Like you, I am excellent at knowing thoroughly people I've just met, barely met, haven't met, will never meet or want to meet...
...as when I'm swimming at 6:30 a.m., when I'm delightedly alone with the DooWop in my head, requiring of others only blessed
s i l e n c e.
I am jealous for my silence, for my silent swim.
Anyone pushing on me chatty-annoying conversation let alone a newly-hired pool matron with a fast-bobbing Adam's-Apple throat who sees herself as My Eternal Life Guard is exquisitely and immediately liable-for-the-death penalty.
HI!
LEMME TELL YOU HOW JESUS CAN MAKE YOUR DISABILITY--YES I SEE, I SEE! YOU WHEEL YOURSELF DOWN HERE IN YOUR WHEELCHAIR!--MY LORD WILL MAKE YOUR DISABILITY DISAPPEAR
SNAP! 1 2 3
DISAPPEAR IN SNAP!, 1, 2, 3
I WATCH THE MAN ON CHANNEL 20 EVERY BLESSED DAY DO YOU? WHY, THAT MAN IS DEFINITELY BLESSED OF THE LORD, THAT MAN IS BLESSED!
I suppress a tidal urge to Walk Upon the Chlorine, step out of the pool, cover her Chatty-Cathy Missionary Mouth and Snap her garrulous, gangly neck as I whisper
How's that for a Miracle, sister?
The story goes that when Jesus Met the Woman at the Well, he told her (Gospel of Peter, Paul, & Mary, In Concert, 1964) "everything she'd ever done"! in the time it took her to draw him a cup of water.
Well, Well, Well.
This morning, in the time it took this GoodyGoody Samaritan to pour herself a cuppa Joe, chomp down two sugar jelly donuts and smile beatifically, My Eternal Life Guard, I assure you, came as close to meeting her Sweet Jesus as she may ever Kingdom-Come.
My problem is that I am, after my father, a Gentleman, and I keep far too much welled-up when it should Flow Like a Mighty Stream (the Gospel of Martin, 1963).
At the onset of the required Neck-Snapping Ritual
I wanted to Shout It From the Mountain Tops:
Sister, I know more about your backwater first-Century itinerant rabbi than you'll ever know.
I wanted to Sing It:
Sister, how many delicious coma-inducing donuts have you denied yourself and your family with offerings to the holy lifestyles of Televangelists?
I wanted to Speak It, Slowly, in her Ear:
Sister, Get Ready, Your Train's a Comin'!
... on and on....
Of course, as I am My Father's Son, I did not.
I contented myself with:
Ma'am, I am not interested in religious discussion. I'm here to swim.
And then, Sweet DooWop-In-My-Head Silence.
Free At Last.
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Poor Woman
Chicken Mãâàn
Dianne Schuch - Lindsey
nerd cred
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Deborah Méndez Wilson
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Comments
This seriously restricts movement of mind.
But wait.
I say, with all the other gentlemen left in the world,
let us perhaps develop our own lingo?
e.g.
"my dear lady, the Christ? He guides my swimstrokes. He gives me, with the Gift of his holy spirit, my incentive and momentum
for my breast stroke. I am well acquainted with the NAZARENE.
What never fails to surprise me, my dear ,
is his respect for women, such as his mother,
and, ah, the Mary's!"
i will give you the obscene version of this later, but u get my drift.
...and who of your parents inherited the grand sense of humour to you?
Rated
The more surprising these people are, the less prepared most of us can be to defend ourselves, literally, from their wasted time. If we respond with anything linking us to their ideal (not only religious conversion, more than likely involving the joining of a particular church or churches), they may get a little too friendly or insistent. But if we signal them we're among their idea of the unconverted, they may well continue to try for the sanctity of what they believe is better.
In my experience, none of them will have really studied the times of the man, nor any real historical context, anyway, let alone every gospel extant.
You took such a clean path, cutting the bull and heading for the water, that I'm even more proud to know you, Jon.
Rated
Oh, this made me laugh.
There's nothing worse than a pushy evangelizer right where you don't want them : )
(anywhere!)
I just don't understand this subset of "faith."
An aside: some elderly woman talked my son into giving her a ride last summer (small town, Son hadn't had the "don't pick up old ladies" chat yet) saying she needed to get to her friend's house and felt to weak to walk (drive away quickly, Son!).
Son let her in! and begins driving around neighborhoods with her....and begins to realize her 'friend' was Jesus and she was completely batty, looking for Jesus on every street!
Then the evangelizing then began....
Son comes home eventually and walks in the door saying, "Well, today's the first time I've had to push an old lady out of my car..."
It's scary out there : )
"If God was the actual editor of the Bible, I might be more inclined to read it. He's not, so I don't."
Me? I slammed my front door and refused to answer the doorbell when they, knowing for sure I was in here, rang and banged for at least three minutes.
Lezlie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bh4nNdNJ_U8
How's your lady wife and how's Miss Meowryam?
:)
Brooklyn a-american tinting my speech. Fellow in the house.
Loud loud voice. But musical.
~
The obscene version:
:Uh , “ you say, “Hold it, dearest. We are speaking of the Christ?”
“gosh yessir”
Silence. Hand on chin. Pondering, you!
“The Christ and I have, I am delighted to say, a relationship, as I ah have ‘accepted ‘ him”
“Oh “
“Oh yeah.”
“Well. Uh, do you receive anything from him?”
“Yes! Especially when I am swimming…” sigh.
“Like what?”
“He tells me, I gotta say mysteriously, for you to jump here in the water. With me.”
“Umm. Well. If the Christ says so! Sure!” she shucks her clothes. Dives in, all divine.
God help ya, you old Hebrew.
"Well Bless your heart!"
She'd get the message.
I still like the way you handled it.
I would rather have water in my ears.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.