All the acronyms, or Urban Slang, or Tweetspeak, or whatever you want to call them are driving me crazy. I can't keep them straight and, whenever I come across one, I find myself in a place far away from wherever the person was trying to take me. 

Because, I'm sorry, but LGBT sounds like a sandwich at the local diner. I'm almost positive that FUBAR was a Sesame Street character. POTUS conjurs up a picture of a pimple that's ready to be popped. And any woman over 60 who didn't inititally think that LOL stood for little old lady just isn't being honest.

They cause me nothing but trouble. As far as I know, or AFAIK, (which, BTW, isn't this a new African country, because I was getting ready to send off a care package?), they're meant as an aid to communication.

But I must not be getting the memos. I thought OMW meant "Oh my word," and couldn't understand why I was suddenly getting so much unexpected company arriving at my door. 

When someone online called me PHAT, I cyber-slapped him, thinking he was just a bad speller. If only I had known it meant "pretty hot and tempting," it might have been the start of a wonderful relationship.

Which is why I spent this past weekend studying acronyms on the internet. A lot of them seem like a TWOT (total waste of time). That one's actually mine, although it's better than some of the ones I memorized.

PTH, for instance, means "prime tanning hours." I can't believe this is a phrase that's said so often that we need an acronym. Wouldn't INAJ (I need a job) or PSM (please send money) or TFAD (time for a drink) be a little more helpful? 

And then there's "pwn," which apparently means "own." This one completely stymies me. How does it make sense to use three letters to replace a three letter word? Unless...perhaps..."own" is an acronym for something else, like, maybe, "out with Nana." Then I guess it would make sense that we have to have a different acronym for the real "own" because.. well, it just wouldn't make sense otherwise.

It's beginning to scare me.

My grandson, who travels with his mom in the State Department is an eligible family member, or EFM, which sounds a little nasty. Although I guess that's just the sad fate of any "F" word these days. I can't help but pity poor Fred Ulrey. I bet that's one guy who doesn't monogram his cuffs or sign his memos with initials.

It made me check my own initials for possible profanity, but they seem fine. They're unused, and ready and willing to stand in for "own" as the need arises.

What really scares me, though, is the thought of getting on a boat, which is something I'm not about to do. I can just picture us hitting an iceberg, sinking, and the SOS going out and landing on somebody's desk who says, "Hey, no worry, just "'someone over shoulder'." 

For all I know, even HELP means something else now, like "home eating leftover potatoes." And if I yell it over the internet when I have heart palpitations, instead of an ambulance arriving at my door, people will be LOLing or ROTFLing. 

And I'll be UADC (up a damn creek--mine again).

It's probably a losing battle, but from now on, whenever I see one of those irritating acronyms, I'm going to say the same thing I say to my one year old grandson.

" UYW!"

Use your words!