field, as they don't seem to have found that realm of being comfortable in their own skin. Age must be part of the equation, from what I can tell.
Excellent post, Jimmy. Loved it.
Rated for making me think.
My girlfriends have always liked my husband this way. It goes a long way to validating my choice in a mate and he gained some excellent friends in the deal too. It's so wise that you understood this so clearly.
Your clear, down-to-earth writing is a gift. I can't help believing it's a reflection of the man you are -- you've got what men would call a no-bullshit attitude and what the women who have commented here call sexy.
My only experience is with that first group, which is also the group that needs to do more that admire something simply because of what it lacks. That's a pretty juvenile way of looking at thing, you ask me. Your posts always reflect not only thoughtfulness but thoughtfulness combined with heart. They're the writings of a grown-up, and that's what I admire about them.
When I was single, I used to have a hard time having male friends. Now that I'm married and less worried with how "scorable" I appear, I have many male friends. I treasure these relationships but never understood why it was so much easier to develop these friendships later in life than earlier. Now, thanks to you, I understand.
Your patience, kindness and silent support speaks volumes to me, Jimmy. I hope we have another chance to have a normal conversation, if there is such a thing. I am really not as flighty or withdrawn as I must have seemed to you. That was not my best impression to say the least. Thank goodness you and Mary were there with me. It was horrible. Please accept my sincere thanks for being the best friend any stranger has ever been to me.
lol@ procopius. he's right tho!
rated.
I've been up all night and just had to read this post before going to bed. I'm in a semi-hallucinatory state and I find I don't know what this sentence means. I've never known anyone who "cheated." I've known guys who were married and fell in love with someone else, or got horny, or were bored. They never, to my knowledge, said, "I feel like cheating, cheating is fun." I suppose there are some men (since we're talking about men, but women, too) who get off on the "cheating" aspect, the rebellion and the flouting of the rules, like kids who go to the trouble of writing cheat notes on their shoe for the final exam. It seems folks that use the term "cheat" to mean an affirmative act, and I think it's usually a passive one, the failure to inhibit behavior and conform to the rules. Cheating is what you don't do, not what you do, as far as I can tell, as an alien trying to decipher the earthlings.
I love the description of the man in a good relationship, and while I have to confess I don't understand the concept of being attracted to an unavailable man, I can see how a guy could become much more grounded, therefore more attractive, if he was happily involved.
I was riffing a bit here, and, truth be told, the second half of that paragraph was constructed as a home for its last line, which I thought was cool and wanted to use somewhere. You busted me for some lazy writing, and for that I thank you.
Thanks for the perspective.
And for putting lie to the notion that all men are bastards.
it gets very complicated but if marriage keeps you safe that is a good reason for being there for twenty four years.