On the occasion of their fecocteh* convention...and while these gems aren't original to me, I wish they were.
And while they are mean-spirited, I say them in only the nicest way.
* fecocteh, Yiddish (and means precisely what it sounds as if it means)
-- think in a Yiddish or Brooklyn accent/cadence as you read, if at all possible --
May your insurance company decide that constipation is a pre-existing condition!
May the state of Arizona expand its definition of "suspected illegal immigrants" to "anyone living in a retirement community who doesn't own a hunting rifle."
May you live to a ripe old age, and may the only people who come visit you be Mormon missionaries!
May you sell everything and retire to Florida just before global warming makes it uninhabitable!
May you have a rare disease and need an operation that only one surgeon in the whole world, the winner of the Nobel Prize for Medicine, is able to perform. And may she be unable to perform your operation because she doesn’t take your insurance. And may that Nobel Laureate be your daughter!
May the secretary your husband is schtupping depend on Planned Parenthood for her birth control!
May you find yourself insisting to a roomful of fellow Republican skeptics that your great-great grandmother was "legitimately" raped by Cossacks.
May you make a fortune and lose it all in one of that son-of-a- bitch Sheldon Adelson’s casinos!
May you grow so rich that your widow’s second husband is thrilled they repealed the estate tax.
May you have a hundred houses, and in every house a hundred rooms, and in every room twenty beds, and then may you fall behind on just one of your mortgage payments and have the bank repossess everything!
May you feast every day on chopped liver with onions, chicken soup with dumplings, baked carp with horseradish, braised meat with vegetable stew, and golden potato latkes, and may they all have E-Coli just as the entire government including the Centers for Disease Control shuts down!
May G-d give you a daughter-in-law who is as kind as she is beautiful, as patient as she is rich, as wise as she is devoted, a virtuous woman in every way. And then may a ballot initiative invalidate her marriage to your daughter.
May your son the doctor introduce you to his fiancée, Bristol Palin.
May you have a large store, and have it dismantled by vulture capitalists.
May your grandchildren baptize you as a Mormon after you’re dead!
May your state outlaw the morning-after pill on the very day your daughter comes home from the Republican Teens National Convention!
May you live to a hundred and twenty without Social Security or Medicare!
May you find yourself lost and stranded in a village of terrorists and may you be treated only with dignity, kindness and respect.
May you be reunited in the World to Come with your ancestors,
who were all good, radical socialist garment worker union men and women...
...and may they haunt you through eternity!
...a formerly wealthy Republican Jewish man, on the streets and dressed in a shabby but once very fine suit, walks up to an elderly Jewish woman, his hand out.
He sighs, plaintively, "Madam, I haven't eaten in three days!"
She replies, "Force yourself!"
....just flew in from the Catskills and boy are my arms tired...!
Thank, and May G-d bless you:
Lenny Bruce, Henny Youngman, Rodney Dangerfield,
Totie Fields, Jack Benny, Jackie Mason, Fanny Bryce,
Myron Cohen, Phil Silvers, Milton Berle, Anne Meara,
Buddy Hackett, Mort Sahl, Christopher Guest, Don Rickles,
Elayne Boosler, Mel Brooks, Sid Caesar, Woody Allen,
Jon Stewart, Gilda Radner, Rita Rudner, Joan Rivers,
George Burns, Gracie Allen, Moe/Larry/Curley/Shemp,
Shelly Berman, Morey Amsterdam, Shecky Green,
David Brenner, Lewis Black, Susie Essman, Judy Gold,
Gilbert Gottfried, Sue Kollinsky, Paul Krassner,
Richard Lewis, Bill Maher, Larry Miller,
and my darling, my very dearest
et. al. !