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Does the fact that your identity can be hidden make it okay to be an asshole, not just on OS, but anywhere? And what does this level of anger and aggression cost all of us? 

I’ve been pondering this for awhile, not just in relation to OS, but in relation to other avenues of my life. Do we have a moral responsibility to not direct our rage, ignorance, and anger at others? People talk about blowing off steam, getting it out of their system etc., but when it leaves us, where does “it” go? If you unload on some poor call centre operator, blow up at your spouse, or flame some poor blogger you don’t even know, haven’t you just shifted your crap on to them?  

As a former full blown road-rager, I think about this a lot when I am driving. Toronto’s highways are among the busiest in North America, and that means traffic jams, stress, and idiots with licenses. It used to be that I never made a car trip when I didn’t flip someone the bird, let out an endless string of expletives, or question someone’s competence to coexist with me on this planet. Of course, I did all this from inside the safety and anonymity of my car. It had no effect on them, and it let me blow off my steam. No harm, no foul, right? 

Before I reformed my ways, it seemed that every time I drove somewhere I was always amazed at how many complete assholes were on our roads. It was like they gave out licenses like bubble gum cards, and they were all on the road with ME, in front of ME, beside ME, blocking ME...ME…ME…ME. You may recognize your own driving style in this description. Or perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of someone like ME, and you can appreciate how this interaction affects the poor sap on the receiving end. Imagine the domino effect of this.  

Poor stressed out, sleep deprived Mom manages to feed the kids, walk the dog and get out the door with just enough time to make it to work without being late. All things considered, she’s having an okay day, and then bang, the driver from hell comes up behind her with horns blaring and middle fingers waving from the safety and anonymity of the car, effectively blowing her OK mood out the window. So, she yells at him and then arrives at work and yells at someone else, who takes it out on someone else, who eventually goes home and beats his kids.  

Plausible?  

Entirely. 

The beginning of the end of my road rage days came partially thanks to a coworker. He was a real hard core road rage case. Listening to him rant and rave about other drivers every morning provided me with a horrifying look at myself.  

I continued evolving into a different kind of driver while driving through rush hour to get to my weekly meditation class. Over the years, my “driving” persona and my “meditation” persona were becoming more polarized to the point that I could no longer rationalize this behaviour. Thanks to the endless traffic, I had lots of time to observe and think about how my actions may be affecting others and my own state of mind. There finally came a point when I could no longer flip someone the bird one minute and then start chanting myself into a state of Zen when I arrived at my destination a few minutes later.  

Eventually, while travelling home from meditation and being all Zenned-out, I started to slow down and observe things more carefully. I stopped trying to be the fastest car on the road and driving in the left lane and I discovered something pretty fascinating. I found that life is very different in the centre lane. There are huge gaps in the otherwise dense traffic where you can hang out for miles, safely, with no other cars around you for hundreds of yards.  

More importantly, when I stopped being the aggressor, all the other aggressors disappeared instantly. In the calm of the centre lane exists mostly polite, courteous people who wave you through and brake a little to give you access to the exit ramp. It is a little piece of secret heaven that only some of us know about, but like a magic castle, it only appears when you slow down and are ready to see it. 

This is where the question of anonymity comes in. If, like the old me, you scream, swear, and gesture at other drivers on a regular basis, ask yourself this question: would you do the same if you were walking behind them in the mall, or if your name, address and phone number were prominently displayed on the outside of your car?  

It is the same question we can ask ourselves here on OS.  

We have a mix of bloggers; some choose full exposure by using their real name and photo, others choose to slightly disguise themselves behind false (ish) names and quirky avatars, and then there are the totally anonymous, some with unsettling avatars. In general, those who post as themselves (e.g., Monte Canfield, Lisa Kerns, Freaky Troll) all maintain a certain posture of decency and compassion. They read and craft careful, caring comments and tend to push the ensuing dialogue in a positive direction. Sure, they disagree with posts, but they assume the best of the person and act accordingly. These folks are the jewels of OS, and they will never need to be ashamed of anything they have written here.  

The people that use their real name and picture almost without question are the people who not only garner the most respect here on OS, but who also work on maintaining an online image that they would be proud to show their mother. Of course, because this is the Internet, I don’t really know whether Lisa Kern is really Joe the Plumber and her avatar is a picture she snagged off Classmates.com. Same with Monte Canfield, for all I know, he is a 20-year old who is presently incarcerated for drug trafficking. But a certain amount of gut instinct tells me they are who they say they are. And Freaky Troll, well, if she’s real enough for Joan, then she’s real enough for me. 

In recent days, there has been a lot of discussion about whether this site is a community (what the users feel) or just a place to publish content (what the powers that be say). The beauty of the Web 2.0 world is that it is the users have the final say on how a site will evolve. We have the real power to morph this site into whatever we want it to be simply by how we act and interact. The Internet is evolving, and along with it, the way we choose to use it.

Yesterday’s tribute to Karen Novak really shone a very positive light on the power of a site like this to create a supportive community of like-minded individuals. It certainly made me want to stick around for awhile and get to know a few more people. 

In addition to the Montes, the Lisas and the Freakys, there are many of us who choose some level of anonymity for a variety of reasons, but who also choose to maintain a level of mutual respect. Even with a masked identity, we maintain a civil dialogue and treat others with respect. But there are those, and we know who they are, who hide behind the cloak their avatar provides and spew hatred and anger in all directions. Like an angry driver, they do this without any thought to how it affects others. Until Monday, I had not been on the receiving end of one of these attacks, but I always had a sense of what I would do when faced with it. 

Monday was one of the most difficult days I have faced in ten years. On Sunday night, I posted something about what I was facing the next day (the euthanizing of my beloved cat Max), and then went to bed because I was simply too upset to give a fuck about OS or the feed or comments or anything else.  

When I awoke, I realized that there had been a late night conversation raging on my post that was driven mostly by one person who chose to judge me most harshly. Fair enough, I put it out there and that is his right to be an asshole with an opinion. But, I was so upset by his words, that I immediately deleted the entire post along with an earlier Max post, closed my computer, and went on with the shitty day I was facing.  

His was only one voice, he knew absolutely nothing about me, and by his comments, he was completely uninterested in finding out more about me. He did something similar on another bloggers post the week before. (Yes, 'that' week here on OS.) This blogger chose to engage him and as things degraded, I sent her a private message and advised her to stop engaging and delete his comments. She did, and it seemed to take all the drama and steam out of the situation.  

Some on OS who noticed my brief post on Sunday night left comments that were kind and caring and gave me the benefit of the doubt for the tough decision I had made. Some sent me private messages of condolences. For all of this I am very grateful, but it didn’t take away the sting of one person’s callous comments. 

As I went through the agony the day held for me, it was this one person’s words that hung around me like a cloud, and each time I recalled them, it was like another kick in the gut. When I was doubled over sobbing on the floor, I didn’t recall all the kind, supportive words, all I could recall was the cruelty of one person. And for the record, I was much harder on me than that jerk could ever be.

So like the recipients of my driving rage, I was the recipient of this persons rage and the domino effect, well, I’ll never know how it affected Max in his last hours or my husband (who is still with me), but I do know that several days later, it is still affecting me. And I also know, that I never want to do that to someone else. 

So back to my original question:  

Does the fact that your identity can be hidden make it okay to be an asshole, not just on OS, but anywhere? 

I say NO!!!

I don’t want to be responsible for creating more hurt and anger in this world. I know that there will always be ugly people who say ugly things, but do we have to respond to them. Without the oxygen of a response, won’t these creeps cease to exist? I believe so.

Another site I visit frequently, http://www.chowhound.com/, is heavily moderated. It is a gentle oasis of discussion on all things foody. Flamers have come to visit, but they are quickly disciplined, and they quickly disappear. I haven’t seen anything unpleasant on that site for years thanks to quick acting moderators. 

I’m not saying that OS should be moderated. But I am saying that WE, the users, can self moderate. If we do not engage the pointless negativity and simply delete offensive comments, then these jerks will go looking for a new sandbox to play in.

Why should all the great writers here be driven out in disgust to find new sites when we have the power to self-regulate the atmosphere here?

Why should I let the negativity spewed by a few jerks live on by allowing it to remain on one of my posts?

Why should any of us?

This is my blog site, these are my posts, and I don’t want to reflect hurtful things on an already crappy world, so if these little creeps come by, I’m going to simply delete their unsavory comments (unless they are actually making some valid point).  

I’m pretty new to blogging, but I always felt that I was going to blog by the credo:  

MY SANDBOX, MY RULES! 

I hope that others here will also see that as tempting as it is to man up and take on these creeps, it is so much easier to just click delete. And in doing so, you cut off their supply of oxygen, and in the end they will get frustrated and find a new sandbox, and we all win. 

I don’t know about you, but after yesterday’s tributes, I want to be here when Karen Novak comes back, so I can get to know her by her writing.    

For a good, although long, discussion on Web 2.0, I recommend Tim O’Reilly’s article, “What is Web 2.0” http://www.oreillynet.com/pub/a/oreilly/tim/news/2005/09/30/what-is-web-20.html?page=1.

For those of you who were spammed last night, my apologies.

The troll in question knows nothing about me, my cat or my situation, but felt that a short essay gave him the right to diagnose my cat and judge me.

Apparently we now have a fake veterinarian on OS as well.

For obvious reasons, I won't be opening this post up for comments, but I do appreciate all the personal messages of support many of you have sent.