It's been a little lonely in the bookstore these days. Not because of the lack of customers, but because my landlord instituted a "no dog" rule and my store dog is now relegated to doing his reading at home.
I used to joke that more customers knew his name than mine-- which wasn't really much of a joke since it was true. People brought him treats so often that I got jealous and whined a bit. This turned out to be a good thing because pretty soon people were bringing in home grown tomatoes, peppers, corn, and the occasional home baked cookies right along with the dog biscuits.
In the past month, however, I've had to watch the customers stop at the front door waiting for him to bound up and only reluctantly rounding the corner to ask me if he was sick. His absence has been noticed far more than the lack of any "Christian fiction" section.
"He could bring fleas into the building." the landlord said.
"But he's treated religiously and has never had fleas."
"People might be allergic."
"But he has hair, not fur. He's hypoallegenic."
"He could have accidents in the store."
And that's where he got me. Because the truth is that he has had an acccident in the store.
But the bigger truth is that my customers have had more accidents than the dog. That was a fact I didn't want to share with the landlord. I was worried he might ban customers.
And I'm not talking about slip and falls or books falling on heads. I'm talking about people peeing in the store. In the head to head competition of people versus dog, the people are winning three to one.
It's something I wasn't prepared for. Something that wasn't anywhere on my radar when opening. Something I hadn't considered in my business plan. Not that I really had a business plan. If I had, I might be selling something actually popular, like cupcakes, instead of books.
It's been a little surprising to have so many people pee in the store. In all my years (excluding swimming pools, of course, which apparently even Olympians do), I've peed in a public place only once--in first grade, sitting at my desk, too timid or too embarrassed to ask if I could go to the bathroom. And then, all of a sudden, too late. As well as too early to have had the critical thinking skills to realize that peeing on the floor might be a little more embarassing than asking permission.
I learned the pain of public humiliation that year right along with learning how to read. Both of which have served me well.
When I saw the three people peeing in the bookstore, I knew what to do and did what I wish my teacher had done. I watched it happen, ignored it the best I could, and let them leave without the embarrassment of knowing I saw. Partly out of kindness, but also because it's not as if I could have yelled "Bad dog!" and gotten them to stop.
My guess is that there were some health related reasons--colostomy bags overflowing or something. Still, three separate times seems unusual.
I can't help but think I may hold some sort of record for the number of people peeing in a store. My own gold medal so to speak. Although I can't be sure.
Maybe this is just one of those things that they don't warn you about in business school and that shop owners don't talk about. Because up until now, I haven't shared the story with anyone other than my immediate family. It just seemed unlikely to be a hook that would bring people in.
"Hey, let's go to the bookstore that holds the gold medal for....oh....yeah. Well, maybe not. Let's order it from Amazon."
I really don't need any more of that.
I even debated whether to post it here. But this is a circumspect group. And "Peeing In a Bookstore" is hardly a title likely to find its way onto Big Salon, or to go viral, so I feel pretty safe.
I'd just like a little recognition for my medal.
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Tom Cordle
Antoinette Errante
kitd
Ardee
Daniel Rigney
caroline marie
Salon.com
Comments
My sister shocked me one day when she told me how often BOTH functions occur in the dressing rooms of the department store she works in. She is of the opinion that it is done on purpose -- who knows why. Dealing with the public is not for sissies.
Lezlie
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r.
totally off the subject - do you host open mics? ours is music and word, and it is the busiest night of the week in our store.
just a thought.
Algis--I wouldn't let in the store dressed like that!
Kim--If anyone ever tells you that they spilled a little Mountain Dew, don't believe them.
Gerald--I know how to pull the little boys in. "Poop" would have gotten you here even faster.
Jonathan--Yay! A cross-post.
Songbird--Wow. You've got a story to write too. And you're right about the pet products. They all work just fine.
David--Actually I do have a bathroom. Which makes it even stranger.
Urine smells after a few days. Never pee in pool.
Olympic Swimmers No Pee gold. No swim on toilet.
I hope Michael Phelps No Pee Off High Diving Board.
Some editors and children fear indoor Flushing Spring.
mettle.
ha: "I learned the pain of public humiliation
that year right along
with learning how to read.
Both of which have served me well. "
is there a conjunction therein?
maybe.
i used to pee in borders when they existed . i put my
merchandise outside the mens rm door
and let loose then let myself loose on
the books.
bygone days, peeing in bookstores, for me.
now, where is yrs? wh
Matt--Letterman!? I get to go on Letterman!? And I don't even have to teach my dog a stupid dog trick?
And I do have a public lavatory.
Stim--Hmmm......
Con--I don't have enough customers to start banning them.
James--Oh, I think I like mettle even better.
l'Heure--Cleaning it up is kind of a test of your gag reflex.
Jeff--Glad you came by. You and Gerald, both pulled in by the pee word.
Deborah--And I say, start writing it, Deborah. Then Matt can get us both on Letterman.
sweetfeet--It would be embarrassing, but I'm still not convinced they knew they did it.
One hardly knows what to say...? Maybe I'll econsider my own thoughts about opening a bookstore sometime. Wow.
I am oddly fascinated trying to get a picture of these incidents. A man I could imagine peeing into a corner... Heaven forbid on any books! Women just stood there and left you a puddle? Did no one even ask for a bathroom? Okay, I'm skeeving myself out now, sorry. Just, why a bookstore??
A comedian (Arte somebody, used to be on Howard Stern's radio show) decided to pee on the floor in the radio station and then demand two interns clean it up. They refused. The janitor had to do it. The radio station sanctioned him 3 days off the air for this "joke" that wasn't funny to anyone but Arte.
Rob--Good one!
Shelia--I'm finding out it's apparently not all that unusual.
Mark--I think this one has a short shelf life. Hopefully, the other one will expire soon.
Songbird--Perfect! I'm going to remember that one.
Sally--My sympathies for your 1st grade experience. And, no, no requests for a bathroom. One guy pretty clearly was having some health issues. The others just seemed oblivious.
phyllis--I love that bit of history. Who knew.
lunchlady--I don't think it was spite. Two of them have been back and they all bought books.
Kate--Damn. I'm getting depressed. I may not hold a record after all.
Your landlord is probably paranoid about lawsuits. You might want to tell him he should start being paranoid about renting his building. If the dog brings in customers, he is wrecking your business.
Manhattan--Probably better to just move on and be a little more leery of puddles.
Daman--Everybody always finds a reason to avoid Proust....
jmac--I second that nomination.
John--At least the gymnastics lady was probably dealing with kids. And, yeah, I'm sure you're right about the fear of lawsuits (along with his dickishness).
Andy--They really seemed unaware, which is why I blame health issues.
lschmopie--My thoughts exactly as I was cleaning up.
Gary--"Kilroy was here" just doesn't do it, I guess.
Also odd is the fact that you can't have a pet in your store. So many bookstores seem to have pets, who often serve as mascots. Cats seem especially popular. I feel like a loving animal and books go so perfectly together - two simple pleasures of life. I'm sorry you can't share your dog's company with your clients. Maybe you could get them to sign a petition and show it to your landlord?
I had to ask.
And look on the bright side - at least they're not pooping. If they were doing that, they'd probably be ripping pages out of the books to wipe themselves with.
HHmmm
The things we talk about LOL
Had relative once that said if she had a dog that peed on the carpet she would get rid of the dog; I was shocked and thought we should get rid of her.
I save my pee for the hardware store.
.
Alysa--You've given me an great idea for a name change--Bizarro Books.
Dianne--Well...the store is in the Midwest. Not exactly the most worldly place.
Mary--You're very welcome.
Margaret--OH! The visuals you've given me....
Zachery--Some people don't deserve dogs.
Spumey--Because of the buckets?
Cranky--"I've gone urinal!" I like the sound of it.
In the Netherlands we call these people "wild pissers". Mostly they target the outside walls of medieval churches (like in 'sHertogenbosch), mostly after a pub crawl. The chuches of 'sHertogenbosch are now equipped with plastic siding at pee level. I can't believe these people just pee in your store. Is there no back alley or convenient bush? The mind boggles. My scheeve-o-meter is on tilt.
I salute your gold medal in micturition tolerance.
R