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Jonathan Wolfman's Blog
NOVEMBER 9, 2012 4:15AM

My InSincere, UnGenerous Offer to Red States

Rate: 14 Flag

 

-- my take on a meme I've seen around --

-

     Dear Reds:

     I wholly understand your embarrassed rage: I keep you afloat; you take in federal tax redistributions far, far more than you ever give to the federal government. And yet you whine whine whine (spodee-odee) all the time.

      So:

I'm considering seriously your forced re-secession, that is to say, after I import people now living in you who believe they'd be

                                         Better Off Blue:


- You get all the old slave states (save Virginia, Maryland, North Carolina, Florida) and the so-called "right-to-work", union-despising states.

- We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

- We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

- We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Stone Mountain and all the state flags with the tiny Confederate flags in them.

- We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom and Enron's Corpse.

- We get Ivies, Stanford, Michigan, Harvey Mudd, Cal Tech, The Ohio State University, every fine small college north, northwest, and northeast of Kentucky. You get every post-secondary high school masquerading as a univerity.

.We retain every United States military installation/base even if they are in Red States. Those military installations/bases are now Blue Zones.

- We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

- Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get Single-Mingles.

. We Also Get

     .80% of the country's fresh water

     .90% of the pineapple and lettuce

     .92% of the nation's fresh fruit

     .95% of America's fine wines

     .90% of its fine cheese

     .90 percent of the high tech industry

      .all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and the Pennsylvania Groundhog, Puxatawney Phil

     .Universal Health Care

     .Yosemite, etc.


     You Also Get:

     .88% of morbidly obese Americans and their projected health care costs

     .92% of American mosquitoes

     .nearly 100% of American tornadoes

     .90% of American hurricanes

     .100% of televangelists



Rationale: 

.38% of you believe Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

.44% of you are sure evolution's "just a theory".

. and more of you than that are certain climate change is, the Court's rulings on public-school forced bible reading, TITLE IX and women's abortion rights, along with the increasing acceptance of marriage equality... are responsible for Sandy's wreckage and the fact that, for you, Fine Dining is The Olive Garden.

                     
     And: 

          Colorado and Washington State are ours:  they have the good, legal, marijuana now.

     So So Very Insincerely....

     Jonathan

 

    ----

 

This is, of course satire, and in very bad taste. I know, as you do, that there are good people in all states and regions. I also cannot verify all of the stats, above. I'm feeling sincere vibes, though, that tell me they are sorta close to right.

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...until later...

R

For each of the points you have made one button of rating,and at the end a huge smile.Unfortunately I was unable to insert the smiley here.

:):):):)Jon,for each point you make, one rate,and at the end of my rating a big smile.

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQDlF_6teUEPYHO9zOh2DGGA8GYNmiH7bHylgSwlJDJqnQf1t52T4_zPA
Roger Thanks to you, cous!
Jon,for each point you make one rate,and at the end of my rating a big smile.
Unfortunately,I was unable to insert the smiley here.

Without question,the blue regions are the winners.

I have read some comments on FB yesterday which came from California.I could not believe what I was reading.If you allow me to,I will send you a copy,or you look on my profile under...p.m.
Sir!
We here at the New University of Traditional Studies (NUTS) take umbrage to your words.
But we forgive you, for you have fallen under the Darwinist/Jewish/Liberal/ Entitlement Society’s spell, as is obvious from your Unchristian words.

God may not be as nice as us.
Anyway, people like u who think we are evolved from fishes and birds are obviously mentally ill. We have learned that not a lot can be done to shut you up, yet, so we apply JESUS’S advice and forgive you because you know not what you do.

The recent election shows that the Founders’ vision of a City on the Hill is full of damn cityfolk like you, unfortunately, with your radical ideas of stem cell research, from the holy living cells of the Umbilicus, which is almost too holy to be cut, but you gotta do it or you really got a mess. And your ideas of gay couples smoking marijuana with their children, much like the Europeans make drunkards of their children at an early age.

I will say to you, my dear wife Edna and I shared our joy at our 30th wedding anniversary with our children and beautiful grandchildren at the Olive Garden. You can see the pictures of this joyous occasion on the NUTS facebook page, under “faculty families”. Remember, the camera tends to add 10-20 lbs to the human physiognomy. The kiddos are husky, not ‘’morbidly obese’’.

In conclusion, Mr. Wolfman, we have your name on our list of people to pray for. Expect a lot of prayers for your soul coming your way,and I sincerely hope they will save you from Eternity in the Fiery Pit.

Yours, Harold H. Guffman III, president of NUTS
This was damned funny, sort of like an answer to my old Texas secession comment then post. I liked this a whole lot.
Deal!!!

This could probably be best worked out by giving you the Blue COUNTIES- We'll take the Red( The inhabitants will insist, and not only are they bitterly clinging to their guns, god, and sense of honor, so are their active military children)

We get everyone who wants to be a Red Stater, all the oil and natural gas and the people who know how to convert it to energy, all the farmland and the people who know how to raise food, all the dead factories and the people who know how to work them. As for the military, you guys can have the bases, and we'll take all the military personnel and as much of the hardware as they can walk off with. ( That's kind of how it worked in the first go round. )

As part of the deal, you guys have to take Washington DC, New York City, Chicago, Los Angeles and San Francisco and every lawyer, politician union boss, and "welfare" family. ( This is a humanitarian act for you guys, since we would just hang them all wholesale as part of our constitutional convention) We'll even throw in the Windmills and Solar energy farms.

Let us know when you get tired of trying to trade worthless fiat money and stocks to the Chinese for food. ( oh, that's right, we feed the Chinese too) You will also find that the Federal Government's enforcement powers have shrunk to the number of alphabet soup agency (IRS,FBI,SS, BATFE, DHS, ) personnel who have neither deserted to the red states, nor been killed in encounters with the trained military personnel ( mostly OUR kids) who never did like taking orders from an untrustworthy murderer in the first place.

Be careful what you wish for Jonathan.
Kosh I have to say that it offended a very dear friend, a brilliant guy, an atty w whom I grew up from elem to hi sch and who has lived in ATL for 35 years; this is why I added explicitly that this is satire. I loe the guy and feel bad I insulted him.
Rudolphus but i love Chines food!! ;)
A peaceful separation. Maybe the continent will divide with the next earthquake.
Lessee... to quote:
.80% of the country's fresh water
.90% of the pineapple and lettuce
.92% of the nation's fresh fruit
.95% of America's fine wines


So, less than one percent of all of those things? Pretty bad choice for secession. Or would you say New York could survive just fine with point-nine-five percent of fine wines? Well, the One Percent would. The South would learn to survive with the ninety-nine-point-zero-five percent of those wines.
Even "satire in bad taste" can be funny! ~r
Fair enough JW. Just so long as those Armageddon types don't get the nukes.
neut wanna be Blue Secretary of Fine Wine? ;)
You've left nothing for those guys-GOOD!!!
Joanie Thanks!!

Abra we won't let 'em!
Please don't do this to me! I have to live here for the foreseeable future! :-)
Bud wait...they still get Alabama... ... ...
Jeanette I feel your pain! :)
Jonathan –there are many that live in blue states that would move if such as a schism became a reality. New England would be invaded and you will all be speaking Chinese –so you better enjoy the food.
Abortion will be mandated now that we can detect females in Utero . And you will have to import your LGBT’s from the Red States as those numbers will definitely be eviscerated. We might breed them but you know use horrible people will not keep them
http://www.edgenewyork.com/index.php?ch=health_fitness&sc=health&sc2=news&sc3=&id=120825
Unless your Messiah can lower the ocean levels as he promised, you might be looking for a spot in one of our half-way houses where we have you read the works of Thomas Sowell and Walter Williams to horrible black traitors to their race.
The Big Divide In This Country Is Not Between Republicans & Democrats, or Women & Men, But Between Talkers & Doers"- Thomas Sowell
Blog on.
Jay,

Jesus is my favorite rabbi (I'm not joking); he's not my Messiah, nor is the President; he's my favorite president (in my lifetime).

As to Chinese, I have told you:

Mei-guo fang hong! Yi-Ding!

and I love Sichuan beef and Spicy Chicken hot pot!
Of course by now you have hired Wackenhut to provide security for you and your family and are considering hiding out in Switzerland for a spell, as I already can hear the bedsheets rustling and the rattle of Confederate swords as the Right Riders prepare to mount up and head north once again.
Matt my bed was, hmmm, mysteriously short-sheeted this morning.
Satire? Bad taste? I think not. It is the truth dude.
Interesting statistics... R&R ;-)
We get the Duvel and keep the Budweiser commercials.


-r-
Not necessarily a grand gesture of reconciliation, Jonathan. In fairness to you, however, it does take two to tango when it comes to reconciliation, and I can testify that they still do very much hate us. If Barak Hussein Obama gets through his second term without being shot, I shall be much relieved.

I continue to stare at this map myself.
Brassawe my tht has been that, thus far, the Sec Srv has to have been the best it has been in its history these past 4 yrs
No doubt about it. Those men and women have performed a miracle so far keeping that guy alive.
Are you sending in someone for me? Hermann? And the lumpy old gray cat?
Amy Indiana isn't excomm'd. Yet. ;)
Rudolphus:

Just the other day, some Tea Party guy on the radio was saying that NATO was a godless military pact between major socialist nations, dedicated to forcing a socialist New World Order on freedom and liberty-loving nations throughout the world, with the help of the U.N.

Now, I took world history and I could've sworn that NATO was some other organization, and that he had it confused with the Warsaw Pact, but who am I to argue with a member of the Tea Party?

That said, if it really did come down to a civil war, hypothetically, don't you think that the legitimate, standing government of the United States would be able to raise a large army of government supporters faster than you can blink an eye? How many able bodied men and women do you think would be willing to fight and die to preserve their rights against armed, right-wing aggression, if it ever, God-forbid, came to that? Don't you think that there would at least be SOME military loyal to the U.S. government that would remain in such an eventuality? There are lots of whites, Mexicans and blacks in the US military, and not all of them are Republicans.

Furthermore, as I mentioned above, there are international military organizations, like NATO, that would, if it ever came to it, come in and give military training to all the tree-loving, granola eating hippies. Now, I'm sure NATO doesn't pose much of a threat to the deep South, because NATO is comprised of silly socialist countries like France, Germany, Britain, Canada and the like.

But if push comes to shove, I am sure they would be able to help loyal blue-staters raise an army to fight against people who would unlawfully and treasonously take up arms against their rightful government.

I hope to God such a thing never happens again, though.

750,000 people died between 1861 and 1865. I don't wish to see this happen again.

What disturbs me, is that people are talking about this more and more. As you will recall, the Confederacy also had a much higher percentage of trained, ready military troops at its disposal, as well as trained officers, at the commencement of the US Civil War. It enabled the CSA to win all of the early battles. But this edge was quickly lost and the northern states, with their superior money and manpower, eventually annihilated the South, and their economy and social structure took 100 years to recover from the devastation.

If the South truly wants armed insurrection again, they should read their history books. Insurrection didn't serve them too well the last time they resorted to it, despite their initial military advantage...
RW no one ever seriously argued that US Secessionists, then or now, are bright.
RW005g

http://open.salon.com/blog/token/2012/11/10/my_insincere_ungenerous_offer_to_blue_counties